Post # 1
Hi ladies, I need your help. I found out recently my friend and BM is dating a guy who has a long-term girlfriend. She knows this, hopes he will leave his gf, but says so herself she does not think he will leave. She likes his attention, says she has never had a connection like this with anyone else, but this is someone she’s cried over.
Hoiw do I be a good friend to her without wanting to shake her to her senses, be judgmental, or hate the guy (if he does end up braking things off with his current girlfriend). Do I ignore? Be happy for her?
Post # 3
If it were me, I’d flat out tell her she was being dumb. Dating a man with a girlfriend is wrong — especially to the other woman. She has become that woman, and I’d make her realize this.
He isn’t going to leave his girlfriend for her. She’s already seen it.
Truthfully, a good friend is going to tell you the truth when you don’t want to hear it, and will be there to catch you when the inevitable fall happens. I wouldn’t be happy for her, it’s giving her the wrong idea and sending the message that this behavior is okay.
Post # 4
I’m with @Hyperventilate I’d tell her flat out she’s being dumb.
I mean how would she feel if the situation is reversed? Horrible I’d imagine. If he was going to leave his gf for her he would have done it already…he isn’t going to leave. If you get sick of hearing her cry over the situation that she has put herself in then I’d tell her you don’t want to hear it, it’s tough love and many might think it’s harsh but I had to do that to a former friend who was messing around with an engaged man, I was sick to death of hearing her cry over this loser who was never going to leave his FI and was a scumbag cheater. I finally told her I didn’t want to hear it anymore and that she was doing this to herself, she finally stopped telling me about him (all our friends got sick of hearing her cry about it and followed me in doing this) and she finally broke it off with him after I believe she wasn’t getting the attention from our group of friends that she wanted.
Post # 5
She can never be happy with this guy. After a while she will be sick of competing with another girl and want him to choose. Once a cheater always a cheater. What if they do end up together and he doe the same thing to her? At the same time she is an adult. I would put in my two cents and leave it at that. Being a good friend sometimes means letting things take their course and being there to clean up the pieces. ( And by trying not to say i told you so)
Post # 6
I totally agree with you ladies. I already told her it was not a good idea and the guy is a cheater. But I don’t want to push her away or ruin our friendship. I guess that is what I’m worried about. I’ve told her what I’ve thought already, should I just pretend the guy doesn’t exist when we hang out? Every time I do see her, I just want to ask her why she continues to date this douchebag, but I’m not her mom and it is her life right?
Post # 7
@AbbeyMars: yeah, I’m afraid I just need to let her figure things out on her own even if she gets her heart broken. I especially don’t want to come across as overly judgemental. It’s hard to sit back and watch her go through all this.
Post # 8
Tell her you love her and want the best for her. You disapprove of her actions but you’ll continue to be there for her. When she falls, catch her and don’t ever pull an “I told you so.”
I’d act like he didn’t exist when you two are together. Don’t ask about it. Don’t bring it up. If she brings it up, address any issue you need to (“He left me.” or “He’s making me feel sad/lead on/etc”) but otherwise avoid the topic.
Post # 9
@faeriekiss: I didnt read any PP’s.
A friend of mine is sleeping with a married guy(she does not want/ relationship from him), previous to her, he has cheated on his wife with other women. He has no children with his wife (or anyone else) Obviously I don’t agree with whats going on, but in reality, its none of my business. My friend knows how I feel about it and she gets that I don’t agree with it and could never do what shes doing.
Aside from making it known that I don’t agree with what shes doing. Theres not much else I can do. Its her life and, its not my problem. Let your friend do what she wants, regardless what you tell her to do/recommend that she does shes going to do what she wants to do.
She’s a big girl, and I’m sure she’ll get a dose of reality at some point regarding this issue.
Post # 10
Like other PP’s have said, tell her she’s not being very smart. If he’s cheating on his long time gf with her, what makes her think he will A) leave his gf for her, and B) stay faithful to her.? Sometimes I hate how naieve some women can be regarding this situation.
If oyu have said your peace to her, I’d just drop it bc i think this is something she has to figure out on her own. Plus it would be like talking to a brick wall. If I know anything about people, is that we do what we really want regardless of what others tell us most of the time.
She obviously doesn’t care about this other womans feelings at all.I just wish that women who willingly get into a relationship with a man who has a gf , would really place her self in the gf’s shoes . I’m certain she wouldn’t like it much if this was happening to her behind her back. That’s not to excuse his actions.
Anyway, do what you can, but i’d try not to get into the middle of it, bc it will blow up one time or another. I wouldn’t want to deal with the fallout .
Post # 11
@faeriekiss: I would just pretend he doesn’t exist. You’ve made your opinion clear, and there’s no more you can do.
Atleast he’s not married! There’s a Bee around here whose BM was dating a married man and wanted to bring him to the wedding!
Post # 12
I would tell her how I felt and start hanging out with her less and less…I’m scary like that, I would be scared that while I’m hanging out with her the girlfriend/wife of the guy she is cheating with might find out and attack and I don’t want to be an innocent bystandard that gets shot/stabbed in the process….but that’s just me, like I said I’m scary like that…
Post # 13
Lol, tell her KARMA is a very B!tchy woman who doesn’t forget anything in life !!
What comes around, goes around
This might be a whole lot of HARMLESS fun in her mind now
BUT some day she’ll be on the receiving end of this… lets hope it isn’t when she is married to the love of her life, with little kids or a baby on the way.
Other than that…
There isn’t anything you can honestly do
SHE IS MAKING A CHOICE and she knows it
Too bad she has such poor self esteem, and thinks so little of herself
(which is another whole issue… she thinks so little of herself, that she is attracting a guy who thinks LITTLE OR NOTHING of her as well)
Post # 14
Be a good friend and tell her how it is: She is being FOOLED. Sure she may be pissed at you and even not want to talk to you but guess what? You were a great friend and she knows deep down it is the truth. Those kinda guys are charming, interesting, funny, great conversationalist and seem like the “whole package”. That is how they get to have not one but TWO girls at same time and have new one stay with him while he is still with the first. He is a scumbag and has taken a note or two on the Player’s Handbook. Remind her that not only is he cheating on the first girl but he is ALSO cheating on her–and they haven’t even started out yet. Plus she will never ever trust him even if she sticks it out. The truth hurts. Period. Better she deals with it now and hears it from an honest friend than let her choose if she wants to stick it out and live that path. Let her know how it is and how you feel and let her decide from there. Good luck!
Post # 15
@faeriekiss: I had a friend who did the same exact thing. She didnt know he had a girlfriend when theu first started hooking up, but even after she found out she still continued. I advised against it, but she didnt care. She was always crying over him, but was sure that he would eventually leave his girl for her. I kept telling her that he wasnt going to and that if he treats his girlfriend like that how does she think he will treat her if he left his current gf for her.This was hard for me because FI was good friends with the guy she was dating and she was jealous of mine and FI’s relationship so she thought dating FI’s friend would get her a relationship like mine. It was a total mess, but eventually it ran its course. He stayed with his girlfriend and she eventually moved on. Honestly I would say that whenever she brings it up with you tell her your honest feelings, hopefully your friends relationship will end the same as my friends.
Post # 16
Thanks for advice the everyone. As people have mentioned, people will do what they want regardless of other people’s good opinions. I told her it might be best to distance herself from the guy after her last crying fit, but found out she meet up with him only a week later…so she definitely doesn’t listen to me LOL.
@This Time Round: I think you are right in saying she has very little self esteem. Factored in with her lack of relationship experiences makes her an easy target 🙁 She’s a beautiful, sweet, kind girl who does deserve so much more.