(Closed) Friend confronted me about not asking her to be a bridesmaid… :(

posted 4 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 47
Member
2722 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2017

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gracecarroll89 :  I wanted to tell my friend that I was hurt and that I thought we were better friends than I assumed we were.  Like you, she talked about bridesmaid things in front of me and my other roomates.  The thing is, you’re not obligated to talk about the details of your wedding with anyone, even if they ask.  I know it’s water under the bridge, but what you (and my roomate) should have done if someone asked was to be vague and say you and your Fiance are still finalizing the bridal party.  No further explanation is needed. 

In my case, I doubt my roomate would have told me that the reason she didn’t want me as a bridesmaid was because of my height.  I did go to her bachelorette because my other roomates begged me to, and I will tell you, it was really, really awkward.  It was so obvious to all the other friends that I was the *one* roomate that was not asked to be a bridesmaid.  I did my best to put on a brave face, and granted I was a lot younger than I am now and was never in that position before, but all I could think about that night was how I was slighted (in my mind).  I find it strange that you’re still “mad” at her.  I guess I don’t completely understand your point of view.

Post # 48
Member
3587 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2017

I do understand why OP feels angry. I used to have a friend who did this kind of thing sometimes and  it’s just… a lot of unprocessed emotion to unleash on someone with no warning. Maybe angry isn’t the right word but it’s something. It sounds like OP’s friend often unleashes anxious thoughts onto her as well, and it can just get too much. 

Anyway, I don’t think OP is considering reacting angrily now. I like the card or note idea. Just something to try to reassure your friend that you do love her and try to get the relationship back on better ground. It really must be awful for her to find out you’re not as close to her as she thought, so the friendship may change a bit now as she considers that, but hopefully you can still be good friends. 

Post # 49
Member
1249 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2018 - Banquet Hall/Conference Center

I think honestly this is more about the imbalance of your friendship and coming to terms with that than about the bridesmaids issue. As someone currently realizing that my best friend of nearly 10 years doesn’t think of me as her best friend, I can tell you that the heartache and depression that realizaiton brings sits in your stomach, brain and heart for months and months. It hurts a lot. It’s unfortunate that the only real solution to this is that the “victim” has to suck it up and become stronger and mentally tougher.

Post # 50
Member
1249 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2018 - Banquet Hall/Conference Center

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sunnierdaysahead2 :  I think being vague is the new PC thing to do, although I’d rather someone be upfront with me (in a nice way) so I’m not left coming up with stories in my head. My friend is like this, totally vague about everything even though she knows the answer in her head (“So where are you going for your honeymoon?” “Still deciding”. “Um it’s next month….shouldn’t you have booked tickets by now?” “Shrug, we’ll see”) and it irks me so badly but ultimately I know that she’s a private person in general so I’m trying to be more understanding but it’s really hard when you’re someone that opens up about everything to strangers on the internet yet you are best friends with someone who is the opposite and prefers not to communicate.

Post # 51
Member
13919 posts
Honey Beekeeper

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gracecarroll89 :  

“I could only pick a few because, basically, my fiance doesn’t have any friends. It’s a really sensitive issue for him and us. I don’t want to make the issue worse by having a ton of BMs, even though there are many ladies I would have wanted to ask. He managed to pull together 4 GMs, and we agreed our numbers could be uneven by maybe 1, but not more. I kept my group small to be kind to my fiance.

So yes, I screwed up by talking about BMs in front of my friend.  I’m just trying figure out what to do now.”

So this was about relative symmetry. Not only don’t you need to have equal sides, if the relationships suggest otherwise, it would be inappropriate.  To exclude someone who you consider a dear friend, who otherwise would have been asked, based on numbers alone, is superficial and wrong. It’s quality of the relationships that count, not quantity. I’ve been to many, many weddings that were off by more than one. Nobody blinked an eye. 

If this woman is really not an intimate friend, I’d give very different advice, but from everything you say about her, she is. She may be insulted and refuse at this point, but I’d tell her you regret the way you handled this and ask her to be a Bridesmaid or Best Man. As for your Fiance, I’d tell him that this is important to you. It would be out of line for him to ask or expect you to eliminate a friend because of his insecurities. 

But if you wouldn’t have asked her regardless, I’d apologize for the clumsy handling, assure her that you value her friendship, then let the chips fall where they may. 

Post # 52
Member
1249 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2018 - Banquet Hall/Conference Center

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weddingmaven :  I don’t know…what if the situation was reversed? What if you were going through a lonely patch of life and didn’t really have friends and saw that your fiance had all these awesome people who were excited to watch him get married and take part in all the festivities and traditions? Wouldn’t that sting? Wouldn’t you want him to try and show some solidarity/support by toning it down a little? My FI’s Groomsmen are way more excited for this wedding than my BMs are. They’re even planning a bachelor trip all the way to Iceland. ICELAND. I know it’s bad to be jealous, but it hurts soemtimes especially since he didn’t even want a bridal party to begin with at first and was only doing it because I felt it was a nice tradition.

It doesn’t sound like OP was playing the even numbers game and was off by 1 or 2. It sounds like it was going to be 6 BMs and 0 Groomsmen originally. So her Fiance cobbled together some people and she decreased her number and came to a compromise. Don’t see anything wrong with that logic. To me it shows how they work together as a couple.

Post # 53
Member
13919 posts
Honey Beekeeper

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akshali2000 :  Nope. I might feel that way privately, but I’d never dictate my partner’s wedding party. Besides, it’s not like this is 5-0. 

Post # 54
Member
1249 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2018 - Banquet Hall/Conference Center

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weddingmaven :  Sorry, I was editing my post to include this next part but it’s still relevant to your reply so I will post the last part here again. It doesn’t sound like OP was playing the even numbers game and was off by 1 or 2. It sounds like it was going to be 6 BMs and 0 Groomsmen originally. So her Fiance cobbled together some people and she decreased her number and came to a compromise. Don’t see anything wrong with that logic. To me it shows how they work together as a couple.

Post # 55
Member
13919 posts
Honey Beekeeper

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akshali2000 :  The bottom line is OP’s Fiance has 4 groomsman, and she doesn’t want to rock the boat by having 6. That is absurd. If this was really such an issue, I’d have no bridal party at all or just siblings, the way OP originally considered doing. What I wouldn’t do is exclude one close friend on the basis of an uneven party. 

Post # 56
Member
3587 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2017

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akshali2000 :  Yes, if this is all stemming from a relationship imbalance OP wasn’t aware of, there’s really no-one to blame on either side. It’s just a sad thing that has come to light and devastated the friend. I guess it really threw her for a loop especially as she has been open with you about her depression and anxiety and she suddenly realises the relationship isn’t as iron-clad as she thought. All there is to do is try to show her she is still valued. Ultimately I think it will be up to the friend as to whether she wants to pull back on her side or continue as before. 

 

Post # 57
Member
233 posts
Helper bee

I don’t know, I agree with everyone re: compassion, but I think it’s more along the lines of what PP said about how this is more of an imbalance in the friendship than anything else. I’m giving OP the benefit of the doubt here in believing that she wasn’t ever planning on asking this friend to be a Bridesmaid or Best Man and didn’t expect her to be upset about it. It just sounds like the friend thought they were closer than they were, and that isn’t necessarily OP’s fault. Yes, the wedding discussions could have been handled more sensitively, but the bottom line is that OP picked her wedding party based on how close she is to the girls, and that’s what you’re supposed to do.

Post # 58
Member
616 posts
Busy bee

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carrollbee89 :  If two people are sharing freely about their respective struggles with depression and anxiety it’s absolutely an intimate friendship.  Hell, that’s more emotional vulnerability than some people have with anyone other than their partner and therapist.

I see why your friend was hurt and your follow up responses seem like desperate back pedaling.  You wanted your fun friends not your anxious friend in your wedding party.  You are angry and feign shocks when this hurts your close friend already struggling with mental health issues.  You should be angry and disappointed with yourself not your friend.  She may not accept your apology, but she is certainly owed one. 

Post # 59
Member
3046 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2017

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carrollbee89 :  I feel bad for her. How painful. She now knows where she “ranks”/ stands with you. No card or further convo will ever fix that!   Win for you though  as you will no longer be botheredby her anxiety, or being her “best friend”.  Maybe this will motivate her to make better/new friends. Friends who will regard her as highly as she regards them. …

Post # 60
Member
61 posts
Worker bee

Did you actually give her a reason? You tell us that she is too anxious, you are closer to others, and that you would rather have things look balanced with your fiance’s groomen. I’m guessing speaking up was hard for her, and she expected an answer. I hope you gave it to her. If you didn’t, it says a lot about the friendship.  

Also, in reference to PP comment: my husband has depression and I would drop a friend in a hot minute if they left him out because of his depression. I hope you can see that it is kind of gross to exclude your friend for something she can’t control. 

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