- 5 years ago
- Wedding: August 2015
There’s no good way to explain this situation, so I’m just going to be blunt.
When I was in high school several years ago, my high school coach sent me a series of text messages trying to hook up with me. I was 18 at the time, so technically it was legal, but it was still incredibly wrong. I eventually told people after I graduated and he lost his coaching position (he didn’t lose his teaching job because he actually wasn’t a teacher at my high school — it’s a weird technicality).
While nothing actually happened, the situation deeply affected me. Here was someone I trusted, looking to use me. The first time I confronted him about it, he lied to me, and claimed it was his friend “Chad” who picked up his phone and was sending me those messages (yeah right). He continued to lie to me. When his fiancee found out later, she actually contacted me asking me about what had happened. He straight up lied to her (no surprise) and she told me this wasn’t the first time he was looking to cheat on her. As far as we both knew then, I was the only high schooler he had tried to hook up with.
I could go into more details but you get the picture. I don’t like him. Don’t trust him. Think he’s nothing but a dirty, cheating liar. He eventually reached out to me on facebook and apologized, and tried to communicate with me again, but I shut that down. It pissed him off and we haven’t communicated since, and I prefer it that way.
Last year, right after I got engaged, I found out that one of my good friends from high school, who was also on the team, was dating him. I had no idea they were even communicating, I just found out about it on facebook. I never told her the whole story about what happened at the time, but she knew enough and at the time was legit disgusted with him. I thought all of my friends stopped communicating with him after they learned about what he was trying to do, so this completely shocked me.
I’ve waited to talk to her about their relationship. I honestly thought they would’ve broken up by now, but according to her facebook posts, they’re as happy as ever. I’d like to believe that he’s become this great guy who treats her right, as I once did before, but I don’t and I don’t know if there’s anything anyone can say or do to convince me otherwise. Anyways, it appears he’s become a permanent fixture in her life.
I believe in moving on from the past. Before that meant cutting him out of my life and it was working great. But now that he’s with this friend, I’m left with this question: Do I let go of what happened so I can keep my friend, even if it means having to hear about him and perhaps even see him, or do I continue to keep him out of my life and risk losing my friend? Maybe it’s not that black and white, maybe there’s another option I’m not thinking of, but this is how it feels.
And I need to decide soon because I need to send out wedding invites. We’re having a small wedding, less than 30 people, and she was originally one of the few friends on that guest list. I’m not concerned about her showing up with him as a guest (I don’t think he wants to see me either), but I don’t want to have to think about him on my wedding day. I want to talk with my friends and have good conversation, but I don’t want to hear his name. I don’t want to hear how it’s going, no matter how much of a supportive friend I want to be for her. On other days, fine, but not on my wedding day.
I honestly don’t know what to do. Some days I wake up and I think it’s time to move on, let go of how he hurt me and try to look past the situation so I can be there for my friend. Other days I think, I can’t do it. I can’t support her and their relationship because my gut still tells me it’s no good. And frankly I just don’t want him in my life, even if I never actually see him or communicate with him.
One final note: I have a feeling people will respond and say I need to talk to her about this. I don’t disagree. But this friend is particularly…stubborn. When her mind’s made up, it’s made up. Trying to explain to her everything that happened, or why I still feel the way I feel, I don’t think it will do any good. If she sees him as this great guy, the only way her mind will change is if he messes up.