(Closed) Friend doesn’t think I should plan without a ring

posted 9 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
1765 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

I looked at a ton of venues before we got engaged. I thought about my bridesmaid dresses, and picked out a couple of basic color schemes. I also thought about how many people. I had the okay from my fiance since we knew when we were getting married–he was just CLUELESS about timing/when stuff would be booked up.

I don’t think it matters, you know?

I will say this: I did not do any real deposits until I got engaged. But, I knew what I wanted by then–no messing around at that point!

Post # 4
Member
83 posts
Worker bee

Yes, engaged (I think by definition) means that you commit to marrying each other. The jewelry portion is a fairly new concept and no, it’s not necessary. My cousin got married with no engagement ring simply because she only wanted to wear a simple wedding band like her parents had done. This certainly made her no less engaged. I say if you are both commited to marrying each other, then have fun planning (and continue to do so – I feel you on the venue/vendor issue)!

Post # 5
Member
606 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

I would say that it’s perfectly fine to look at venues and things pre-engagement ring, but I would not put down deposits and book anything official until he has at least ASKED you to marry him (ring or no ring). It certainly doesn’t hurt for you to already know what you want though, before the ring is on your finger.

Just my 2 cents!

-Bella

Post # 6
Member
83 posts
Worker bee

I agree that I would make it public though, before I would put down deposits. Ring or now ring doesn’t matter in my opinion, but officially annoucing to your families your intentions and making it “public” I think would be an important step.

Post # 7
Member
2781 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

I second what bella says about deposits. But that just may be my cynical nature. However I do think that you’re right, Mr Moo and I would have lengthy discussions about our wedding before he asked me and we were “secretly” engaged for a while – he wanted to make a big announcement for his and my families. But you’re entirely right, an engagement is a promise to marry, and you don’t have to have a ring, or an engagement party or make a big announcement for that. It’s whatever you and your boyfriend decide.

Post # 8
Member
4567 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

I’m doing all the pre-planning I can stand before we get engaged. However, I’m also in the camp that until I have that ring, I am NOT putting deposits down or talking to my dad about a budget. Not til he actually asks me to marry him. I don’t know why, because I don’t really have a problem with it. Just hyper-tradional in that my family would be like UMMMMM WTF? Good luck, though! Do what YOU want!

Post # 10
Member
81 posts
Worker bee

it sounds to me like you are engaged, and in your case the ring the ring is more of a formality, and it doesn’t make it “real” since it already is. if you’re already openly planning together and discussing the wedding together, i don’t think there’s any reason why you shouldn’t be planning. i think your friend and the other posters’ hesistancy about putting down deposits would make sense if your SO wasn’t involved in the planning, since then it may seem more like it’d be premature to actively plan….like, with my bf, we’re definitely getting married someday, and we talk about it, but until he formerly proposes, he doesn’t want to make any plans–like, he would discuss options for venues, but wouldn’t look at a website for one that i wanted to show him. so me going to look at venues or whatever would be premature. but, with your relationship, imo, it sounds like you’re both on the same page.

Post # 11
Member
3979 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 2012

My sister said to me once before he proposed, after we picked out the ring, “You aren’t even engaged yet! It’s not just sad… it’s downright pathetic.” She followed it with “I hope you look fat on your wedding day”.  True story. I warned her & said she’d better be careful because you can’t take words back…

Anyway, unlike my sister, your friend is just showing concern for your well being. She doesn’t sound like an evil monster (like my sister) & I would try to take it as she’s just watching out for you. 

I do however agree with you… once you decided as a couple to marry, it’s okay to start looking and planning!! She just doesn’t understand 🙂

Post # 12
Member
2397 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

My Fiance and I talked about getting married for years prior to us actually getting engaged.  Probably 2 months before he proposed, we got really serious about it… we looked at rings together and talked about guest lists.  Meanwhile, I bought my wedding shoes and called to book appointments with venues and photographers.  I booked them for in the future, since I was hoping to be engaged by then! 

Don’t worry about what other people think.  Your friend was probably just concerned that you were jumping into wedding planning without a firm commitment to getting married.  Only you and your Boyfriend or Best Friend know how serious you are about getting married, so do whatever feels right!

Post # 13
Member
1757 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

“<span style=”font-family: tahoma, verdana; font-size: 13px;”>So I guess to me, the ring is a purchase, not the thing that makes us ‘really’ engaged.” – I agree. If the two of you have agreed to get married and plan a wedding, you’re engaged. Regardless of whether there’s a circle of bling around your finger.

Post # 14
Member
21 posts
Newbee

As you say, you are “actively planning a wedding” TOGETHER.  That is the rock that counts.  And the friends who support you in your relationships, not your acquisitions, are the keepers. 

Congratulations and good luck. 

Post # 15
Member
6597 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2010

I did the exact same thing – and as you said an engagement does not equal a ring!!!!!

I think your friend is just worried for you and will probably just feel better when you announce that you are engaged but I do hope that she thinks an engagement is more than a ring.

If you and your SO have made the commitment to get married I say jump right in and plan – for me it made the engagement really relaxing – I took 3 weeks off planning after the proposal just to enjoy the moment!

Post # 16
Member
984 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2010

I did the same thing as well, Fiance and I had a strict timeline for our wedding but he wanted to propose in his own way, which had a specific date. Our friends knew as did our immediate family that we were actively planning the wedding together, a few people didn’t approve but I didn’t care. We picked a date and started putting down deposits. The ring was really just a formality.

I agree with you totally Circus Peanut, I don’t think a ring is anything but a symbol of a promise two people make to one another. I think the promises behind it, the commitement, the decisons that two people make together mean more than a ring. I got irritated as well when I’d talk about my wedding, then people would tell me, with a sad look, “oh, so you’re not really engaged.” It’s irritating and frustrating, but honestly, I think you should say something about how you feel. You’re friend may not have meant anything by what she said, but maybe if she understood how you felt she wouldn’t say anything like that again.

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