(Closed) Friend Dating Someone Who Hurt Me (Long)

posted 5 years ago in Emotional
Post # 2
Member
787 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

This guy is a predator, big time. He’s in a position of authority preying on border-line underage girls and he DOESN’T get fired from a teaching position??? That’s absolutely unreal in every way. Just completely disgusting.

Keepng this guy out of your life. Don’t invite him to your wedding. Tell your friend he made you uncomfortable in high-school and while she’s more than welcome to come to your wedding, he should be kept away. If she throws a fuss, she’s not a real friend. You don’t need to explain yourself any further than that. There’s already something seriously wrong with this girl if she knows the story and wants to date him anyway.

I’m in absolutely disbelief. Protect yourself. 

Post # 3
Member
619 posts
Busy bee

ShoeGal89:  that sounds awful! I’m so sorry you were put in that situation. He needs to go bu-bye for good.

However, if you’re having a small wedding it might just be easier to not invite her and keep your distance. No matter what you say to her he will probably deny it and you will just look like an ass. 

Post # 4
Member
220 posts
Helper bee

ShoeGal89:  ^ exactly what she said.  

If she comes to your wedding, then great.  But if she throws a fuss, I say don’t bother.. 

Good on you for knowing to cut it off and be firm with it.

Post # 5
Member
325 posts
Helper bee

Brook10:  +1

I would keep her off the list as well. How close of a friend is she, really, if this has never been addressed? I’d look out for your own health and well-being–which I think, in your case, means moving on from the entire situation and anyone involved with it.

Post # 6
Member
547 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

I completely understand why this guy is not welcome at your wedding. He is a total creep. Even if he’s a changed man, that doesn’t make up for how he made you feel years ago. If your friend would feel entitled to bring him as a +1 to your wedding, don’t invite her. It’s your special day, and you deserve to not have someone that wanted to take advantage of you when you were barely legal. I’m glad you had the judgment then to stay away from him. 

Post # 7
Member
6448 posts
Bee Keeper

ShoeGal89:  You can’t make her break up with him and you can’t make her see what kind of person he is.  She has to see that for herself.  You already said she’s stubborn, so she may not see anything wrong with him.

I would just continue to not invite her and maybe see if you can talk to her about him, but don’t force the issue.  She may truly be happy and he may truly be a reformed man, we have no idea.  But he could also be a disgusting pig still.  Either way she may not be ready to see him for what he is.

Post # 8
Member
2158 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

I would invite her!! 

The way I see it, a guy was hitting on you, you weren’t interested. He moved on, you moved on. So, he’s not a nice guy, becaue he was trying to cheat on his ex-fiancee with you, but if you care about your friend and she’s happy, then that’s the most important thing, surely? 

The guy didn’t assault you and hasn’t done anything legally wrong, so I would just leave it in the past. In the present, he’s your good friend’s boyfriend, so treat him that way and leave it at that. It’s not your place to judge who your friend dates.

Post # 9
Member
712 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

First, I think you should invite her, unless you guys are on the verge of not being friends anymore and you really don’t care. Honestly, you’re going to be so preoccupied on your wedding day, that hopefully you’ll be thinking of the guy your marrying and not about the jerk who hurt you. If you’re not worried about him coming, I wouldn’t risk hurting a friendship over it. I don’t think she would bring it up, but you could also talk to her and tell her he’s an “off limits” Subject. 

Aside from that, I’m really sorry this happened to you. I can’t stand people that prey on innocent ones. I also am sorry your friend is with him. That’s a hard deal. 🙁 

Post # 10
Member
1720 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

amanda3334455:  Actually it is illegal in many states to date a student if you are a coach or teacher even if they are 18. Not to mention it is so wrong. No he didn’t technically do anything illegal but that’s only because she shut it down. 

OP i wouldn’t invite her and when she asks why tell her you are uncomfortable with her relationship and didn’t want to have any negativity on your wedding day. Hopefully you two can have a mature discussion about it and she will understand what you are feeling

Post # 11
Member
238 posts
Helper bee

I couldn’t be friends with someone who is “happily” dating a predator who tried to hurt me in the past. Either way, you need to cut her out, I think. She isn’t worth it at all. A real friend would never do that. There are just lines you cannot cross.

It is possible however that he abused her, and she has that weird mentality that traumatized victims get sometimes where they form an unhealthy attachment to their abuser. I seriously doubt his trying to abuse you was an isolated incident.

Post # 12
Member
941 posts
Busy bee

You know what… No, don’t invite her. There is never a single reason in this world why you should ever have to be in a situation where you know you’ll feel uncomfortable. It doesnt matter that he didn’t physically violate you. It’s been years and it still effects you. I say don’t put yourself out. 

Post # 13
Member
1450 posts
Bumble bee

If she’s a good friend to you, then she’s going to misunderstand and be really hurt if you didn’t invite her to your wedding without any explanation.

You can’t change her or make her change her relationship status, regardless of what you went through.  But you absolutely can sit her down and explain very simply about what he did to you at such a young age and why you will invite her only and would appreciate it if she respected your privacy and boundary around this man by not having him at your wedding.

In this way, you’re simply being honest and taking a stand for yourself without being controlling and telling her she needs to break-up with this pedophile.  If she gets angry, disrespectful, and cannot abide by your boundary, then it shows to you that she is a selfish friend (and a big dumbass) who you’re better off not having in your life.

Post # 14
Member
723 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

Yeesh, what an uncomfortable situation.

The least confrontational way of approaching this would be to invite her only and not give her a +1.

Beyond that, I think you are well within your rights to talk to your friend and say “I would love to have you at my wedding, but because of my history with ____, I ask that you not bring him to my wedding or talk about him with me.” If she makes you feel smaller for asking that, then she is not a real friend of yours and you shouldn’t be inviting her anyway.

Post # 15
Member
11616 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2015

There isn’t any need for this kind of toxicity in your life, bee. Your friend is a fool, but let her live with that. You don’t need to have this negativity brought back into your life. 

If she ever leaves him, maybe you can resume a friendship. But as it is, I see no way that she can bring goodness into your life. Just bad memories.

  • This reply was modified 4 years, 9 months ago by  BalletParker.

The topic ‘Friend Dating Someone Who Hurt Me (Long)’ is closed to new replies.

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