(Closed) friend behaving badly at reception – how to deal?

posted 11 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 1
Member
4 posts
Wannabee

 Hi Bees – got married in apr and love the site!

I have a question about a friend of mine, "Sarah".  Sarah and I have been friends for several years and have several mutual friends.  She is kind, generous and we see each other often. She doesn’t, however, have any idea how she can come across to people.  She is always talking about how pretty she is, how smart and good at her job, and recently how in love she is with her new boyfriend. She often repeats the same anecdotes about herself over and over (not realizing people around her are totally bored/annoyed). She is happy for others if something good happens, and never causes drama, but just isn’t that interested in the details of the lives of others.  If anyone expresses annoyance, it has to be really obvious or she won’t get it, and if she does she chalks it up to them being jealous of her.  I find her to be kind of boring often, but I know she means well and certainly doesn’t mean to hurt other people, and I know she really values our friendship and if i’m in the right mood we can have a good time together.

I got married recently and had a lovely wedding. we were interested in keeping things low-key, with an emphasis on food and drink and dancing.  partway through our reception, it became clear that Sarah was telling all of our mutual friends (loudly enough that people who didn’t know her remarked to me about it) that she was going to have sex in the bathroom with her boyfriend.  she accosted both myself and my husband about it separately and asked if i would care. i replied that i couldn’t care less but i didn’t really want to be having this conversation right now.  she told me that it seemed like i cared but then went on about how she was talking about it all dinner and was oblivious to the fact that i didn’t want to be taken away from my wedding to discuss it. 

 Granted, she was really drunk, but i don’t know if it justifies 45 minutes of discussion on the dance floor with anyone who will listen.  our mutual friends, my friends who know her, and my friends who don’t kept coming up to me to discuss it (in a, omg, what is the matter with this person! kind of way). Eventually she did do it (she wasn’t very discreet in taking him off the dancefloor and into the bathroom, and they stayed there for quite a while), and returned and announced it to several friends.

She seems to think this is a cute, fun story and has related it several times since the wedding to other people. we do have a couple as friends who are famous for sneaking off and having sex at events, but they are ALWAYS discreet and never make a big deal of it. she brought it up in front of me once and i replied tersely that everyone at the wedding knew she had a good time, including friends of mine she didn’t know.  i said that the next time i get married, i wanted to have a sex in the bathroom don’t ask don’t tell policy (it was a joke, but i tend to joke around when i’m irritated). i doubt she could sense irritation but hasn’t brought it up to me since, but continues to regale everyone else with this story.

here’s my issue.  i’m not the kind of person who cares if people are intimate in the bathroom at my wedding.  if it were anyone else i would think it was sort of comical. i am irritated though that she made such a huge deal out if it and that i had people coming up to me to ask about it repeatedly. Is it worth confronting her about this? I don’t see what good it would do but it’s really driving me nuts. It seems like she totally doesn’t think it’s a big deal, and if she can’t see it, me telling her several weeks later won’t accomplish much.  I don’t want to discuss it with mutual friends (except for an eyeroll here or there) because i don’t want to create drama or have people be annoyed with her for an issue she has with me (that she doesn’t even know exists!)

 sorry so long, any advice on how to deal?

Post # 3
Member
3363 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2009

I would flat out tell her you (and the rest of the world) has heard enough!  Tell her you were embarrassed.  Tell her people were disgusted.  Give her time to be mad at you for being honest.  Maybe it will help her in the long run.  May sound harsh, but she needs to grow up. (or see a psychologist).

 

Post # 4
Member
337 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2009

Goodness! What drama! I’m sorry you had to go through with this. Talk about Klassy with a capital K. I would leave it alone for now, but perhaps distance yourself from her. If she brings it up again (which it sounds like she will), I would state that you did not appreciate her behavior at your wedding and thought her announcements were crass. It sounds like she needs a swift kick in the head to wake her up to how people see her.

Post # 5
Member
613 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2009

yesh…well, the most high road thing to do would probably be to just drop it since the wedding was a month ago and most people have probably moved on. I, however, would tell her to shut the blankety blank up the next time she even started to tell the story.  then i would counter that from now on, the only stories you want to hear from her are how beautiful you looked.  or you could totally guilt her into closing that trap of hers…my granny heard you going on and on and was so offended.  could you please stop recounting this story to others.  instead of a laugh, you are making people uncomfortable…

Post # 6
Member
74 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: October 2009

I’m so sorry about this but why are you even friends with this person?  I had a friend like this and she thought the whole world revolved around her and wanted attention all the time.  I found her so annoying and couldn’t stand it anymore so I had to drop her.  My advice is don’t say anything to her.  She’s always going to be like that and its not like she’s going to change. 

Post # 7
Member
2324 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2020

Ok, you have more than one friend who thinks it’s cute to have sex at public events? Really? Yuck. I would just skip the conversation with her, but I also wouldn’t invite her to your children’s birthday parties. 

Post # 8
Member
4 posts
Wannabee

Hi guys,

 Thanks for responding, it’s really helpful to get different points of view. I agree with you guys that if she does bring it up again it would be appropriate to let her know how unimpressed i was.

KateMW – you made me laugh. i do have a couple friends who are, shall we say, exhibitionistic. i hear about it later over wine with the girls. what can i say, it doesn’t really bother me too much – if it’s your thing, go ahead, just be discreet!  I think that’s my issue with this girl – she wasn’t discreet and i wonder if it was because she wanted to be the centre of attention – LOOK AT ME! MY BOYFRIEND AND I ARE SO INTO EACH OTHER!! 

MsJoe – You make some good points.  I certainly am working on distancing myself.  My post was (too!) long because i wanted to give some context – ie, she has some good qualities, didn’t mean to harm anyone. I am distancing myself and setting boundaries because to be honest I don’t have alot of fun with her – the bragging can get old and she’s not super interested in the things i am.

I think that’s the crux of my question, and I would love input from other bees: in friendships when someone does something to hurt you, does it matter if they meant to or not?  "Sarah" didn’t mean to harm anyone (i hope!) but i imagine has insecurity issues as well as difficulty reading people that results in her coming off terribly. I feel guilty therefore about taking away my friendship when it’s important to her.

Has anyone been in a situation where they have felt guilty about ending a friendship because that person "means well" or "has issues"?

Post # 9
Member
36 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: October 2009

It does matter if a friend hurts you, intentionally or not. If I hurt a friend without meaning to, I want to know about it so that I can apologize and explain and avoid hurting them in the future if I can.

Post # 10
Member
796 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2009

lambchop – I’m with MsJoe. I know you say you gave context, but I don’t see one good quality that this friend has. I have been friendly with someone like this, and believe me, they are telling the same stories over and over again because they believe people like them – in their heads, they are so funny and hilarious and wonderful and such good storytellers how could anyone not want to hear it a million times?!? And how dare you try to take the spotlight away from her at your own wedding, celebrating your love – she’s so crazy and fun and spontaneous and in love she’s going to have sex in the bathroom and tell everyone!

If I had met this girl on the night of your wedding I would have told her to shut up and get over herself. She is only ever thinking about herself. That kind of person cannot be a good friend.

Post # 11
Member
14181 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

1) she’s probably secretly SUPER insecure. Regardless, not OK behavior.

2) Next time she brings it up, roll your eyes and go, "Sarah, we get it, but we’re tired of hearing about your risque romps with your boyfriend. Not everyone cares as much as you do sweetie". Sarcasm usually works for me. 

3) I have a friend who is so religious and old fashioned that she is incredibly offensive to everyone around her. She will say things like, "well, *MY* BF doesn’t want to sleep with me because he loves me" in a room full of the rest of us girls. I don’t want to offend anyone out there in Weddingbee land who is religious like my friend. But, she can be offensive and says she doesn’t care because God says it’s ok to push her views on others, despite them not being solicited and despite the fact it bristles EVERYONE’S feathers. It took me awhile to get over her comments  but I just shrug and chalk it up to her immaturity and her own insecurities. It still matters that she’s being offensive, but I also know her intentions are good and not malicious. I have tried mentioning it to her that she comes across poorly sometimes, but she doesn’t *get* it, so I’ve given up, and your friend may not "get it" either or may not care. I, too, have distanced myself from her. I’m just waiting for her to mature and maybe you need to take the high road a little bit with your friend. 

4) i’d shrug off comments from other people and say something, like,"wel, that’s Sarah for ya, not sure what to tell you!" If you act upset by it, people will start having discussions with you about it, enabling MORE converstion. 

Post # 12
Member
579 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2009

does she know that this is an issue? i think she needs a bit of a rude awakening. (incidentally, i also have a friend who is *completely* oblivious to how she is perceived, but she’s never done anything this egregious, so i try to subtly point out to her when she’s being perceived as a jerk.)

i think next time she brings it up (which it sounds like she will), you should make it very clear that you’re having an issue: not that she had sex at your wedding, but that she made a public spectacle of herself at your wedding which distracted others from celebrating your marriage, and that she’s continuing to do so by spreading this story around. a couple sneaking off is, i think, only "cute" to people who are *in* that couple.

does it seem like she cares about you as a friend in other respects? it sounds like she’s not very good about thinking about what you want and need… i can’t believe she wanted to talk with you about this at your wedding!

Post # 13
Member
2640 posts
Sugar bee

I agree with a lot that has been said.  It sounds like this isn’t her first incident of trying to be the center of attention and not knowing how she comes across.  I think the issue is this general behavior and how it’s annoying you.  I think it’s wise to wait until the next opportunity, then address it as appropriate.  I would also let her know in general how she is coming across.  And how it is creating the opposite affect from what she wants (which is probably to have people like her.)  If you’ve really considered her a friend, I think you should think about what might be in her best interest.  To me that means letting her know how badly her actions affect her relationships.  She could get really angry at you and strom off.  But that doesn’t mean that it wasn’t necessary to say.  And if she doesn’t change nor wants to remain friends with ou because of it… it doesn’t sound like it’s that big of a loss.

Post # 14
Member
4 posts
Wannabee

thanks again for your feedback, this is really helpful for me! you guys are a great community and so thoughtful in your responses.

ES123 – i absolutely agree with you that there is some element of narcissism here, and I agree with Ejs4y8 that she is very insecure.  From my posts she sounds pretty terrible, but she has been a good friend to me – she tries to be interested in my life, never puts me down, is very loyal, helpful if i need anything, not demanding at all.  Ejs4y8 – i really like your comment about how not to engage with other friends who bitch about her – in the long run it’s probably not productive or healthy. 

Worcesterbride – i thinks he has NO IDEA how she comes across.  I don’t think it would ever occur to her that I would be upset.  She’s very black and white in her thinking – "lambchop is my friend, and laidback about the wedding, and she listens to my stories, so of course she would think this is funny!"

 I have often wondered whether it is my place to tell her how terribly she comes across sometimes. her defenses are so strong that she can misinterpret almost anything to come out in a positive light for her.  i wonder if there is any point to saying, dude, you come across like an idiot/self-involved/conceited at times.  I feel for her because she values her friendships so much and has NO IDEA how much she annoys her girlfriends.  She has a way of making people feel terrible about themselves – ie. she’ll talk about how she needs to eat 3000 calories a day to put weight on when other people are struggling to lose weight, or she’ll go on about how her new bf wants to marry her after a month while another girl has been waiting for a proposal for a couple years.  I think she thinks that she is sharing, but doesn’t realize that it hurts people. As crazy as it sounds, she does make all of us laugh with her craziness most days and we chalk it up, as you said, to sarah being sarah.

Perhaps this is a friendship that has run its course…i feel bad because she cares about me a lot and is likely going to ask me to be her MOH/BM when she does get married.

Post # 15
Member
14181 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

I think we all have a friend like this….(namely my friend I mentioned above, too, so you aren’t alone). you don’t want to lose her because she can still be a good friend, but the tact is lacking, and it may or may not be your place to bring it up. I see where you are going with that. Do you care enough about her not to lose her friendship? She just may be one of your fair weathered friends, or, when she brings up certain things, maybe you just have to find a phrase that truncates and ends her discussion.

When she does something that is offensive and inappropriate in mixed company, for example the eating issue, just say something like, "well not everyone gets to stuff their face all day so just count your blessings" and see what works in regards to hushing her.  Or, when she talks about all the junk she can eat, you can say how bad all that is for her anyways and it’ll give her a heart attack in the end….SOMETHING to indicate the conversation is stopping there.

She probably likes to be the center of attention and starting up a discussion is probably the only thing she knows how to do. 

Post # 16
Member
137 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

Wow i think at some point in life we all run into the pesky kind of person. In all honesty you need to tell her to shut up or every time she brings the subjet up ruffle around in your purse, get a drink of water ect cut her off right in her track and busy yourself other wise. She will eventually get the hint that every time she brings the subject up that you are not interested. If she asks you why you are acting like that then right there you let her know that the story is over done. Tell her you are so pround of her doing it in a germ infested bathroom..lol oh wait she might think that is a comment. Good Luck with you friend and congrats on your marriage.

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