(Closed) Friend confided in me that he's considering divorce.

posted 5 years ago in Emotional
Post # 31
Member
910 posts
Busy bee

You having no romantic interest in him doesn’t stop the situation being inappropriate. 

Post # 32
Member
4643 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

If OP were male, she wouldn’t be getting this kind of backlash from everyone. I don’t see why everyone is turning on her and making it seem like SHE is the problem? The way I see it, she is just being there for a friend.

If the friend were a girl confiding in OP, she would be seen as supporting a friend, not as interfering with the marriage or being “the other woman”. I think those comments are a bit harsh.

I have been in the same situation as OP and in fact, my male friend is probably filing those divorce papers this month. He moved out of their shared home 4 months ago and I have been there (along with my husband sometimes but not always) to listen, give advice and support. Yes, he turned to me when he was upset with his wife, to talk things over with me, but he could have done that with a male friend. Just so happens I am not male. So what. 

I don’t feel like I broke up their marriage. They were already on the rocks. 

Post # 34
Member
4643 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

Aquaria:  I see it as you being a friend. not a home wrecker. (see my post above). I have been there, right where you are. 

Post # 35
Member
8919 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

Yeah, lots of people have no romantic interest in a friend but still get a thrill from suspecting that the friend has feelings for them. It’s an ego boost to say “He’s married but he hates when she tags along and ruins our together time, and he runs to me with his problems. It’s so awkward now that I know something super intimate about their marriage that she doesn’t even know and will be blindsided with. Oh well, I’m still having fun. Why are you looking at me like that, we’re totally just friends. Ew, I don’t like him like that!”

Post # 37
Member
910 posts
Busy bee

Aquaria:  the difference being that his wife is clearly uncomfortable with your relationship hence she ‘tags along’ to situations she’s not happy with. And then they argue and he storms off to you. So she feels his loyalty is to you, and you could see how that would taint her view of your friendship. Reverse situation bees would be saying ‘why do you run to your friend and not your husband? ‘. 

Post # 38
Member
362 posts
Helper bee

Aquaria: You’re welcome, and I definitely don’t think you’re a homewrecker, but I think you need to be open to the idea that your friend might be using you that way in the sense that a lot of men cheat not because they really care about and/or want to be with the person they’re cheating with, but because they subconsciously (or even purposely) want to sabatoge their existing relationship.

Basically, his wife has expressed to him that she’s uncomfortable with your relationship and instead of taking steps to reassure her and nurture a friendship between you and her, he’s fueling her insecurities by running to you with their marriage problems and essentially pitting you 2 against each other. 

For whatever reason, he has decided to act out against his wife instead of work on their marriage, and you don’t want to be a knowing accomplice to that. I’ve had guy friends call me “just to hang out and have a beer” only to find out later that they’d gotten in a fight with their girlfriend or wife and wanted to punish them by hanging out with ME as opposed to venting to any one of their gazillion guy friends, and I was PISSED. I am not a weapon of manipulation to be used against other women, and neither are you. Period.

Post # 39
Member
6040 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2019 - City, State

 

Aquaria:  I think the biggest problem here that most are overlooking is that while YOU may not have any ill intentions, his actions are wrong even without the romance factor. why? because he’s choosing to discuss his problems with his wife with you instead of his wife. No matter if we like it or not, interactions between men and women vs a man and another man are going to be different. Not because it automatically has to be romantic but more because we function differently. We are the more emotional gender and we tend to be more naturally nurturing and supportive. The problem is the first person he should be going to for that is his wife. Instead he’s getting that from you and that’s where the true problem lies. Rather than figure out what’s not working in his own marriage, he’s using your friendship as a way to get what he needs without having to actually deal with his wife or face the problems head on. Basically, he’s getting from you what he should be getting from his wife first and she should be the only other party (aside from a counselor possibly) that he is solving or discussing his problems with. It might be different if he was doing that first and then coming to you to bounce ideas around or get your take as an outsider but the fact that he avoids his wife entirely makes this different then him just venting to a friend. female or not.

 

For the record I never said or thought that you were a home wrecker. But I do think that should he ask for a divorce, she is going to see you as part of why her marriage didn’t work. He should be the only one held responsible for that ya know?

Post # 40
Member
1308 posts
Bumble bee

FWIW, OP, if you were a male, or even the guys MOTHER, this would still be not good behavior on his part.  There are certain things that a married couple needs to work out.  Frankly, I think he is being a crap friend for putting you in this situation.  There is nothing friendly about what he’s doing. 

I think blaming you for the issue is unfair and that you should not be, HOWEVER, that is not to say the relationship isn’t inappropriate.  At least your conversation isn’t.  Inappropriate relationship between a man and a woman doesn’t necessarily mean people are accusing you of being a home wrecker.

We are in a society where everyone thinks it’s ok, acceptable, or friendly to know everyone’s business.  I blame facebook 🙂

Post # 41
Member
964 posts
Busy bee

Tinatiny1:  It seems like he is being really manipulative and is using you to make her feel bad. He needs to take responsibility for his feelings and you need to put an end to him using you as a weapon.

Bingo.

OP, you said several times that you don’t know both sides and so on but your perspective in your posts shows definite favortism slanted to his side. He is using you as a manipulation tactic, he runs to you to complain about her behind her back, he runs to you right in front of her and you truly can’t understand why she is uncomfortable with your friendship?? 

Has it occured to you that he has these loose crappy boundaries with other women and not just you? It would explain a lot. But as you said, you really have zero idea of what is going on with them since you only have his side so you should probably take a step back and realize how you subtly blaming her and siding with him isn’t helping.

Post # 43
Member
294 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2017

Aquaria:  

It wouldnt kill you to have some empathy for his wife. I know he probably has painted her as some crazy woman, but logic would dictate that his portrayal is probably not wholly grounded in reality. Especially his behavior being what it is. Even if “he doesn’t like her”, she’s his wife and he should man up and do something about his marriage rather than crying to you. Thats just immature any way you slice it. 

Post # 44
Member
362 posts
Helper bee

Aquaria:  Okay… the more and more you tell us, the more and more your friend sounds like an immature a-hole who has zero business being married. And if he has a habit of using ALL of his friends as a shield to avoid having to address his troubled marriage like an adult, than there are no “safe ones.” She probably has an idea her marriage is crumbling, which is why she’s grasping on tighter and at least trying, whereas he seems determined to get out while demonizing her in the process.

How unfair of him to turn everyone against her like that and to take no responsibility for anything himself… I’m starting to think his wife should be the one divorcing HIM :/

Post # 45
Member
1167 posts
Bumble bee

Agreed.  The more I hear from your updates, the less respect I have for your friend.  It’s hard to hear when strangers take apart what you perceive as a good man, but his actions are not what I would call respectable. 

In all honesty, I wish he’d divorce her now.  She seems determined to hold on to this marriage, and he is disrespecting her in front of friends (YOU).  I would not want to be with a man who would run to another woman for advice, who would disrespect me in front of others blatantly and without remorse, and who would name-call me like a infantile frat boy.  That does not speak well for a human being, let alone a loving husband. 

The topic ‘Friend confided in me that he's considering divorce.’ is closed to new replies.

Find Amazing Vendors