- 8 years ago
- Wedding: October 2012
Hello Hive. Long time lurker, first time poster. I’m working through an issue with a friend and want some unbaised opinions and outside advice.
I have been in a serious relationship with a wonderful man for about 2 years. We are happy and healthy and plan to commit the rest of our lives to each other. A male friend of mine (whom I’ve known only about six months longer than I’ve been with my boyfriend) came to me this past week and basically expressed his feelings that I’m not 100% happy, I’m wrapped up in a relationship where all of my needs aren’t getting met, and I’m settling with my boyfriend. I was pretty shocked, but to be honest, had an idea of his feelings based on chatting with his girlfriend and just knowing him well enough to see that something was up. He’d been distant and cold.
Note: My relationship is wonderful. Like any couple, we have a few issues to work out, but we communicate well, respect one another and each put equal effort into our relationship. In the past I have suffered from anxiety and depression and since meeting my boyfriend, I have matured and grown in ways I never thought I could. I feel more stable, loved and supported than I ever have before. I am free of anxiety and happy. I am very self aware and I know that this relationship is the one. Joy!
This male friend and I are not super close, but we do hang out regularly as part of a larger group. When I first met him, I had just moved to a new city. We met through a mutual college friend and I was lovingly brought into their group of people. Over the past few years this group has been very solid and a regular part of my life. I value everyone individually and love spending time with them.
However, his comments hurt me and made me angry and I told him as such. I told him that ultimately, I know my relationship is good and makes me happy and any issues I have with my boyfriend are my own. I asked him to respect my decisions and said that I just want to be comfortable being his friend since things had been awkward between us lately, I’m assuming, due to his misconceptions about my relationship.
I am happy with how I handled the situation and have come to terms with who he is, what he said, why he said it and what it means to me. My boyfriend feels disrespected, as he should. I gave him a short rundown of what this friend said because I was upset and felt like it would be wrong not to share with my boyfriend.
My boyfriend wants to say something to our friend when we see him this weekend to clear the air between him and this friend, but I’m afraid it may result in a blow-up. I don’t want to upset our involvement with the group as a whole, because aside from this friend, everyone else is lovely. Unfortunately, this friend is the ringleader of sorts, and usually the driving force behind our social engagements. I worry that he has more influence over our other friends than he (and they) know.
I honestly don’t see us lasting with this group of friends for very much longer, but we already have some planned social engagements with them (Christmas party, NYE party) that I’d like to enjoy for what they are and let ourselves gradually grow apart. I would miss these people and hope to maintain some of the friendships, but I also accept the fact that sometimes people just grow apart!
I would love to hear back from some Bees and see what you all think. I want to be a unified force with my boyfriend when we see this friend and support him. I think he has every right to speak his mind, but I’m still concerned about how he goes about that. We intend to come up with a game plan before we go out this weekend so we know where each other stands regardless of what may happen.
What would you do?
Many thanks in advance for your thoughtful comments. 🙂