Friend confronted me about not asking her to be a bridesmaid… :(

posted 2 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 75
Member
697 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

I think it was extremely bitchy of you not to ask her, and even more bitchy to be pissed off that she’s hurt by it. She may have put you in an awkward position, but she has that right.

Post # 76
Member
12214 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

TheMotherThing :   I totally agree that the  OP does not have the responsibility to run wedding related decisions past her friend. I’m actually saying the exact opppsite. Don’t talk about your wedding and all the angst at having to leave out dear friends in favor of family. Don’t talk about it at all, especially to someone who would inevitably conclude she must be in that group if you would intentionally bring it up to her.

Think about it. Let’s assume, as implied, that OP would have asked her if she had even one more “spot.” How rude is it to tell your fourth best friend how pained you are at the thought you might have to leave out your first, second, and third best friends from the wedding party? That’s just so hurtful.

You compared making a bridal party list to making a budget for a wedding. My point was that just as budget is supposed to be set, THEN you properly plan the party you can afford for a guest list of those who deserve to be there, similarly you choose a bridal party based on closeness of relationship, not evenness of sides etc. 

Post # 77
Member
509 posts
Busy bee

weddingmaven :  I think we largely agree here that OP could/should have better managed those convos re: wedding planning, and I believe she also said ‘lesson learned’. I don’t object with that portion of your comments; rather, the slight you seemed to cast on her FH for his ‘insecurities’ by suggesting OP cater to her friend’s insecurities and include her anyway in the Bridal Party. My point about the budget was that it’s a decision the couple make, as is who is in the Bridal Party. They shouldn’t have to clear either with anyone who isn’t contributing financially toward the wedding. 

I think OP has been beat up enough on this topic, and she seems to understand where perhaps she fell short. She can’t undo what was done, but I don’t think she should change her Bridal Party to appease the friend, either. Her friend also needs to own her portion of the cause for her own hurt feelings by making the assumption in the first place. Allowing the friend to place blame for her hurt feelings on others (when largely self-induced, IMO) does her NO favors. 

 

Wedding planning can suck the life and senses out of people. My FH and I are getting married in 3 days. We originally tried to plan a small wedding locally with close friends and family only (30 total people max), and even THAT was enough to drive me bonkers trying to appease everyone’s schedule, sensitivities, location, constraints, unsolicited opinions, etc. that it quickly became about everyone & everything else BUT us. I’m so glad we put the kabosh on that mess and decided to elope – just us & simple … no kids, family or friends. And if someone later voices their displeasure, my go-to response will be: “I’m sorry you feel that way; it was our wedding & our wallet, so we did it our way.” 😎

Post # 78
Member
2086 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

Wow. So now the OP is a backpedeling “bitch” (as someone put it) for not asking this friend and is just basically a bad person who has no compassion and is just trying to execute her tyrannical wedding vision, everyone else be damned. People really like to assume the worst of the worst because, frankly, it’s more fun and satisfying to dump on someone instead of practicing the compassion that the OP is accused of lacking.

I totally agree that talking about picking bridesmaids with a friend who you are not ultimately going to ask is a mistake. I can see why feelings would be hurt and she should not have mentioned bridesmaids and implied that no friends beyond her sisters would be included.

However, not wanting to have more BMs than her FI’s GMs is not ridiculous or cruel, it’s a kindness that is commendable. I would do absolutely the same for my Fiance if that were the case. I’m not saying that in regular life I would pretend to have fewer friends, invite fewer friends over, etc., etc. However, in this very particularand one-time  situation maybe it’s OK not to overtly showcase to all our guests a slew of friends standing on my side while my Fiance has only a few to stand up for him. Maybe that’s not a cynical “vision” intended to hurt and humiliate, but something you do for your partner because you love him.

The OP doesn’t sound like a witch, but a nice person who made a mistake. I think she should apologize to her friend, take her out for a nice dinner and tell her that her friendship is important to her. Hopefully they can both move on from there.

Post # 80
Member
12214 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

TheMotherThing :  Congratulations on your upcoming wedding! That’s very exciting. 

I don’t at all believe OP should cater to someone’s emotional insecurities, whether her FI’s if this friend truly belonged in the party, or the friend’s if she truly did not. I also don’t think she needs permission to clear her choice of BMs.

Normally, I agree this friend should not have assumed. In this case, because of the nature of the prior conversation I think the assumption was an entirely fair one. Of course the friend was out of line to have overreacted. The point is in leading her on, OP brought at least some of that on herself.

Again, she shouldn’t add to her bridal party just because a friend is upset she is not part of it. She should reconsider asking if the real reason for the exclusion was due to uneven numbers. Which seems, by OP’s own admission, to be a major part of this.

Post # 81
Member
8442 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

carrollbee89 :  

Well OP, whatever happens in  the end, no one can say we haven’t given your problem serious thought!   

Post # 82
Member
3884 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: April 2017

I don’t understand the vitriol here. OP never told the friend she would be a Bridesmaid or Best Man or even suggested it – maybe the friend thought it had been implied but it was by no means cut and dried. 

And OP has closer friends to ask. That sucks for this friend, but it’s just how it is. Just one of the tricky things in life. If OP had written in asking if she should include a friend she wasn’t as close to as others ya’ll have said no.

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