Friend confronted me about not asking her to be a bridesmaid… :(

posted 2 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 61
Member
40 posts
Newbee

I had something VERY similar happen to me, except this “friend” of mine proceeded to tweet about me when she knew I could see it, and then told me that she doesn’t even know if she wants to come to my wedding any more. I think all you can really do is communicate to her that you still want her there and she is still an important part of your life, and give her space. Also stand your ground! It was inappropriate of her to try and guilt trip you about your decision (imo), and being a bridesmaid isn’t the end all be all of friendship… Good luck with everything, bee. I hope she comes around!

Post # 62
Member
1221 posts
Bumble bee

akshali2000 :  +100 . Yup. this. well said.

This isn’t about being a bridesmaid, at all. It’ about the realization that she felt closer to you than you did to her. The realization that there’s an imbalance here is hurtful. I am also betting that she might not share her struggles with anxiety with just anyone. Since you were both open with one another about your individual struggles with anxiety/ depression, she probably really does think of you as a very close friend. there’s a trust and intimacy there when you share personal things with someone.

I had a something similar happen to me. It wasn’t wedding related, but the incident spoke volumes. I was close to a friend for 15 yrs, longer than I had been friends with anyone. When it was clear to me that our friendship wasn’t reciprocal… I had a very hard time with that. I COULD have chosen to carry on and remain friends on some level…. but to me, why bother? I don’t need to discuss ‘surface level shit’ with her- when I thought that our relationship was somehow deeper and more meaningful. I told her stuff I would have never dreamed of telling others. To find out that she would not step up as a friend and help me after all those years? (my issues, certainly, not related to yours at all)…. To me, it was a real slap in the face. I don’t have any contact with her anymore . 

This may come across as childish or whatever, but I was DONE with that relationship and I’m sure there’s no patching it up. I don’t think you need to re hash this with your friend if you dont’ want to… but I also think you need to give her some space and let her decide if she wants to remain friends at all. I am sure going to your bachelorette/ shower, etc would be difficult for her. She may not want to go…. so I am hoping that you will be gracious if she declines.

Post # 63
Member
5883 posts
Bee Keeper

happilyinlove98 :  Absolutely agree, compassion first. 

litttlemisslamb :   “You wanted your fun friends not your anxious friend in your wedding party.  You are angry and feign shocks when this hurts your close friend already struggling with mental health issues.  You should be angry and disappointed with yourself not your friend” 

1000 x this

lynniestar :  “my husband has depression and I would drop a friend in a hot minute if they left him out because of his depression.”  This too- excluding someone based on anxiety or depression is so cold hearted and shallow. 

weddingmaven :  I think the number of people on each side of the wedding party is simply another red herring OP’s trying to toss out because she realizes how badly her original, truthful reason for leaving her friend out makes her look. So it’s gone from “I don’t want my friend with anxiety issues in the wedding party” to “well other friends are closer to me!” and now on to “I had to leave out my friend for the sake of my poor friendless fiance!” undecided 

This argument of hers doesn’t even make sense- because originally she was going to just ask her sisters- so her fiance would only have had to ‘struggle’ to come up with 2 people. Yet he ‘managed’ to put 4 together- why would he do this if OP is so concerned with balanced numbers and she only had 2? Sounds to me like OP already asked 3 friends and had 5 THEN her fiance scrambled to come up with 4 (which refutes her latest claim of her numbers being based on consideration for her FI)….but even if he came up with 4 first, why would she add 3, not 2 herself if she’s not hesitant to exclude someone based on numbers? And if she had to ask extra people in order to more closely match her fiance’s numbers, this doesn’t jive with him struggling to come up with his side if he had the bigger number first. 

 

Post # 64
Member
12217 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

RobbieAndJuliahaha :   I figured it was Fiance who struggled to come up with four groomsmen after OP decided she really wanted her three friends to be Bridesmaid or Best Man as well. I don’t doubt she wanted the friends, as self conscious as she was for how that in turn put pressure on Fiance. I don’t think those two excuses, the friend’s anxiety and the numbers were necessarily mutually exclusive. 

Post # 65
Member
88 posts
Worker bee

I feel really bad for your friend. She is clearly very hurt. You should have been honest up front that you were having friends as well as family for your bridesmaids.  I also think you saying you didn’t have her becasue  you were worried she would make you anxious on your wedding day is just absurd and kind of bridezilla of you. Especially when you are also saying she is a really good friend of yours.

 

Post # 66
Member
88 posts
Worker bee

carrollbee89 :  Why does a bridal party have to match up exactly with groomsman and bridesmaids. it is about having who is important to you.  If he has 3, and you have 9, who cares? 

Post # 67
Member
3884 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: April 2017

The hive is so inconsistent. It’s always ‘ask the girls YOU are closest to’ but now people are judging OP for doing just that. Yes this girl was a close friend, but the other girls were closer. That’s the whole point. OP also mentioned another 5 girls she is close to but if she asked them all she’d have like 11 bridesmaids. 

I feel the anxiety issue has been twisted too. OP said:

“I’ve struggled with how her incessant anxious thoughts and feelings rub off on me. I don’t know how to be her friend and give her the support she needs without it negatively affecting my own mental health.” 

That’s not good. It sounds like the friend has been using OP as her anxiety sounding-board. I have anxiety too and I understand and feel for the friend, I really do, but I can definitely see how that could make OP back off from the friendship. It’s not fair to use a friend as your therapist. 

Post # 68
Member
1056 posts
Bumble bee

carrollbee89 :  After reading all your updates.

Your friend didn’t cry for an hour because she was not asked to be in your bridal party. She is crying because you rejected her.

You told her with your actions how little she means to you.

Whether it’s platonic love or romantic love, when you find out a person you care for doesn’t care for you in the same measure, it can be devastating. 

She asked you WHY you didn’t choose her.

It’s not being a bridesmaid that matters to her. It’s being chosen BY YOU. You picked a group of your “closest” friends and you deliberately left her out of that group. So yeah she’s heart broken. 

Since you asked for advice? Apologize and let her go. Let  her go find better friends. Don’t keep her on the line to assuage your own ego.

Post # 69
Member
509 posts
Busy bee

weddingmaven :  “It would be out of line for him to ask or expect you to eliminate a friend because of his insecurities.”

I have to disagree here. I didn’t read where OP’s FH directly asked her to omit anyone; it read to me as though they agreed to a Bridal Party number (much like they set a budget for the wedding), then chose their Bridal Party based on that. If OP alters her bridal party now to include the ‘friend’, she is putting her FH’s feelings aside in favor of the friend’s ‘insecurities’ – and that doesn’t feel right IMO, in fact, that seems far more wrong.

I also don’t take OP’s further explanations for her choices as any sort of backpedaling. She didn’t include EVERY detail in her initial post (I’m assuming) because it wasn’t about her other friends she did choose and why; her initial post was about this friend, and her reaction to not being chosen. There were obviously FAR more reasons why OP’s bridal party comprises who it does besides the omission of this one friend with anxiety – that doesn’t make OP disingenuous or insensitive, IMO. Being in a Bridal Party or even invited to a wedding is an honor; <u>not</u> a right (unless that ‘someone’ is footing the bill).

I’m not advocating anyone being intentionally insensitive to another person – regardless of what their ‘issues’ may/may not be. Call me a hardass (I know I am), but just because someone has anxiety or some other ‘issue’ does not entitle them to an explanation so long as that decision does not directly impact them. And I don’t see OP’s decision as directly impacting the friend; rather, the friend’s assumption is what impacted her, and that did not warrant the guilt grenade she tossed at OP. Both parties could have handled themselves far differently here; one (OP) acknowledges that, and hopefully her friend will as well. 

Post # 70
Member
509 posts
Busy bee

weddingmaven :  “It would be out of line for him to ask or expect you to eliminate a friend because of his insecurities.”

I have to disagree here. I didn’t read where OP’s FH directly asked her to omit anyone; it read to me as though they agreed to a Bridal Party number (much like they set a budget for the wedding), then chose their Bridal Party based on that. If OP alters her bridal party now to include the ‘friend’, she is putting her FH’s feelings aside in favor of the friend’s ‘insecurities’ – and that doesn’t feel right IMO, in fact, that seems far more wrong.

I also don’t take OP’s further explanations for her choices as any sort of backpedaling. She didn’t include EVERY detail in her initial post (I’m assuming) because it wasn’t about her other friends she did choose and why; her initial post was about this friend, and her reaction to not being chosen. There were obviously FAR more reasons why OP’s bridal party comprises who it does besides the omission of this one friend with anxiety – that doesn’t make OP disingenuous or insensitive, IMO. Being in a Bridal Party or even invited to a wedding is an honor; not a right (unless that ‘someone’ is footing the bill), even to those who struggle with any sort of ‘disability’. 

I’m not advocating anyone being intentionally insensitive to another person – regardless of what their ‘issues’ may/may not be. Call me a hardass (I know I am), but just because someone has anxiety or some other ‘issue’ does not entitle them to an explanation/invite/special honor so long as that decision does not directly impact them. And I don’t see OP’s decision as directly impacting the friend; rather, the friend’s assumption is what impacted her, and that did not warrant the guilt grenade she tossed at OP. Both parties could have handled themselves far differently here; one (OP) acknowledges that, and hopefully her friend will as well.

Post # 70
Hostess
1714 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

Maybe OP should’ve talked to her but it was her friend’s original assumption in the first place? That had nothing to do with OP.

TheMotherThing :  THIS RIGHT HERE.

I suffer from Generalized Anxiety Disorder. That doesn’t entitle me to run around calling people out for not asking me to be in their wedding now does it? OP deserved way better than what her friend did.

I personally had the guilt grenade tossed at me over someone not getting picked to me in my bridal party (which pissed me off to no end) and all I saw was the disrespect. 

OP – your friend’s concerns have nothing to do with you if you never told her you were going to put her in your bridal party. Even if you could’ve handled yourself different she shouldn’t have done that to you, it wasn’t fair.

Post # 71
Member
509 posts
Busy bee

 

nonablu :  “It sounds like the friend has been using OP as her anxiety sounding-board. … I can definitely see how that could make OP back off from the friendship. It’s not fair to use a friend as your therapist.”

I agree x1000. And I can totally understand not wanting to potentially have to deal with that ON your wedding day. I have had friends who have used me as a never-ending dumping ground for a plethora of issues that should and would have been better shared with a therapist. To some degree, “that’s what friends are for.” But after while/when it becomes never-ending, it does get exhausting and I’ve let those friendships go for my own sanity as a result. We ALL have burdens, issues, things going on, limitations, life to manage through, and we depend on our friends at times to navigate it all, but healthy friendships require mutual respect by ALL parties; not just those who may have ‘less to contend with’ than others.

 

And reading the follow-up replies, the amount of judgment and assumptions launched at OP for her supposed “insensitivity” toward the friend’s anxiety is really uncalled for. It’s not like she excluded the friend entirely from attending the wedding, or sat her at the kids table. And OP’s feelings and preferences for her day are valid and deserve respect as well whether anyone else agrees with them or not. It doesn’t make OP a bad/poor friend to not include her in the BP; she has other friends who she feels closer to, and she seems to prioritize respecting her FH’s feelings. Who doesn’t have different ‘levels of closeness’ in their social circles? If OP was writing that her FH was prioritizing HIS friends over her, bees would be all over him for not making his FW numero uno and encouraging her to rethink her marriage. Lastly, it’s not OP’s fault that her friend viewed the friendship differently … unless OP gave her a reason to, but I haven’t gathered that was the case here.

We ALL have ‘limitations’ we contend with in life, be them financial, physical, mental, whatever. Should OP proactively explain to however many other guests she has at her wedding why she didn’t choose them to be in her Bridal Party as well? Does my best friend who has a larger engagement ring owe me an explanation for why it’s not smaller like mine? Where does this explanation entitlement end? For me, it’s “who is footing the bill?” and that goes for my family as well as my friends, and they know it. If you’re not paying for something but you assume you have a say/role, that’s a “you problem”. 

Post # 72
Member
12217 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

TheMotherThing :  Sure, there might be details OP is leaving out or expressing poorly by bringing these other justifications into it. I have said as much by suggesting my advice would be very different if this was strictly about the closeness of the relationships and by giving that alternate advice.

But that is not the sense I’m getting. Otherwise why even mention she “couldn’t” have the additional BM? And if you read my original posts on this thread you’d see that my main issue was how OP IMO misled her friend into believing she’d be in the party if any of her friends were. 

Actually, the proper way by etiquette to plan a wedding is to determine the guest list of the people who deserve to be there first, and then plan the wedding you can afford within  budget. When cut offs must be made, the least hurtful way to do it is consistently by categories. For example immediate family only, or cousins but not second cousins.

Post # 73
Member
509 posts
Busy bee

weddingmaven :  Misleading the friend would be OP saying “I want you to/will you be a bridesmaid” and then OP not asking her or rescinding the invitation. I didn’t read that to have occurred. She stated (in early convos with the friend) that she was having family-only in her Bridal Party, and later changed her mind after (I assume) she and her FH reached a consensus on the Bridal Party situation and his feelings about that. She doesn’t have a responsibility to run all of her wedding-related decisions by a panel for pre-approval, especially when that ‘panel’ is NOT paying, family or Bridal Party. 

I’m not sure what guest list etiquette has to do with this situation? Who is in a bridal party is a personal choice left to the bride & groom based on who they want standing by them without regard to any categorization. And there was no “cut off” to the invited bridal party – the friend was never asked to be a bridesmaid; she assumed she would be one. The polite thing for the friend to do would have been to accept/decline whatever actual invitation she received – be it as a bridesmaid or a guest. 

Post # 74
Member
555 posts
Busy bee

So much sympathy for the friend with an anxiety disorder and yet the Bee’s will pile on OP and call her insenstive, when she herself had an anxiety disorder. Way to go. 

I think you made the best choice for you, OP and it does sound like you might have been holding her hand through this chaotic process. I would let her calm down and just be a good a friend as you were before. I would strive to be a little kinder and drop any hard feelings you have.

Personally, I think the whole wedding party tradition should be left in the past with the reasons it started. It’s a hurtful popularity contest, it makes people rank their friends and then rank them again (MOH/BM). Signifying a stilted friendship to those not asked. Not to mention how people feel when they don’t have friends TO ask! It’s a cynical way to view “friendships” in your life. You’d still have them there at the event, watching, with all the other loved ones that didn’t make the grade. (Not directed at you OP, but this “tradition” bugs me.)

 

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