(Closed) Friend confided in me that he's considering divorce.

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 76
Member
362 posts
Helper bee

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kmark2688: 

Wait, what? No. No one is telling you to step in and interfere here. Most are advising you to take a step back and tell your friend to stop confiding in you when it comes to personal matters with his relationship. Don’t allow him to use you as a shield, as others have suggested. That doesn’t mean you need to end your friendship with him, just set some boundaries! What he is doing is inappropriate. Period. Put your foot down and be the bigger person here.

^ This, OP. THIS. ^

That’s all everyone’s saying. Literally everyone, though.

Post # 78
Member
674 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

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Aquaria:  She’s not my wife, I’m not the one complaining about her.

Except you are complaining about her. By calling her a tag-along, you are complaining about her.

If I were you, I would take a HUGE step back and let him ruin his marriage on his own.. I would NOT give any advice or lend an ear to somebody trash talking his wife and marriage, no matter how “close” we were! You never know when he could say to his wife, “Well, Aquaria…” or “Aquaria agrees/thinks”.  He could be making you out to be the “other woman” to his wife just to push her over the edge and get under her skin, and then in her eyes you are the “other woman”, no matter how innocent you think your actions are.

  • This reply was modified 5 years, 10 months ago by  MrsFNL.
Post # 79
Member
715 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

Why is he not allowed to vent to OP but us as girls are allowed to vent to girlfriends?

OP this is a sucky situation all you can do is support your friend, encourage him to talk to her and hope for the best.

you are not a homewrecker. 

Post # 80
Member
903 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

If my Fiance was your friend I would leave him high and dry at the altar. Sounds like he’s more emotionally invested in you than he is in her. It also sounds like he would rather go on “not-dates” with you, than dates with her. I’m not saying YOU are destroying the marriage but his feelings on you and her feelings on you are probably a big reason. You may not be doing anything wrong but she doesn’t see it that way. That is his WIFE if you need to step aside and let them work things out then have the respect to do that for her. Maybe you’re prettier or thinner or more fun or whatever but it’s likely that she feels threatend by you and that’s just not fair to her. Perhaps you should try to develop a relationship with her instead of always making her feel like the 3rd wheel. Invite her out to do things rather than her tagging along. My Fiance is a firefighter. He has a whole family of male friends that have also become my friends but if I went out with the guys on a regular basis I’m sure he would start thinking something else was going on. There’s nothing wrong with having fun with friends but you are a threat whether you like it or not, intentional or unintentional. 

Post # 81
Member
214 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2017

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Aquaria:  

I agree that there are a ton of bees being unnecessarily harsh.  Thank GOD that Fiance and I have separate sets of friends that we can hang out with and (gasp!) even vent to.  I would much rather Fiance vent to a friend when he’s upset with me, and then come back and discuss the issue calmly with me afterward, than to have an argument in the heat of the moment.  

Sometimes I’ll hang out with him and his friends (male or female, I see no reason why on earth it should matter), but only if it’s something I’m interested in.  If they’re just sitting around playing video games or something, I have no interest in being there.  That’s his time to enjoy things that he and his friends like.  He’s allowed to like things that I don’t.  And he’s allowed to enjoy them without me sitting around being a sourpuss because I don’t.  

His wife can be categorized as a tagalong because she’s doing just that–tagging along.  She’s not there because she enjoys whatever activity they’ve planned.  She’s tagging along because–I don’t even know why.  But when Fiance and I are in a group and everyone starts participating in something I don’t enjoy or care about, I leave.  No reason to stick around.  I’m not hurt.  I’m not offended.  I just have more interesting things to do, and I’m not going to drag him away with me when he’s having fun.

Vice Versa, there are some things that I and my (sometimes male) friends enjoy that Fiance doesn’t.  I shouldn’t have to feel that I can’t watch scary movies just because Fiance doesn’t like them, and I shouldn’t have to feel that MY friends and I have to avoid doing things we like just because he doesn’t.

For example, a male friend and I are going on a road trip next month, one-on-one.  My Fiance WANTS me to go, because he knows I could use the relaxation.  And he trusts me.  He knows that I always come home to him.  I don’t have to miss out on the experience of a lifetime because Fiance doesn’t like long car rides.

Furthermore, as brought up before, if OP were a male, nobody would be blaming her, they would be blaming the husband.

Just my two cents.  Obviously, people have varying comfort levels, but nobody needs to come down on OP.  

Post # 82
Member
362 posts
Helper bee

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Aquaria: 

I’d understand wanting to vent to your friends. Really, who has never done that? You’ve never been in a relationship that was going south and cried to your friend about it? You tried to save it no matter how unhappy you were without saying a word to anyone else?

EXCEPT HE DOES THIS IN FRONT OF HER.

Yes, we are all guilty of venting about our significant others to our friends, but when said significant other is there to witness it it’s not venting; it’s punishing her, and disrespecting her (in public, no less) and you’re helping him in both of those things when you let him do it. So stop. STOP. STOP. STOP.

Post # 84
Member
526 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

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GalaxyCat:  It doesn’t matter what sex the friend is, it’s inappropriate to tell anyone before your own spouse that you’re considering a divorce.  That’s not venting.  That’s being a back-stabbing asshole.

Post # 85
Member
362 posts
Helper bee

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Aquaria: 

GalaxyCat: Yes, why aren’t there any boundaries to speak of when it comes to girl-girl friendships? I think that’s where all of this is getting skewed.

It’s not skewed. Women who bash their men to their friends in front of them are referred to as bitches, ball-cutters, ball-and-chains, etc.

Your friend bashes his wife in front of her, therefore he is a jerk, ass, man-child, etc.

Ta-da! Equality at it’s finest, people.

Post # 86
Member
178 posts
Blushing bee

WHOA. I guess some people just like drama? I don’t think this sounds like a healthy ‘friendship” at all. 

Post # 87
Member
263 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

i agree with galaxycat. he’s venting to a friend. be it female or male, that appears to be all it is. there seems to be a large number of bees that are stuck in the 1950s and think that we should only speak with people of our same sex. weird.

Post # 89
Member
9194 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

there seems to be a large number of bees that are stuck in the 1950s and think that we should only speak with people of our same sex” LOL yeah that’s the problem. And we’re all jealous, don’t forget that. Jelly catty bitches stuck in the 50’s, every one of us. Except the 2 or 3 enlightened cool chicks. Everyone else is just jealous and doesn’t know how to hang with dewds. Or are too ugly or uptight or female to hang with dewds. Or don’t need to hang with dewds and listen to them bash their wives so we feel special and cool with our dewd bffs. But probably the first one, right?

Post # 90
Member
526 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

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SpiderMum:  if my husband told his best MALE friend that he was thinking about getting a divorce, I’d be livid.  I think I should get to know that before his friends. Likewise, if his best male friend referred to me as a “tag-a-long,” I would not want him in our lives.

The OP’s friend is disrespecting his wife.  Period.

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