(Closed) Friend didn\'t want 3 days new husband involved … Am I looking into it too much

posted 3 years ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
816 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

I think it’s normal for her to want one last girls’ day– your husband could have visited with your mom before or after dinner, depending on when she was leaving. I wouldn’t make a big fuss about it though; it sounds like your friend is slowly easing herself back into your life and it might take some time for her to fall back into old friendship patterns again, if she ever does.

Post # 3
Member
994 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2018

yikes, 

ok your post was a little hard to understand, but what I get was this

1) old friend who is basically your sister and also a family friend

2) she was your Maid/Matron of Honor

3) Your mum, who I presume she is close to is leaving and she wants a night out with the women (no men allowed) – totally reasonable By The Way

4) she made a slightly snarky comment about your husband and you being attached at the hip and was quiet when everyone was talking babies with you

5) she’s a bit of a free spirit (travelling)

 

OK: Tough love  – your friendship is going to change. It just is. this isn’t you third wheeling with her Boyfriend or Best Friend, this is you are now married and she’s not. Even with my BFF and her husband, the dynamic has shifted since she got married, and that’s with us essentially being the same person in two different bodies.

She’s a bit of a wild one, not ready for marriage and kids, and YOU ARE. that’s ok, you’re just at different points in your lives. She’s probaby looking at you and thinking “i love her and her husband, but why on earth would she want to tie herself down already” and youre looking at her thinking “why did you blow it with that guy!?”

 

your friendship is going to change, it may even fade out for a while (esecially after you have kids) that doesn’t mean she doesn’t love you, she may just need to catch up a bit on where you are in life and she’s not ready yet.

You can take steps to remember that she probably doesn’t want to spend all her time talking about babies and ask her about her life. I have a friend who she and her Maid/Matron of Honor basically don’t talk anymore because the Maid/Matron of Honor really doesn’t like kids and the ONLY thing my friend does is talk about her daughter (who I love, but seriously.)

 

You’re still a honeymooner, enjoy it! Just remember not everyone is on the honeymoon with you and it’s ok. Work hard at your friendships but be understanding if she needs time to adjust, or can’t while she’s at a different place in her life. Love her anyway because she’s your sister from another mister

Post # 4
Member
493 posts
Helper bee

You may need to go back and edit if you are hoping for a lot of responses. I had a really hard time understanding that.

Post # 7
Member
972 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

jadaxx:  I know this is a difficult balance to maintain between friends and significant others.  But I am going to say something that I very much believe to be true.  When you commit to someone as their spouse, you are putting them first and choosing them above anyone else: both in good fun times and in the hard bad times.  So the fact is, you will always have someone else as part of you now.  And your friends have to get used to that and need to be mature enough to accept your spouse as likely to be present in most interactions in your future.

That being said, it is totally fine to have girls’ nights, to intentionally still pursue your friendships, and to take time away from your spouse to be with friends.  (though I know especially in the early days of marriage you want as much time together as possible!)  I don’t think it’s fair that she would hint at not having him at his own home for you all to have drinks.  But, I would hope you could feel comfortable to mention to your husband that you’d like to bring the girls back and have more girl time at your house.  He could go entertain himself in another room at least–my husband has done that multiple times.  He likes my friends but isn’t all that interested in girl talk all the time either πŸ™‚

Finally, for your friend’s side, you guys had a long difficult period (a year of not speaking even though she’s like a sister!).  Things got better, and now, she sees herself as losing you again.  She may be so happy for you, but it is hard to be the friend “left behind”.  Just give her time and keep trying to keep that friendship going too.  

Post # 9
Member
5951 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2018

jadaxx:  Sometimes, the love of your life…isn’t the man you marry.

Some frienships are more profound and significant than any romantic relationship ever could be…sometimes its easier for us to invest in those relationships, which last for a lifetime…which makes the scenario of marriage all the more difficult and upsetting.

It might just be possible that your friend is dealing with a little bit of a broken heart right now, and as happy as she is for you and your Mr. (Congratulations by the way!)  Take care as she may be nursing a rather tender heart.

As a woman that’s been in the marriage trenches for a while, I relish the idea of a ladies night and some time away from Mr. 99 since we live together, sleep together, eat together and I can’t even take a shower without him barging in there and hogging all the hot water while shampoo runs in my eyes…but I recall when we were newly wed and it was all about the time we spent together…you do what you want, and enjoy that special time!

All things come together in the end, and your friend will see that nothing has changed, and that your heart is expandable…with regard to kids – that probably scared the hell outta her – and it will change your relationship – but for the better. 

I’m childless by choice, but a lot of my friends have children and they’re lovely!  I enjoy spending time with their little ones, or just my friends when they need a night a way…my take on that is the person who can travel the lightest DOES, that means being more flexible, more understanding and making your time with your friends work for them and their family.

But its a skill that takes a little time to learn – so be patient with her, its likely because she loves you so very much that she’s acting a little out of character.

Post # 11
Member
1412 posts
Bumble bee

Just because you’re married doesn’t mean you have to be near/with your husband 100% of the time- you can go out without him, heck you can travel without him! Being married shouldn’t mean that when you/she wants to have a girls night that he MUST be there..

Post # 13
Member
5882 posts
Bee Keeper

Girls night out- totally fine IMO. Your friend acting like your husband will be in the way in his own home, not okay. 

Plus, correct me if I’m wrong, but was your friend’s speech entirely a trip down memory lane with you and your nan etc? This is fine to a point, but it should wrap up with her happiness for you and your husband and this new chapter in your life. 

I think it’s great that you’re striving for a heatlhy balance btw married life and maintaining friendships…..but your friend’s attitude doesn’t sound quite as healthy, she seems a bit stuck in the past and seems to view your husband as the newcomer/ outsider rather than an important part of your life. 

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