Post # 1
Hi everyone, I’ve posted here for a few months but registered this account to make sure it is not linked to me/mypartner.
I have had a very good friend for nearly twenty years. We went to high school and college together and he knows more about me than anyone, perhaps even my fiancé. I went to visit him and his girlfriend a few months ago and she asked me if I planned to have kids. I said no and she asked why not. I said that we just did not want children (which we don’t.) My friend then chimes in, “she just doesn’t like sex, that’s why she won’t be having kids”. I was stunned and said, “Shut up.” She looked confused and said “what?” and he blurted “she’s never liked sex, ever, she doesn’t like it at all so there’s no way she’s getting pregnant!: I was stunned and furious. She looked uncomfortable. (I don’t even know her, we’ve met twice, they have been together for less than two years.) I went it to another room and kept my composure then shortly after went back to my hotel, fuming. I was polite and we all hugged goodbye but I was very upset.
So here’s the context. Nearly a decade ago, when I was having trouble in a relationship I told my friend that I had a hard time with sex. This was not something I thought I had to tell him was private, confidential, and never to be spoken to anyone. We have not talked about this issue in many years, and it has actually gotten much better as I worked with my doctor to figure it all out. Anyway, I am stunned and deeply angered that he said this to his girlfriend. It is absolutely none of hers (or anyone’s) business.
Im sorry this is so long. Here is my question. I have not spoken to him since this happened and I have decided that despite all of the years of friendship, its over. I feel incredibly violated, trust is broken, and I never want to speak to him again. He has called several times, emailed, and sent me a birthday card. I responded only to one of his emails and said I am busy. I am wondering if people think I should actually tell him the truth. I am reluctant because I don’t want to get into a conversation about it, I really don’t think I can accept him in my life anymore.
Post # 3
Wow, Im sorry he betrayed your trust like that. I agree that it was totally inapproporiate to say anything about it to anyone.
I do think that you should at least tell him why your are avoiding his calls and such. If you have been friends for that long, I think you should give him the opportunity to appologize, even if you dont want to talk to him after that.
Post # 4
Most people tell their SO’s everything. It’s expected. If you didn’t want her to know, you shouldn’t have told him. My husband and I tell each other everthing, and I expect the same of my friends.
Post # 5
@crayfish: I think the fact that she told him so long ago and the fact that it has nothing to do with the current situation make it totally inappropriate
Post # 6
@HoneyBear: Ditto. That was really inappropriate and you’re justified in wanting to end the friendship, but given there is such a long history there, giving closure seems like the classy thing to do.
Post # 7
@crayfish: It sounds like the OP shared this information ten years ago, so possibly before her friend had even met his current girlfriend.
OP, I think you are right to be upset. It is a pretty bad move for your friend not only to tell his girlfriend, but to bring it up IN FRONT OF YOU when it is obviously private information. Personally, I would write a letter to tell him why you are so upset. If he is really, really apologetic and sincerely regrets his actions, then maybe the friendship can be salvaged. Or maybe not–maybe it’s too much. But make sure that you are ending it because of him, not because you now feel too embarrassed to be around his girlfriend.
Post # 8
I think you should email him with the honest reason why you want to end the friendship. You’re completely justified, and letting him know what he’s done wrong is the best idea, IMO.
Post # 9
Thank you all for your thoughts. Its difficult to even explain how upset and violated I feel, how in a few short moments, someone who has been like a brother to me became someone I never want to see again. I thought the feeling might pass but over the months it has just grown and I have become more solid in feeling I never want to deal with him again. I may try to construct a short email to him. I don’t want to confront this, but I also want him to stay away from me.
I am not embarrassed, I don’t think it is anything to be embarrassed about, it is simply a private matter. I don’t tell my partner about my friend’s fibroids, or trouble conceiving, because that is private between friends information.
Post # 10
I don’t want this to come out wrong, but I think that you’re overreacting just a little. To cut someone out of your life FOREVER who was like a brother to you because he told his girlfriend who he’s in a committed relationship with, something that he didn’t realize was a secret? It seems a little extreme to me. I am in no way defending him. He shouldn’t have said it…that was very rude. You are justified in being hurt. I think that he wasn’t thinking it all the way through and didn’t really understand how hurt you’d be by the comment. He might not have realized how incredibly private that matter was to you. If you’re going to cut him out of your life, then that’s totally your decision to make, but I think this is the kind of situation that could be worked on and eventually your relationship repaired. The fact that you haven’t even told him that he hurt you, means he hasn’t even had a chance to apologize (because why apologize for something you didn’t know you did?).
Post # 11
@mg1363: You know, I agree with this. I don’t want to be judgmental because I really see how upset OP is, but I find myself wondering if there is a little more to this situation because I find the reaction to be a little severe.
Post # 12
As someone who’s blurted out a few things I didn’t mean to over the years, I would at least explain and give him a chance to apologise.
I have been horrified to hear things come out of my mouth, the second they left I realize they should not have been said.
It was very very wrong for him to bring up such a thing, and I am not defending him, but give him a chance to try and make it up to you.
Post # 13
I would be very upset also, he probably should have known that he shouldn’t tell this too anyone.
On the other hand I know that SOs tell eachother everything, I am not saying that it is ok, but it happens.
I think you should tell him why you do not want to be friends. I know that I had a friend once, and all of a sudden she would not speak to me, and she would not tell me why. I really really have no clue why she didn’t want to be friends with me. I wish she had told me why, because currently I think that she just wanted to be a B for no reason whatsoever. I loved her (in a friend type of way) and would have never done anything intentionally to hurt her. I am sad that she would just not talk to me. But oh well, I guess our friendship didn’t mean enough to her to talk about what bothered her.
Post # 14
Thanks for the thoughts. Perhaps I have a different understanding of friendship and privacy than some other people. I do not tell my significant other my friends business and I don’t hear his friends business either. Sure, we share everything about OUR lives but not everyone else’s who we know. If that were the case my partner would know that my friend’s father beat him and he ran away from home. I’m sure he wouldn’t find it amusing if I shared that with my partner and declared it over dessert. I find it very hard to believe that he didnt understand what he did, and I think it is beyond reasonable to expect that people’s sexual health is not for public discussion.
And in addition to my privacy issue, I think he was incredibly offensive for bringing this up in the context of us deciding not to have children. The issues are not even associated and he has no business extrapoliating.
Post # 15
@mg1363: I agree while the friend was rude blurting that out like that, to stop being his friend over it after 20 years of friendship is ridiculous and to not even let him know why is just mean, a lot meaner than what he did.
His friendhip obviously doesnt mean much to you at all, goodness if I dumped a friend over a silly outburst I prob wouldn’t have too many left.
Post # 16
@hgiog: My first instinct to explain his childish behavior was that he has feelings for you. Regardless, I think you need to talk to him about it. People make mistakes and say things they wish the hadn’t. In my opinion, the true test of character is how people deal with their mistakes/whether they are good at communicating and respect you enough to apologize when necessary and do what they need to to make the situation right again.
Even if you do decide to cut him out of your life, you owe it to yourself to get closure on this situation.