Post # 1
A close friend of mine who is from a very fortunate wealthy background, who hasn’t ever so much as worried about a rent bill (even during our university days) doesn’t believe me when I say I need to cut wayyy back on my socialising.
With just under 3 months to go, a fiance who is about to loose his job and normal bills on top of rent and a wedding to pay for, I’m feeling the pressure to make sure I count every penny. I’ve cut all corners, hair appointments, social outings and I’ve even gone without buying new clothes and shoes by recycling old things, I have to make sure this wedding et al doesn’t take me under and I refuse to go into debt for it.
Trouble is now I’m saying no to “just one drink” after work… and it’s never just one drink, its several (and London is not cheap!) and then it’s dinner and then it’s too late to get public transport home, so you have to get a cab home… and she’s now accusing me of trying to avoid going out with her. I’ve tried to offer her an alternative (come over to our place and we’ll do something with a bottle and a take away) but she’s come off really unsupportive and its starting to grate.
I feel like I have to justify where all my money goes in a month just so she can see I’m telling the truth but she’s not accepting that. I’m I going about this the wrong way?
Post # 3
Offer an alternative instead.
Say, “I need to watch my spending so I cant go out for a drink, if you want to split the cost of a bottle of wine, lets have a drink at my apartment”
“I am staying in from the bars this week to save money, do you want to go for a walk in X park Saturday morning?”
Post # 4
First off, your financial situation is none of her business and you do not owe her any explanation – she needs to back the F off. Clearly she isn’t getting it, so I’d just lay it out there as blunt as possible and tell her you’re sorry she doesn’t get it, but you just can’t do it. You’re happy to have her come to your house to hang out where you can bring a bottle of wine and cook dinner but other than that too bad you cannot go out as often anymore. If she doesn’t like it quite frankly I’d say too damn bad and stop hanging out with her!
Post # 5
My friend is exactly the same way. She gets annoyed that I can’t just ‘go for a coffee’ with her, and then even asked me to spend new years in Poland!
*um, hello? what part of ‘i’m saving every penny’ do you not get?!*
Eventually i got it through to her by speaking to her directly about it when she asked me to go out with her.
I told her how tough my financial situation was, and that it’s nothing personal but i just cannot spend ANY money for the next couple of months. I told her if she wanted to see me, it had to be a free activity OR she pays and doesn’t make me feel bad about it.
That weekend she came round with a bottle of wine. It worked. But boy was it tough to get to that point!
I think it’s good to say “No I can’t do that, but I can do this instead. That way you’re showing that you want to do things with her and if she doesn’t like it then SHE’S the one blowing YOU off and she can’t get mad about that! 🙂
Post # 6
@ThreeMeers You’d think that would work wouldn’t you! except she’s making out that I just want to say no to her social suggestion or that I’m being lazy.
@MrsWBS Haha! woah you’re a tough one aren’t you! I definately feel like being a blunt and to the point of that, it’s not my usual style but maybe it’s called for!
@lookingglass Oh good it’s not just me then! I’m just going to have to perserver and hope she gets it in the end. Trouble is her version of “I have no money” is usually I’ve spent all mine so I’ll tap into bank of mum and dad, so I think she hears “I have access to money, I just don’t want to tap into it for you”- Good point about blowing me off, if she says no to my offer then I’ll at least feel like she’s not meeting me half way.
Post # 7
@MrsWBS: +1 – Tell her to back off OP. You don’t have much money as she does- she needs to understand that or pay for you.
Post # 8
That’s really annoying, and like you said London is not cheap!
I’d just sit her down and tell her that you miss doing things with her, but that literally every penny at the moment is ear marked for the wedding, that you have to start paying the balance of things soon and can’t afford to make any errors… also make it clear that after the wedding things will be more normal
I’ve been telling my friends that as much as I love them and want to see them, I need to save money, so we’ve been doing more nights in which has been great, could you orgnaise a proper girl night in, manicures, facials, wine and some good old chick flicks to show her that clearlly you want to spend time with her?
She sounds like she is being awkward though
Post # 9
Been thru that myself… Honestly what you explain will make no difference… They only will truly understand if they go thru this stress themselves… Instead invite her to your place to drink
Post # 10
I felt like that a little with fi’s cousin. They are like us: our age with 3 kids (but married) and we liked hanging out with them every weekend. Mainly we’d hang at each other’s houses and order in but we’d also go out to places like the mall, kogart, bowling, restaurants. After we started planning, we had cut back the outings to places that would cost us money and the ordering in. I felt like the first couple of times they didn’t get it, like we can’t hang if it’ll cost too much because we’re saving every penny. But they eventually got it and we stick to at home chill time with homemade meals.
Maybe have a real heart to heart with your friend and tell her what you just told us, not just that you can’t hang because you’re broke. make her understand. if she still forces the issue, then not sure what you could do.
Post # 11
i agree with the above advice, but i’d also reccommend doing new or different outings, so that she doesn’t feel like the default option is now wine + your couch = all the time you spend together.
try doing a cheap exercise class, or going shopping at markets (you don’t have to buy anything) or invite her over to try cooking the latest recipe you found. if you keep things interesting then she might not notice that you guys aren’t spending money 🙂
Post # 12
Sadly, we lost friends for this very same reason. Potentially we could afford to go out etc, but at the same time we are trying to save as much as possible since Darling Husband will be out of grad school soon and might not find a job right away. However, some people didn’t really get it. We tried to do something cheaper with them (go hiking, surfing, dinner at our place, BBQing at the beach…) but it didn’t work with everybody. Some people just are not happy if they do not spend.
I guess now we know who our friends are. Sad but true.