- 6 months ago
Thank you so much for the incredible support. I’ve re-read every post at least a few times and while I’m sitting here in tears you all really have helped to lift my spirits.
I bought myself the book that sweetdee89 : recommended – someone had suggested it on the weekend so it must be good if I’m hearing this title again!
I deleted his number from my phone, and I unfollowed him on all social media accounts. I also see he unfollowed me last night after watching one of my Instagram stories and that kind of put me over the edge. I was a wreck the rest of the night. Stupid I know…
I was definitely sick of the endless breakup threats and the constant fear that each argument would lead to that. He “should” have broken things off with me the day before I lost my job but he calmed down again. Otherwise that would have been the week from absolute hell so I guess it was a blessing it was delayed a little bit.
I don’t have a lot of friends here (something he threw in my face before). My closest friend who’s away for a few weeks has been wonderful, we talked on the phone once and she checks in every couple of days. The rest of my aquantainces here haven’t really checked in much. I’ve talked with my parents and sister on the phone for several hours. But I still feel incredibly alone here.
I go to meetups semi-regularly so this past weekend I found two that I forced myself to go to, and was really happy I went to them. I go to spin class once a week and pole dancing classes twice a week. Otherwise I have nothing else that gets me out of my apartment (it can be a few weeks between meetups if there aren’t any avail). Staying in here all day job searching for the past 4 months has taken its toll on me but at least I always looked forward to seeing him even though things weren’t good. It still meant I wasn’t alone for days on end here. I know it sounds pathetic.
After my last breakup I actually did a solo trip to Cuba for a week. Hardest thing ever but I adjusted well. Ended up doing a second solo trip the year after (I was still single) and had the best time ever. It makes me really sad though to think I’ll have to do it again (we had gone on two trips with my new ex…this sounds so weird to say…). I had to go on EI because of my job loss once my severance package ran out so I’m not allowed to leave the country (or I won’t get paid for that week and I can’t afford that). Maybe by the time Summer rolls around I’ll have found a job and I can still go…this kills me.
There are certain words that keep replaying in my head and I feel like I’m going crazy. I told him I didn’t understand why we went ring shopping twice/apartments/big talk/etc at least 5 times during that call. All he said was “I should have put my foot down a lot earlier about what I wanted. By the time I figured out what I wanted it was too little too late.”
I know I tried my best and I did everything to try and make it work. He gave up. I’m not trying to have a “pity party” but I honestly do wonder if I will be alone forever. The 10 year one was beyond devastating and this one is kind of like the icing on the cake. I was so picky. I didn’t even consider dating for a year. And once I did I went on 15 dates with 15 different guys until I decided he was the one I wanted to continue seeing. I was not in any rush and I still got burned.
I have a beautiful parrot who is my everything. He was with me during my first breakup and now will help me get through another. I don’t know what I’d do without him, I already feel like I’m rotting in here.
I just wish something good would happen soon…my heart hurts so badly.