Friend confronted me about not asking her to be a bridesmaid… :(

posted 2 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 2
Member
3832 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: April 2017

Oh nooooo, who does that! I mean, I do understand being disappointed at not being asked if you feel you’re a close friend. And it does suck to realise that someone might have closer friends than you if you consider them your best friend. But you just suck it up and accept it and be happy to go to the wedding. All she has done is make the friendship extremely awkward 🙁

I’m sorry, I don’t really have any advice as I wouldn’t know what to do either. I would need a little space from her. I don’t think saying anything angry is a good idea. I know it isn’t fair to you but it just won’t help. 

Post # 3
Member
13 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: October 2019

Yeah that def wasn’t fair of her to put you in that position. I can understand why she could be upset if you are her number one best friend, but she should have gone about bringing it up completely differently. It almost sounds like she was trying to guilt you into changing your mind and including her, which is not something a friend should do. As your friend, she needs to accept that you made a difficult decision and respect it.

I would talk to her and explain how she made you feel while also acknowledging her hurt feelings. I wouldn’t back down on your decision, but if she’s a close friend, maybe try to make her feel included and needed in the planning on the wedding (centerpiece ideas, your dress, etc). I would be super angry also, but you don’t want to throw away a friendship that could be repaired.

Post # 4
Member
836 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2020

Aww, bee, that’s rough. 🙁 All I could think is that at least you know you made the right decision! She definitely does seem dramatic and would have added stress to your day. I would just give her time and confirm to her how important she is to you and that you still want her there on your special day. She will have time to adjust. So sorry bee! 

Post # 5
Member
4620 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2018

This is so hard.  As someone who was left disappointed (and even that’s too strong a word) at not being asked to be a very old friends bridesmaid (and to be honest that was mainly because no one knew one of the girls she chose, not even her now DH) I know how your friend feels.  But not cool to make it your problem.  You didn’t ask her, you don’t even need to justify it or apologise, and she should just take it on the chin and put her big girl panties on.  Of course it’s not personal!

So sorry you’re having to deal with this.  Try not to fall out and hope she gets over it.  But she feels how she feels and whilst it seems unreasonable to us she can’t control how she feels, only how she reacts.

FWIW I haven’t asked my girls yet but plan on only having family and there is at least one person who will expect to be asked.  Yes I have girlfriends I am closer to in many ways but I can’t be dealing with the if I ask A then I should ask B.

Post # 6
Member
562 posts
Busy bee

That was a really shitty thing of her to do. I can understand being hurt, but confronting you about being hurt? No. Just no. Does she really not see how badly this behaviour reflects on her?

Post # 7
Member
7594 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

Sounds like you made the right call…

Post # 8
Member
311 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2018

Personally, I wouldn’t bring it up with her again. Sounds like you’ll end up having the same conversation , plus if you give her your “reasons”, she may try to convince you that they’re unfounded and you’ll be in the awkward position of telling her no to her face. I say let it slide and give her time to realize how embarrassing this outburst was for her, and if she brings it up again, it better be in the form of an apology for putting you in such an awkward situation. 

Post # 9
Member
5783 posts
Bee Keeper

View original reply
ladyartichoke :  “Of course it’s not personal!”

Except that it WAS personal. OP clearly stated she didn’t ask her friend because she didn’t want her friend’s anxiety to stress her out.  

OP told her friend on several occasions she was just going to go with her two sisters. Then the friend finds out afterward (likely not from OP as OP says the friend ‘heard’ rather than ‘I told my friend’) that other friends have been asked but not her. Can’t blame the friend for feeling blindsided and hurt by this. She was deliberately excluded, even if OP won’t tell her why. 

Admittedly I do think crying for over an hour and feeling heartbroken is an over-reaction, but I still think the friend should have told OP how she felt. I know popular opinion is that you’re not entitled to be in the wedding party/ shouldn’t ask- BUT, even though a person isn’t automatically entitled to be in a wedding party, I also don’t think it’s good for friends/ family not to be open about how they’re feeling. So if this friend is surprised and hurt at not being asked, she should be able to voice this rather than have it be the elephant in the room (which would impact their friendship just as much).

OP you chose to not only deliberately exclude your friend, you choose to leave her wondering why you didn’t consider her to be as close as three other friends. And yes, this is your call. But you can’t expect her not to be hurt by your actions. At the end of the day, you chose to hurt a dear friend because she interferes with your vision of your wedding day. She’s the Michonne to your Andrea here and IMO you’ve risked a loving friend for the sake of the ‘perfect wedding’ you’re envisioning. For all you know, the importance she obviously places on your friendship could have made her a terrific Bridesmaid or Best Man. And having anxieties herself, knowing what it’s like, she may  have been the first one to step up empathetically if you were nervous yourself. 

Post # 10
Member
1386 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2017

View original reply
RobbieAndJuliahaha :  I agree (love the Andrea & Michonne ref!). It really hurts to be exclued from a bridal party, and it does make you think differently about your relationship with the bride. It’s a feeling of, oh, well, I guess I thought we were closer than we actually are. It sucks. I personally wouldn’t have told the bride, or if I felt like I needed to to clear the air I would have done it in a better manner than being a weepy mess.

I don’t get why you didn’t pick her, OP. You call her a “close friend” and the only reason you gave was that she might would have worried you on your wedding. I don’t think that’s the best reason to exclude a closer friend. I understand totally why she is hurt.

Post # 11
Member
603 posts
Busy bee

View original reply
gracecarroll89 :  I empathize a great deal with your friend.  Put yourself in her position for one minute, she was just excluded from her “best friend’s” bridal party.  That would really hurt, a lot.  You acknowledge here that she is one of your close friends and it doesn’t sound like you are suprised that she feels this way, but surprised that she confronted you about it.

So either there is a disconnect in her perception of your friendship, in which case she addressed that with you.  Or you chose less close friends to be in your bridal party.  Only you know the answer to that.  Either way, you don’t have the right to be angry at her.  Part of being friends with someone is addressing when your actions migh have caused their feelings to be hurt, not getting angry at them for having feelings. You are entitled to choose whomever you want for your bridal party, but you are also entitled to the consequences of your choices.

Post # 12
Member
5783 posts
Bee Keeper

View original reply
bee123456789 :  
View original reply
ctbxbee :  Both of these answers +1

and I was hoping someone would get what I meant re Michonne and Andrea smile

Post # 13
Member
1614 posts
Bumble bee

I mean the problem with wedding parties that aren’t family only is it’s a public announcement of who your closest friends are, and that sort of thing is generally best left unsaid because people don’t have perfect symmetry in friendships. This sort of thing is inevitable to happen to some proportion of brides. Sounds like she would have made you a maid of honor, in which case not even being in yours at all really stings. 

 

Post # 14
Member
2992 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2008

I totally see both sides of this. I had three best friends and was shocked that one of them asked less close friends to be in her bridal party. It really hurt and it made me question our friendship. I found out through the extremely frustrated Maid/Matron of Honor that this was because she wanted her bridal party to “look” a certain way and I had a pixie cut (and she knew I’d tell her to go fuck herself if she asked me to grow it out or wear a wig to fit her vision). It was so shallow of her that it did affect my perception of her. I feel like your reason is similar to hers, like you’d rather have less close neurotypical friends in your Bridal Party because your friend’s illness doesn’t fit your vision.

At the same time, it’s highly inappropriate to confront even your best friend on her Bridal Party choices. The correct response is to swallow your feelings (and about a gallon of ice cream while watching Parks and Recreation and shouting “I thought you were the Leslie to my Ann!” at the screen), then being supportive and attending the wedding as a guest. To pitch a fit like that is immature and selfish. I would ask her what she was hoping to accomplish by telling you all this so I could figure out how to proceed. 

 

Post # 15
Member
2060 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2017

I definitely understand why she was so upset. I probably would have waited to talk to you about it without crying so I could clearly express my sentiments about it. None of my best friends have gotten married yet I was first but I will definitely tell you tjat if either of them (there’s 2) didn’t have me in their wedding I would be hurt. I had a small ceremony and they were the only 2 friends invited. That’s how close they are. They even helped DH plan my engagement and set up the photographer even tho it didn’t go as planned, DH knew how important they were to me so he chose to include them. So basically I’d definitely be hurt by either of them not having me in their wedding. One of them has been my friend for 12 years and the other 10 years. 

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