(Closed) Friend confided in me that he's considering divorce.

posted 5 years ago in Emotional
Post # 91
Member
626 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2016

Mmmmm yes I think he’s testing the water with you, to see how you react to his “my wife doesn’t understand me” spiel. 

YOU may be just the same as always with this years-long platonic friendship, but I think he’s sounding you out for something. 

Post # 92
Member
1457 posts
Bumble bee

Aquaria: 

“My wife and I were fighting because she doesn’t like that I go out with my friends so much” is venting.

“My wife is a controlling bitch and I hate her and want to leave her forever” (taken from previous posts) is assholery. No person would want their SO saying that to any friend regardless of their gender.

 

It sounds like he’s not trying or willing to fix this, so if he decides to divorce her then I wish her well. Doesn’t sound like she’ll be losing out on too much.

Post # 94
Member
684 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2017 - Nashville, TN

My Fiance has a girl like this in his life. Friendship of 15 yrs and have a very small romantic history. She is married however I still feel very insecure when they are together 1 on 1. The few times we’ve all hung out (minus her hubby, he never seems to around) I always felt like they are more of a couple then him & I. It makes me very uncomforable. 

With that being said having boundries is the most important thing. Stay out of their personal business. I know personally its not fun having another female part of the relationship. 

Post # 95
Member
50 posts
Worker bee

Your actual question: 

“My question is how do I avoid awkwardness when I’m around her? When they argue in public he walks away from her and comes to me. I don’t want her to think I’m involved in how he feels. Any advice?”

The answer:

If you don’t want her to think you’re invoived, you make it clear that you’re not. You have two choices:

1. Stop spending time with them until her husband figures things out a bit more. This is a very healthy option — she’s the one he needs to work things out with, ultimately, not you. I think the most gracious thing you can do is tell your friend that you support him but that you’re going to step back because they clearly need the space to figure out the direction of their marriage alone.

2. Shift the dynamic of the hangouts, because under these circumstances they are quite awkward. Find something all four of you want to do, even if it’s just grabbing a drink, and invite your husband. This will shift the dynamic to 1. avoid awkwardness, and 2. make it less likely that she’ll think you’re involved in her husband’s decisions.

There’s no way you can continue “as is,” with the 3 person hangouts that only the 2 of you enjoy, allowing him to walk away from her to you, and not be seen as enjoying the drama or your role in their imploding marriage.

In general, if you’re together and they’re arguing, the only decent thing to do is politely excuse yoursel and leave.

 

Post # 96
Member
5862 posts
Bee Keeper

My SO and I have been together just under 4 years, so we have many friendships that have been around longer than we’ve known each other. If I don’t have a problem with his female friends it’s because of 2 things: #1. my SO *makes* me feel secure and special and loved and treats me respectfully, so I have no reason to be insecure. #2. SO’s female friends did not treat me like a tag-a-long or make me feel excluded with an overkill of inside jokes and ‘remember when…..’ stories when I came on the scene. They are friendly and went out of their way to get to know me and include me. You and your friend don’t seem to have done this with his wife, his behaviour not only makes her feel insecure but he uses you to punish her when he publicly (!) fights with her and then deliberately sidles up to the person who makes her feel uncomfortable and second best. And if you consider her a tag-a-long intruding on your friendship, then I’m pretty sure that sums up how welcoming and accepting you’ve been toward her place in his life.

Whether you can see this or not, you have treated this woman like a rival who came along and tried to usurp your place. Maybe you’ve been friends since grade 9, but friendships should grow and evolve and make room for the significant others who come on the scene.

Post # 97
Member
201 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

All I know: If I was the WIFE. YOU would be the BANE of my existance. 

My heart breaks for the WIFE. I seriously hope she gets away from you and your so called friend.  Because SHE DESERVES 100% BETTER!

 

  • This reply was modified 4 years, 6 months ago by  lavishlv.
Post # 98
Member
45 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: June 1995

Your friend sounds completely immature, to be quite honest. To run to anyone else when he and his wife are experiencing problems is childish, I don’t care if he’s just “venting” or not. Why is it that he can’t work out his problems with his wife – actually WITH his wife – without running to you or another buddy? 

I might be kinda on the old side (mid 40’s) in comparison but I don’t discuss any marital problems with my friends or family. In fact, we make a point of not doing it. 1) it’s almost inevitable the friend or family member won’t be unbiased. 2) long after the couple has gotten past whatever problem it is they shared, the friend or family member they shared with will still remember and may even hold it against the spouse they aren’t as close to. 3) ultimately, how much does it ever really solve? 

A long time ago I used to vent to my mom about my marriage and I definitely regret it now. No offense to my mom but for one, she never really did give me any earth shattering advice that helped much and 2) I know she resents my Darling Husband a tiny bit because of things from way back I should have never shared with her. She doesn’t show it to my Darling Husband but I know my mom well and I can tell. My mom loves him but mistakenly holds to the belief many of our previous problems were more him than me, despite my efforts to explain otherwise. Blood almost always is thicker than water. 

What it came down to was I was young, immature, stressed out easily, and had less than great coping skills. I, for sure, was not the greatest spouse during that time. I’m still ashamed to think back and realize just how much I ran to my “mommy” whenever shit got tough. 

Another point of view, I cannot stand my BFF’s husband. She and I have been friends since we were 10yo and we’re both in our 40’s now. Truth be told, I’m not sure either of us can actually say we’re still really the best of friends. She used to vent to me about her husband (a lot) to the point where I eventually could not stand him. I selfishly fig’d – and hoped – they would end up divorced and she’d find someone better but I’ve been proven wrong so far. I’ve been married over 20 years and they’ve been married almost 20 years, still going strong. In fact, from what I can tell their marriage is better than ever and they seem quite happy.

Because the husband fig’d out a long time ago that I didn’t like him, he doesn’t like me (I mostly can’t blame him either) and my friendship with his wife has slowly been edged out of the picture. He’s great with some of her newer friends who didn’t know them back in the day when their marriage was a disaster (per my friend’s description) but most of her long time friends have been pushed out of their lives….yep, all the friends she used to vent to, male or female. And you know, I can’t lay the blame for that at his feet because if she didn’t want it this way or otherwise wasn’t ok with it, she would not allow it to happen. My friend is no wimp nor easily pushed around by her Darling Husband either. 

And yes, my friend used to confide in us all the time she was “seriously considering divorce.” Just like your friend has done. If your friend’s marriage somehow improves or he otherwise has a change of heart about his wife, you may find yourself minus a friend. Or it’ll be so seriously scaled back you’ll rarely see or even hear from him. Not a given but a distinct possibility; that is, if they stay together. 

Frankly, I feel bad for your friend’s wife because it sounds as though she’s married to a man-child who can’t solve his own problems. He also sounds like an attention seeker who purposely vilifies his own wife in the process. If HE doesn’t change his ways hopefully she will file for divorce and find someone better. I doubt it’d take much. 

  • This reply was modified 4 years, 6 months ago by  BlueBreeze70.
Post # 99
Member
1542 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

I dont think you’re doing anything wrong.

However, i would tell my friend to pull his shit together and decide already and stop acting like that.

Just saying.

Post # 100
Member
258 posts
Helper bee

I feel sorry for the wife that she’s married to your friend.  He sounds pretty hopeless as a husband.

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