Post # 17
@MissHelen: Three months is different than three weeks. I’m normally not one to judge a short relationship, but in this case, this is really, really short with lots of other messy moving pieces.
@Happy_Bee: The fact that she is telling you to lie about the wife and kids is a red flag. Kids are a part of a guy’s life. Even if it’s a nasty divorce and he doesn’t see them, they’re a part of his life. I’d gently tell her your thoughts without being overly judgmental in like a month, if they’re even still together at that point. You can be supportive of her without being supportive of her situation.
Post # 18
It concerns me that the man’s children would not be a part of ‘their lives’ …. He has a family and as his fiance, she should be getting to know them in a positive way.
Can you be supportive but from a distance? This sounds like a hot and funky mess waiting to happen. Drama that you don’t need as you plan for your wedding.
Post # 19
@Keisha In Love: I agree. My fiance and I dated for 3 months before I even let him meet my daughter. She is a HUGE part of our relationship and if they BOTH don’t accept each other I knew that my Fiance and me would not work out. Red flags all over the place. 3 weeks in is still the “honeymoon” stage. Maybe you should wait till she gets serious about wedding planning i.e. putting down a deposit for a venue, before you say anything. Be supportive of her happiness and not necessarily of the relationship. Keep us posted!
Post # 20
His children will always be part of their lives if they plan on continuing this relationship. And if he isn’t a present father, that is a bigger concern than his desire to jump into another marriage while still in one that is failing.
Sometimes people are so in love with the idea of being in love that they are blind to the red flags everyone else can see. That isn’t to say that some people can’t truly fall in love in short order but there has to be some sort of connection that is beyond the physical and the fantastical.
Marriage is a true committment that doesn’t need to be entered into lightly. I watched my brother date and marry his wife within 6 months. They were happy at the time but knew hardly anything about each other. Within their first year of marriage they had their son and their relationship was shaky, at best. He hid alot of things from her prior to their marriage and it all came out with a newborn in the house. He ended up dying before they could divorce but it was certainly going that route. I stood back and maintained my support but it is your duty as a friend to help her see the reality of her situation.
This man has kids and if he is a half-way decent human being they will be part of his life. That being said, their mother will be part of their lives. It is important to maintain a respectful relationship with her for the sake of the children. And if he gives up his kids to “devote” himself to her, who’s to say he won’t do the same thing to her if they have kids and he is unhappy with their relationship. Is she ready to be a step-mom and even more worst case, is she ready to be a single mom (sometime in the future if they do have children).
Good luck! I was in relationship with a man that noone supported. They were vocal and it made me fight even harder to stay in a relationship I really didn’t want to be in. I ended it after 3.5 years. So don’t fight against her relationship too hard… be supportive but honest and realistic and, like the other bees said, be prepared to help her pick up the pieces when he either wrongs her or she wakes up. And if it works out, you still have your friend.
Post # 21
We had a short courtship/engagement (five months dating, five months engaged) and I have friends who married even sooner, but I’d say this relationship has a ton of red flags beyond just the time issue:
1) She just got out of a relationship
2) He’s still married, not officially divorced yet, and has kids (who won’t be part of his life….why?)
3) He’s (I assume?) quite a bit older than her, or at least that’s the impression I got from your post
If you consider her a good enough friend to be in your bridal party, I would say something. Maybe not as blunt as “This is stupid! What are you thinking?!?” 😀 but along the lines of, “You know I care about you and I’m here for you, no matter what, but I’m concerned about this relationship because….”
My now husband actually got engaged to a girl years ago (when we were just friends) after dating her for two weeks. It was a DUMB move, let me tell you….but most of their friends didn’t say anything because they were afraid of offending them. I expressed my concerns (as did a couple other people) and, sure enough, they were offended and distanced themselves. But later down the road, after the relationship deteriorated (before they got married, thankfully), he came back and thanked me for saying something and admitted that I was right. So you never know….even if she gets offended now, she might really appreciate it later on
Post # 22
I thought you all would care to know what happened?
They got married yesterday!!!……don’t ask. lol
Post # 23
Ugh. He sounds like a real winner. The fact that his children aren’t in their lives is definitely for the best. Yikes.
Post # 24
Huh?? Were you at the wedding?
Post # 25
Honestly… you can’t really judge, unless you’re in her shoes. Sometimes that’s all people need. My FI’s aunt met her husband and married him after 2 weeks. They’ve been married over 10 years, happily. Relationships aren’t based on a time limit, but on how you feel. What might seem like rushing to one person is an eternity to someone else. Ultimately – they’re adults and it’s their decision. If she’s your friend, be supportive and loving… that’s all she’s looking for right now. If it doesn’t work out, that isn’t anyone’s business but theirs.
Post # 26
modernday: No. I wasn’t invited. It was just her, her parents and him and his parents. Her 2 brothers refused to even meet the guy. It happened after her parents met his parents on their way back home after they had met. Her dad wanted them to get married at a temple right away so that he feels better abt them moving in together.
I think I should write a book abt this.
Post # 27
Wow. That’s just crazy! My first instinct upon reading the original post was “you never know” but there seem to be so many red flags here. I feel especially for the guy’s kids!
Post # 28
@Happy_Bee: Oh my gosh I was just reading this thread and saw that you posted that they got married yesterday? WOW.
Did you ever end up telling her how you feel? This is just a crazy situation to me…
Post # 29
If he’s in the process of getting a divorce how can they get legally married???
Post # 30
I’ve been through this many times with friends…MANY although not necessarily with engagements, but with getting preggers, or moving in, and once with a friend who got engaged.
Your friend is probably being haisty, but I knew when I met my Fiance that something was DIFFERENT…this caused me to take things slow, not jump the gun and scare him away, but I’m awesome what can I say. So, maybe they’re onto something and now they’ll figure out that relationships really are hard work and love isn’t really enough? It can work.
BUT in general I have to remind myself OFTEN that I need to support my friends no matter what. I’m there to pick up the pieces w/out saying I told you so and I’m not there to be their guardian angel. Its not my job to look after my friends heart…and like I could convince them otherwise anyway?
Depending on your level of friendship and this person’s personality you MIGHT be able to have an open conversation with them. Not a conversation of “this is too soon what are you thinking”, but a conversation of how they knew it was right and are they prepared for the future…from an angle of your really happy for her, but a bit taken back, and you’re not sure how others will react so you want to be supportive.
BUT I have friends that I know would get defensive with even that conversation and if she’s like that I would just leave it.
Sometimes being a good friend is tough, eh?
Post # 31
@Ms. Martian: He is still legaly married to the mother of his kids. My friend is Indian. They went to an indian temple and got “married” by doing all the traditional things like walking around the fire 7 times etc. It is not legal, but according to her tradition they are married. This is what she said. She kept justyfying the fact that I wasn’t there by saying that this is not a real wedding. I feel sorry for her. I feel SO bad for his kids 🙁 This is one messed up situation.