Post # 1
FI’s cousin’s wife has become a pretty close friend of mine. Let’s call her Susie. Susie made it clear last night that she is disappointed in the amount of time I am contributing to the friendship and basically said I need to try harder to see her.
I work a full time 9-5 with an almost hour commute. I also run a business on the side, which eats up many of my weeknights (which I am trying to close asap) and I’m planning a wedding. I feel like I am never home and I’m always being pulled in a million directions. It’s honestly overwhelming at times.
Since the spring, Susie has worked anywhere between 0-3 days a week. She quit her job to start a business, which she never actually started, just did a whole lot of talking about. She’s worked a couple jobs here and there, some lasting only a day, because honestly she just does not want to work. Which is totally fine, it’s her life to live. My issue is when she accuses me of not making time for her because I’m an introvert and she’s an extrovert. In reality, I don’t think she understands what it’s like to have responsibilities and commitments. I can’t just drop everything to ‘hang out’. She’s not always easy to be around either. She mostly complains about her problems and talks about the ways she’s going to fix them but never makes any changes. When I first met her, I thought we were really similar as I’m someone who always looks to improve or be better but after over 3 years of hearing someone talk about the same problem and not doing a thing to change, it gets old!!
We did have plans this past Friday and SHE cancelled. She then became upset when I couldn’t see her on Saturday when she texted me asking what I was doing.
Am am I being rude and unkind or is she unreasonable? I would LOVE to have more free time to see my friends but my free time is usually spent at the grocery store or doing laundry lol.
Post # 2
A real friend would try to understand your hectic schedule and accept you for you. I’m horrible at keeping in touch with people and work 7 days a week. While I’m sure my friends would love to hear more from me they don’t give me grief about how long its been when I am available.
Post # 3
This is one reason why I’ve always refused to be friends with people who didn’t have to work. Generally, they don’t seem to understand that work is where food comes from. She is family, so that’s a little more difficult.
I see three options:
Calmly explain to a grown ass woman that jobs are a thing and if you don’t work you will die.
Go off/snap that jobs are where food/shelter comes from, and see if she suddenly becomes sane.
Stop hanging out with her.
You can not make her be reasonable. You can not make bills accept well wishes and unicorn farts as payment. You are not obligated to be around unreasonable people outside of work and lines at the grocery store. You don’t have to hate her or anything like that, but if you are living in two different realities you might not be a good match as friends.
Post # 4
impatient1 : Great post!
SittingWaitingWishing : I think your friend is being unreasonable. I’m a teacher and I coached volleyball and during season, I didn’t see any of my friends. Now that I have a baby, I see them even less. One of my friends is a nurse and dropped down to PRN status, which meant she only worked like 3 days a month, and she would get upset that we didn’t see each other that much. Because I’ve known her for so long, we had a long talk about how I was feeling and it turned out she was just bored. Maybe that’s the case with your friend too. If you’re that close talk to her and tell her there’s just so many hours in a day. If she doesn’t get it, well, then maybe you just need to distance yourself from her.
Post # 5
Before injury I too worked similar hours with a hour (sometimes 1.5) commute and planning our wedding. I can’t imagine adding in a business. Nobody would have seen me for months!
She’s being unreasonable. Remind her that SHE cancelled your last plans not you and ask her to take a look in the mirror. Plus all if she wants to come over at 11pm for tea because that’s when your done with all your work during the middle of the week until you sell your business and have the wedding.
Post # 6
Sorry typos again. You’re.*
Post # 7
SittingWaitingWishing : Either she’s unreasonable and demanding, or she’s sad and misses you. I’m guessing the first, but in either case, I’d just agree with her. “You’re right, my life is pretty hectic right now and I don’t have the time to nurture this friendship. I wish I did. When things calm down a little, I’ll reach out and hope you have room in your life for me, but if you don’t I’ll understand. I’m glad we’ll always be family at any rate.” How she reacts to that will help you decide if you want to try again later or permanently move her from friend back to cousin-in-law.
Post # 8
Thank you for the responses. It does make me feel better that others outside of the situation can see my view.
impatient1 : I literally laughed out loud at your post!
I think the hardest part is that it’s not that she doesn’t HAVE to work, she just chooses not to. She complains about being so far in debt, like a $1 charge was declined on her credit card, then she passed up jobs because she feels she is ‘above them’. I don’t know how her husband deals, honestly.
Post # 9
Daisy_Mae : I definitely think it’s a little of both. It’s her reaction that makes it so frustrating. Instead of trying to figure out another time to get together, she acts like it’s the end of the world and I’m a horrible person. I’d be flattered she wants to see me so badly if her reactions weren’t so severe.
Post # 10
I can totally sympathise and you’re not in the wrong. I found that keeping a paper diary was helpful, and when anyone does the “let’s meet up tomorrow!” thing, I open the diary in front of them and turn through each page till I find the first date that’s free – usually 5/6 weeks ahead. After a few “can’t you do any time sooner?”s, they generally get the hint that I work on a 4 week minimum notice!
Post # 11
She sounds exhausting!!! I have a friend like that and I’ve had to distance myself from her.
Post # 12
She sounds sounds immature and high maintenance. Honestly, the way she is carrying on says a lot about her. Since she’s family it may be time for a discussion about expectations. I’d tell her that you value the relationship but in view of the current demands on your time unfortunately they are unrealistic. It’s hurtful to be made to feel guilty and put on the defensive.
If you want to throw a bone you can say it doesn’t mean you care about her any less. When you do get together you feel like no time has passed.
Post # 13
It sounds like she has too much time on her hands. I doubt she is able to maintain many (?any) friendships with her attitude and demands. You’re not wrong.