- 8 years ago
- Wedding: May 2016
The good news – his little brother’s engagement went well two nights ago, and they are both happy. I am happy for them, honestly. The bad news is that I know this will make his family probably exert all the wrong pressure on him to marry me, which of course, always has the opposite effect. I’m not looking forward to the holidays right now… I know his family is baffled as to why we’re not married (mine is out of the picture, except to cause trouble) and they don’t understand that their attempts to “help” haven’t. I’ve got his grandmother offering ME rings, but not him – sweet, but no good for me right now. Also, now everyone else in his family now has an “offical” right to be there, except me. I know it’s kinda dumb to feel that way, and no one’s ever said aynthing about it to me except his sisterm once when talking about whether I should be in family photos in case we split and he maries someone else (how it’d be disturbing to his “wife” should that happen – true), but I do anyway. I’ve had to get his mom and brother to not call me a fiancee as I’m not… and I can’t explain how much that hurts right now. It makes me feel defective – which on top of being disowned by my family for years, really does not a happy Isilme make.
I know he’s behind where he wants to be career and life-wise before marriage, but I’ve been ready for several years now. He goffed off in college while I plawed straight through, so I statrted working first, and have a sort of established career AND my degre, while his ego demands he at least ahve a career in place before marriage. I’m trying to just give up on wanting it, as I don’t want to leave him over this – it’d be just as devestating a a divorce, even though we’re not even common law in my state – and I’m not taking property – I don’t want to leave, I just wish I could not care. We’ve had to deal with a lot of baggage from my insane, stalking father and his parents, as well as typical probelms with hard-to-find work, stuent loans, car paymetns and trying to set up savings. He told me a few weeks ago that he saw it happening in about 2 years, which a few years back would have made me jump for joy. Now I’m just feeling dull.
It’s true, we should be better off in a few years, and he might even be honeslty thinking about it… he’s told me more than ever of what his dream honeymoon/wedding location would be, described it to me, and it’s more than I’ve ever let myself imagine, and also tells me he HAS thought of it, which again, should make me feel better, but I just can’t lately. I don’t know if it’s the season (used to love fall, but the longer nights seem to get to me now), the rash of 6 people getting engaged and/or married recently, or just the holiday reminder that I’m kinda an outcast from my family, which makes me feel pretty worthless on TOP of the lack of being “choosen”. I don’t want my moodiness to make me not the woman he wants, but I feel SO bad right now. It’s been hard the last month to make it full day without crying at least once – last weekend was fine until I got bad news about my grandmother.
Also, though we weren’t close and she was abusive, my grandmother died yesterday, and though I can honestly say I don’t miss her personally – hardly knew her, and have been wrakcing my brains for something good we experienced together, ever, I feel very sad and old today. I hate that she was such a toxic person that she damaged her son to where he was/is a rotten, abusive, conniving, creepy father. He disowned me in writing in triplicate 13 years ago, but still stalks my house and work.
I’m 33, the last of my friends who has been in a longer-than-a-month relationship, the longest relationship of all of us for that matter, to be unwed and un-engaged. I know we started dating very very young, and my father’s disturbing actions after we’d been together for a year made things very very rough for both of us, and then the re-emergence of my bi-polar mother into our lives added more fun that one can hope, all did not make having me as a wife particulalry enticing – yet he stayed with me, father’s threats and embarassing letters to HIS parents and all, for 14 years (we’re the same age). He’s telling me he wants to get married in about 2 more years. I guess I just want it now, and not to feel like the last have a relationship that is respected, recognized and honored. I don’t want my stupid name tying me to my father any more. It’s easily recognized in my town, and I see so many things that would be easier for us if we were just married… My father and mother are both legally my next of kin, still, and I hate that to fix that I have to go to a lawyer when it’d not be a problem if we were married. Everything seems so much harder when you live married, but aren’t, like I have a million hops to jump through just to get anything done that could be solved if I could just say, I’m Mrs. So-and-so,” and there’d be no questions. Sigh.
I’m tired of the questions, which will again pop up now that his YOUNGER brother is engaged. I’m sad I can’t really feel 100% good and not envious of my soon-to-be-married friends. I want to go look at dresses with said friends, just so I can do it without feeling super out of place. I just feel like a bad person all over. Sorry. Trying to work and today is yucky – maybe grandma dying is affecting me more than I thought.