(Closed) Friend confided in me that he's considering divorce.

posted 5 years ago in Emotional
Post # 15
Member
1167 posts
Bumble bee

Couple of things:

(1)  Tag along.  It doesn’t matter if she likes/hates an event.  You can’t dictate how a married couple should or should not spend their time.  She might be a raging b*tch after spending 4 hours at a concert she hates but name-calling her is not going to solve this problem.  She IS doing her job as a spouse (being there for her husband), it is HE who is not doing his job as a husband (going to events SHE likes, telling her she could go to other events).  He should be having this conversation with her about events, etiquette, etc.  This is not your territory, you don’t know how he acts behind close doors no matter how close you are.  Cut out the name calling.

(2)  Runs to you.  If he literally runs to you, YOU better move towards her and tell both them immature married couple to hash it out themselves and say outright:  “I do not appreciate to be a part of a married couple’s spat.”  He might want to walk away on issues and fights, but walking towards YOU isn’t helping how his wife feels.  Long running friendship will not save you on how inappropriate this all sounds. 

Right now, you are the bane of his wife’s existence because you represent a hurdle in their relationship.  Instead of running to his wife and communicating how he feels (like adults do), he runs to you and use you as a shield.  This is not appropriate and you should set boundaries to your friends.

I love all my male friends, but when they start using me to inflict emotional pain on someone else, then I start truly getting upset.  I am not a toy, and I don’t appreciate being used to manipulate/control other people. 

Post # 16
Member
1883 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

Aquaria:  I am all about my friendships and am totally not one of those girls who believe men and women shouldn’t be friends. However, you need to step back from your friend’s relationship and not be the person he runs to. He is a big boy and he needs to figure out his relationship without running to his friends, regardless of gender. If they break up, you can be there to pick up the pieces. 

Post # 17
Member
3169 posts
Sugar bee

Don’t let him come and vent to you when you’re out with his wife. That puts you in a really uncomfortable position and paints you in an awful light. I have heaps of male friends, and yes even ones who have confided in me when they have been having relationship problems, but I always make an effort to make their partners feel super comfortable when we’re all together because I want my friends to be happy and because I aint no fool; if their women don’t like and trust me the odds are our friendship won’t last v long. 

Post # 18
Member
11574 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2015

It seems like he is being really manipulative and is using you to make her feel bad. He needs to take responsibility for his feelings and you need to put an end to him using you as a weapon.

I would avoid being in a situation where he could do this and I wouldn’t be his ear right now either. It’s not that you can’t be his friend, but it’s just not smart to let him run to you when he is thinking about ending his marriage. In the long run, firm boundaries will protect your friendship and him from his worst instincts.

Post # 19
Member
1909 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: February 2015

Personally, my husband does not hang out with female friends without me being present. And I would be offended if they considered me a tag along.

Post # 20
Member
1066 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

My two best friends in the world are male – and yes there have been times when I have gone to them to vent about my relationships.  

I think everyone is being a bit harsh here.  I would feel resentful too if Fiance wanted to tag along to EVERYTHING my friends and I do, though of course he is invited regularly.  

The only issue I see is him running to you in front of her when they are having an arguement.  That is just childish and disrespectful, regardless who the people are in the relationship (I would never run to another friend because one friend and I got into a fight)

If he wants to talk about getting a divorce with you I say you should absolutely lend an ear though I would hesitate giving any advice, only because if he follows it and regrets it, he will blame you.  I would however if he runs to you again in public, tell him you aren’t getting in the middle of the two of them.  I’m sure the wife would appreciate that too.

Post # 21
Member
366 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: February 2016 - Church by the beach,

I would find it strange if my husband had female friends he wanted to take on ‘date’ like trips I think you might be causing a lot of tension in the relationship especially by referring to her as a tag along part of being in a relationship is spending time together my fi takes me shopping fun for him probably not but he does it because I like it, same as if he wants to hang out with male friends he will also want me there because we are in a very close relationship.

It seems like your enabling him to treat his wife without proper respect honestly.

Post # 22
Member
715 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

I’m sorry but everyone is being harsh here. You have every right to be his friend, I do not think you need to step back. It is his relationship and him to decide. In saying that I would encourage them to be more open during communication.

I do agree with others you need to kick him in the arse if he walks away from his wife to you when he’s upset. I understand wanting to be there for him but he’s being an idiot. I would be so upset if Fiance and I were arguing and he left to talk to his friend about it instead of me.

 

Post # 23
Member
2160 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

Aquaria:  If you were my husband’s friend I think I would really dislike you, sorry :-/

You don’t seem to respect your friend’s wife at all.

I will just re-itterate what the previous posters have said – your friend should NOT be discussing his marital issues with you and should NOT be running to you, he should be running to his wife. If his wife is uncomfortable with the two of you hanging out 1-on-1 then that’s also something to bear in mind and limit out of consideration for her feelings. I would never meet up with my male friends 1-on-1 if their wives were uncomfortable with it. I would also plan an activity that both of the would enjoy.. there’s no way I’d invite my friend, I dunno, go-karting, if I knew that is wife hated that activity.

In your current situation I would tell your friend to back off, stop hanging out with me one on one, and deal with any problems directly with his wife.

Post # 24
Member
303 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2013

you are the other woman even if you don’t feel like it. He gets mad and walks away and goes to you. You consider *her the tag along in your outings with *her husband. He is confiding in you about serious marital problems. You are the other woman if you want to believe it or not.

marriage should be top priority. This is her marriage and it doesn’t matter how long the two of you were friends. He didn’t promise to love you forever, that promise is hers.

I’m not saying that you want to be with him or anything but regardless you need to step back and give their marriage a chance. You are interfering, even if unintentionally.

I know I will probably get a lot of backlash for this and I don’t care. If I knew I was in the middle of something leading to divorce, I would politely back out.

you clearly dont like her, I’m glad you didn’t give him advice. I really hope you can back away and point them to someone who can help their situation.

marriage is sacred and no one should get in the middle of it that is not in the marriage.

we would hate for another woman to consider you the tag along with your husband and would hate for him to go to her when he has a problem in your marriage etc. And what are you doing going out with him on what appears to be dates? That woman has every right to be suspicious and “tag along”.

I’ve got need for ya… She’s his wife, which means you are the tag along. Not her.

I’m not trying to be mean but this is her marriage, you have no right to be involved and play this part. Even if you’re invited.

Post # 26
Member
294 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2017

It honestly seems like you’re the tag along on these dates. You’re the third wheel. Your friend is super immature. He needs to handle his business with his wife directly. 

Post # 27
Member
1308 posts
Bumble bee

I’m not sure I’d want to be friends with a man who is so disrespectful to his marriage.  She’s not a “tag along” and often we do things for our SO that we don’t want to do.  I know you said she complains, but that’s between them.  

I get that you guys have always been friends, but she is his wife.  It sounds like he is using you as an “escape” from his marriage, which is completely inappropriate IMO.  Your relationship with him sounds like what people who are dating do in high school…I don’t know him, but it sounds like he has no business married and is kind of a crappy person.  If he picked a crappy wife, he needs to man up and leave the relationship, not string you both along for the ride.

Post # 30
Member
362 posts
Helper bee

 

swirlyclover86:  THIS.

OP, he is TOTALLY using you as a shield from dealing with his emotional issues with her, and it doesn’t matter that you’re married: MARRIED PEOPLE CHEAT WITH OTHER MARRIED PEOPLE ALL THE TIME, and guess how it’s starts? By EMOTIONALLY cheating.

I’m sure you’re not the kind of girl who would get involved with someone else’s husband, but she doesn’t know that because from the way you refer to her as a “tag-along” I’m guessing you 2 aren’t close. Personally, if I where the friend’s wife, it would really hurt me if my husband shut himself down from me everytime we had a disagreement and then made himself emotionally available to someone else he has more interests in common with, and someone I don’t know well enough to trust very much.

Try to look at it from her perspective… If your husband did the same thing with a female friend of his, you’d be wildly hurt, and of course it wouldn’t bring out the best in you. 

Your friend needs to work on his marriage, not run to you to bad-mouth it and his wife. That’s the ultimate sign of disrespect to me, and in her eyes you are participating in that. 

If I were you, I would sit down with him and say this:

“Look. You are my friend and I am always here for you, but it’s very uncomfortable for me being put in the middle of your marital problems. Also, I respect your wife – being a wife myself – and I can see how you venting to me about her and being so obvious about it is hurtful towards her, so out of said respect I think you should talk to someone else about what’s going on, preferably a counselor. I’d like you two to be happy, but if you can’t be I don’t want anyone to be able to say I constributed to the end of your marriage in anyway. You vowed to put her before everyone else, so go do that and when/if you two are able to fix things maybe her and I get off on a better foot where she feels I’m her friend as well.”

I have a lot guys friends too, so I’m always very careful of this per the Golden Rule. The wife/girlfriend is the wife/girlfriend and I am the FRIEND. They come before me and I show my respect for that by taking the time to get to know them on a one-on-one basis so they’re comfortable with me and know that I acknowledge their status and relationship space, just like in a wolf pack or something.

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