(Closed) Friend engaged at the same time — how not to go crazy.

posted 4 years ago in Emotional
Post # 16
Member
785 posts
Busy bee

I think wedding planning can be really mind altering for anyone, especially if you have anxiety. Honestly, this would make me super stressed too. Maybe you and Fiance could sit down and write about what your ideal wedding would include now and then whenever you feel like you need to add you can reference the list and see if you’re being true to yourself or just trying to keep up with the jones’. I initially went into wedding planning super laid back too but I feel like the whole industry is geared towards making you feel like you’re not good enough and I ended up spending money on things I look back and regret. Good luck!

Post # 17
Member
650 posts
Busy bee

I hate event planning, two of my best friends got engaged within a month of me (one a bit before, one a bit later). My friends have had engagement parties, booked everything, and I just got the save the date for one wedding next year.

 I haven’t planned a thing. Missed the boat on an engagement party, and who knows when I will actually get married. Eloping is a strong possibility. 

Would I like to have an elegant event planned by now? Sure, but I also haven’t been dreaming of this since I was twelve and secretly touring venues before I was engaged. Some people love the idea of a wedding, some people can take it or leave it. I’d be excited to hire one of those wedding  planners that just makes everything happen, but since that’s not in my budget, I’m just going to get around to things in my own time. 

Certainly nothing wrong with that!

Post # 18
Member
566 posts
Busy bee

Don’t feel obligated to have a big fancy wedding with all the bells and whistles just because they are. If that’s the type of party they want, that’s great! Good for them. Plan an affair that suits you better. If you’re anxious perhaps a smaller more intimate affair would suit you better. 

We did a destination elopement with a casual party after and it was best for us, but have friends who did the full shebang 40k wedding and it was perfect for them and we had a blast at both. Comparison is the thief of joy – enjoy your engagement and plan what you feel most comfortable with! 

Post # 19
Member
53 posts
Worker bee

hey Bee – first you need to stop talking about wedding stuff with her and maybe stop googling wedding stuff. YOU DO YOU! 

ask yourself – who cares if shes does XYZ, if you dont want to then dont! 

remember its your wedding day with your fiance – i personally think a small intimate affair is just as good/if not better than a big wedding. 

 

And remember – even though it seems like everyone has a shower, big weddig, etc if you do a small/low key style youll be saving your friends/family money and time and im sure they would really appreciate it, and then the focus would be more on the marriage and less on a “wedding”. 

 

you do you and be happy!

Post # 20
Member
76 posts
Worker bee

View original reply
anxiousbee23 :  I’m sorry you’re going through this, and I feel your pain. I also have anxiety, and it got way worse immediately after I got engaged… Plus, my gf got engaged six weeks after I did, which brought my anxiety to a whole other level.  I found what helped me was therapy, (I only go once a month bc it’s so costly, but worth it) and also trying to get back to what weddings are really all about. The love between two people. It’s so easy to get caught up in what other people are doing, what you feel you ‘should’ be doing, etc. There’s no right or wrong way to go about it, only what’s best for you and your Fiance. Also, your wedding will be beautiful – because it’s to celebrate the union between you and your Fiance. Whether you use paper plates or fancy gold chargers with china, it won’t be shitty-it will be a special and beautiful celebration I’m sure.  

The other thing that really helped was tackling things in bite-sized pieces, and also being honest with ourselves about what was really important. And I say ‘ourselves’ pretty loosely, because my Fiance isn’t really interested in wedding planning at ALL lol. So if you are able to get some time with your Fiance on weekends even, and he’s interested in planning with you – it will be ok! 

I also agree with a PP about possibly blocking the girl who brings on the comparison anxiety, you need to look out for yourself –  and anything that does not make you feel good or triggers you should be kept at bay, if at all possible. 

Good luck Bee! XOXO

Post # 21
Member
138 posts
Blushing bee

I don’t think any of the things you see as short-comings are short-comings: “an expat living in our usual home city and she’s a local” – eh, yes so what? “I’m introverted whereas she’s really social” – those are just two different personalities none is better than the other “she always dresses perfectly” – ok you can do that too “she comes from a super well-off family”-that doesn’t really have anything to do with herself. one can come from wherever and be a terrific person.

Post # 22
Member
277 posts
Helper bee

I’m sorry you’re feeling this way. Lots of other posters have given you great advice on focusing on the wedding YOU and your Fiance want, not on the wedding that will impress other people. My cousin got married the same month that I did and she put on an such an elegant affair and looked absolutely breathtaking. In terms of scale and detail, she WAY outdid me in the shindig-throwing category and I’m sure she got a bunch more Facebook likes and whatnot, and I have to admit I felt a teeny bit like an underachiever. But I don’t have the organizational skills and the aesthetic sense that she has and I ultimately would not have been happier going through all that stress. Your wedding won’t be any better or worse than your FI’s friend’s wedding; it’ll just be yours.

Some details in your post have stuck with me though. You have anxiety and you’re still brave enough to attempt–and succeed–in a stressful job while living far away from the #1 part of your support system? You live in another country? You’ve accomplished what you have without the benefit of coming from a wealthy family? Girl, you’re not giving yourself enough credit! And the whole introvert/extrovert thing. Eesh. Our culture (and maybe yours too–I don’t know where you’re from) rewards extroverts in terms of social capital and tangible rewards, but that doesn’t mean that being outgoing is objectively better than being reserved and thoughtful. I’m not saying any of this to chastise you for feeling the way you do, but you’re awesome in ways that you’re not giving yourself credit for. I hope that you can start to see that about yourself.

Post # 23
Member
1633 posts
Bumble bee

Hi bee. Congratulations on your engagement! 

I don’t have anxiety so I can’t personally relate to what you’re saying. Do you see a regular psychologist? They might be well placed to help you through this period.

Just some practical ideas though: as PP have said, perhaps just hide her social media posts for a while if they act as a trigger for you. Also, your Fiance obviously loves you and wants to spend his life with you just the way you are. There’s always going to be more socially capable, good looking, wealthy people than you out there, that’s just the reality of life. You have your own qualities and worth, and sometimes that’s harder for us to see and celebrate. 

It must be a bit difficult organising the wedding when Fiance is away, I think that is probably contributing to your feelings about this quite a lot. Can you have regular Skype calls about it? You might feel better when you start looking at venues and things together. 

xo

Post # 24
Member
638 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2017

View original reply
anxiousbee23 :  I think you need to take a moment and address why you feel the need to compare yourself to her. Is this really just about the wedding or are you worried that your fiance is comparing you to his best friend’s fiancé?

Post # 25
Member
309 posts
Helper bee

Do you have the funds to hire a wedding planner? Shifting the job to a professional might take a lot of the stress out!

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