Friend advice

posted 5 months ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
512 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2018

This sounds like a pretty standard young person who’s become infatuated with a new guy. It usually works this way:

She’s nuts about him for a while, he doesn’t want a relationship so they become friends-with-benefits, she pushes for a relationship more, he shuts that down, she cries to you and tries again with him, they fuck, he shuts her down again, she cries some more. Eventually, she turns to her real friends to help her work through it all and eventually (we hope) meets a legit man who actually wants a relationship with her. But only after she does this again with a few more guys not interested in a relationship. 

Don’t worry! She’ll be back 🙂 Scarred and bruised but potentially wiser. Also, have you spoken to her about missing her friendship? You can’t really do anything about this guy; if he doesn’t want to meet you, you can’t force him. Be her friend (or don’t if you feel like she’s doing something terrible to you), and let her make her own mistakes. 

Post # 3
Member
400 posts
Helper bee

Don’t know why this made me laugh, probably because it’s so true. “She cries some more” lol… Any one here not been on that merry go round?  obviousanonymous :  

Post # 4
Hostess
8830 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: Dorset, UK

throwawayadvice112 :  It sounds like the start of every other new relationship. Chill. 

Post # 5
Member
542 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2018

I think it’s best to let it be. Your friend is looking for a relationship, yes this might not turn into one but that’s a lesson for her to learn on her own, she isn’t going to take advice. Just keep her in the loop about the activities your friend group is doing and if she comes, great, if not then you’ll catch up another time. You don’t need to see your friend every week to still be friends. Most adults only see their friends once every few months and the friendships are just fine. 

Post # 6
Member
32 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: September 2019 - Brooklyn, NY

This sort of behavior doesn’t sound too surprising, and like someone else said, if it turns out the guy doesn’t want an actual relationship eventually your friend will be back.

From what you described, it isn’t exactly clear if the get-togethers you have are impromptu or planned. If the meetings are impromptu, perhaps you can instead try to schedule things in advance to get your friend to commit? Maybe plan a group dinner or brunch, noting “We miss you Friend X! We’ll work around your schedule to make sure you can attend.”

Post # 7
Hostess
3892 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 2016

obviousanonymous :  Sounds exactly right.  My friends have been through similar and these never turn into long term relationships.  

Post # 8
Member
801 posts
Busy bee

throwawayadvice112 :  

Whilst it sucks when your friend meets someone they are interested in and then is suddenly unavailable to see you most of the time, part of being an adult, I think, is recognising that people’s priorities change as they mature and progress through life.

You have to give her the space to explore this relationship on her own. It’s not necessarily unhealthy that she doesn’t want to spend as much time with you any more and prefers to spend her time with him and his friends. And you can’t push the issue of him meeting you – it’s entirely for the two of them to sort out.

Much as you and your other friends might be “concerned,” you can’t interfere in her relationship at all unless there is something harmful like abuse going on. I would caution you even against offering advice unless she asks for it. Adults have to make their own choices and succeed or fail based on them.

It’s fine to tell her you miss her, but don’t hassle her. Leave the door open for her to come back to your friendship at a later stage, and busy yourself with your other friends in the meantime.

Like a PP said, it’s not uncommon for adult friends to see each other once every couple of months (a few times a week is too much for most to handle), and you might just have to accept a friendship which is not as close as the one you used to have.

Post # 9
Member
750 posts
Busy bee

Not your business. Listen and be supportive when this implodes and she hopefully decides she deserves better. 

Post # 10
Member
2910 posts
Sugar bee

I am interested why you chose to use very vague pronouns for your friend throughout your post…not that it matters, just an observation.

 

Post # 12
Member
901 posts
Busy bee

throwawayadvice112 :  Your friend is entitled to a break from the group. And if my friends were in my business like you are, I wouldn’t introduce my new friend right away either. What if my new “friendship” didn’t work out? I’d have to listen to all of you complain about how I ignored you, and it didn’t work out anyway. No thanks. Your friend probably wants a little privacy—let her have it. 

Post # 13
Member
1216 posts
Bumble bee

This is all totally normal. Friends meet new people and want to explore a new friend group. We all want to do different things, get exposed to new ideas and learn more about ourselves in the process. It’s part of life. 

He/ she may be attracted to this person and just wants to see how it goes. If it doesn’t work out then they will know that you guys are still friends and will be there for them. They may not see you as often, for now, but that’s OK. Just keep in touch.

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