(Closed) Friend being rude about wedding budget

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
Post # 62
Member
4605 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

I went through something similar with my Maid/Matron of Honor. She DIY’d almost everything for her upcoming wedding and what she didn’t was either gifted to her or she found it for a steal. I’m DIYing a few parts of my wedding, but there were some things that I splurged on a bit. Whenever we would talk, she would comment on how expensive this was or that was and how she did this or that instead. We have an open and honest relationship too, so I just told her that I was glad that she’s having the wedding she wants, but this is the wedding I want. No comments after that. She really thought that she was being helpful, and I understand that, but she had a huge group of people giving her things or giving her things so she didn’t have to spend money whereas I don’t have that. 

Post # 63
Member
33 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: June 2014

I had issues with my sister/matron of honor questioning my budget.  She got married last year and paid for her wedding herself.  My parents paid for her college education and bought her a car when she was younger so she actually ended up with a better deal.  My parents gave me a modest budget of 15k.  She was constantly questioning how much things cost and saying that things were too expensive.  We got into a fight recently about a few things and I laid it all out on the table.  I told her it was none of her damn business what anything cost and if she couldn’t be happy and supportive of me now that it was my moment, I didn’t want her around.  I think it was hard for her to not be the center of attention anymore and a lot of times people act out.  Could be a similar issue with your bridesmaid.  Anyway, I think she woke up and has been nothing but supportive and happy for me ever since.  Speak up.  If someone is a real friend, they’ll cut that shit out.  If not, you don’t really want them around anyway.  Congrats on your wedding!  I hope it’s everything you guys want!

 

Post # 64
Member
3277 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

@flapperphilosopher:  

She’s just JEALOUS. Your “friend” is being judgemental because it makes her feel better about her wedding being cheap.

I encountered a lot of jealous women while I was engaged and some after I married. All of the women who gave me a hard time were unhappily single or raising kids on their own. They hated to see me happy with a good man.

Maybe you can have a serious talk with your friend. She shouldn’t be a part of your wedding if this is going to be her attitude.

Post # 65
Member
429 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

@flapperphilosopher:  I am currently in a similar situation as you, but roles reversed.  I am a DIY, vintage type person and always have been.  I want to DIY my wedding! My friend is being rude about my budget by saying “spend more, have more extravagent center pieces, just pay someone to do that, well if you wont pay for it I will”.  I think she is trying to be supportive in her own way even though its irritating to me, because all I’ve ever wanted was a simple wedding with earthy tones and a DIY theme (yes even before pinterest I’ve DIYed everything!!) I want to include my friend in my wedding but I feel like everytime I do shes not nuts over my choices and voices that she doesn’t like them.  Honestly I’ve come to the realization that the term “Bridezilla” has been derived from the fact that your family members and friends aren’t listening to your requests and think that their ideas are better.  And bring out the zilla in the brides from all the extra stress of their familys not just accepting what they want!!!  I’d say its more like “family and friend zilla!!!”

So my point is, maybe your friend is trying to help and be supportive in her own way by saying these things.  Maybe she wants to help you cut costs by DIYing.  Cut her some slack or try to talk to her (which I am planning on doing with my friend too).  

Do I still think its rude of your friend? YES!

Post # 66
Member
429 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

Oh and I want to add, this is the friend that has said things to me like, “When WE pick your wedding date, when WE pick your venue, etc” when I think these are all things that me and my Fiance should be doing, not me and my friend.  

Post # 67
Member
13362 posts
Honey Beekeeper

 You can always say that since this involves other people in addition to you,  ie your Fiance, the parents, or whomever is hosting, you  don’t really think it’s your place to share that information.  If she criticizes your choices constantly, I’d have a heart to heart and tell her that you know she means well and is trying to be helpful, but by criticizing your choices she’s hurting your feelings.

Post # 68
Member
2597 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

View original reply
@flapperphilosopher:  A great reply when someone asks a rude, intrusive, inappropriate question is, “Why do you ask?” It’s a polite way to point out their question crosses the line and also hopefully makes them actually think about what they’re Saying and hoe it’s coming across.

You could also just reply that whatever you’re buying or paying for is within your set budget.

Post # 69
Member
450 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2013 - Garden

Nobody has asked me anything about my budget, and if they did I would let them know that it is no concern of theirs. I think you just need to be very firm with her if she asks again, hopefully that will put a stop to it.

Post # 70
Member
2076 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014 - British Columbia

View original reply
@flapperphilosopher:  I have only read until post #20.

However, if someone made a rude comment about wedding budget — be it me being cheap or going over-board — I would simply say, “Thank you for your concern. However, this is my Fiance and my decision. Sorry girlfriend, but I’m not marrying you.”

I think your friend thinks she’s the budget queen and is imposing her knowledge and experiences with you and may not be aware of constraints you are facing: such as lack of time or other resources to DIY; etc.

Post # 71
Member
1219 posts
Bumble bee

Maybe she’s genuinely surprised that you can actually afford to spend that much.  It still doesn’t make it acceptable to make you feel bad, but it doesn’t mean its malicious either.  If she’s not saying it in a snotty way, then maybe its just a “wow” response.

Honestly, I liked your idea about telling her that you don’t want the stress of diy.  Its the truth.

 

Post # 72
Member
289 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

going through something similar but with my Mother-In-Law. She looked up the cost of our venue and gave us some snotty “well if it were me, I would use it as a down payment on a house.”

My parents are paying for our wedding and this type of request would not fly with them, trust me I tried. They will pay for whatever wedding we want, but the funds are NOT tranferable.

When she kept bringing it up I told her “Money is for aleviating suffering in the world and for creating/sharing experiences with the ones you love. Our wedding falls under the second catagory, we hope that by spending this kind of money we can create a truely memorable experience for the people who are nearest and dearest to us.”

 

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