Post # 1
I’m not sure how to react to this situation… My best friend, maid of honor, C, who is 23, started dating a guy, B, 35, in December. (Age difference isn’t my real concern) I met up with her just after Christmas and she seemed extremely happy with B, and I was happy for her, but she started talking about making wedding plans and that they wanted to get engaged in February and married in early summer. She had been dating B for 18 days at that point. Needless to say I was a bit worried that this was actually going to happen and about a month or so later I wrote to her explaining my view on all this, that it’s all going way too fast and in my opinion they should wait at least a year to get married, so they can actually really get to know each other. This weekend, so February 21st, they got engaged. C has spent, since I’ve known her for 10 years, living with her mom, then dad’s, back to her mom’s, with her sister, a couple different roommates, it’s never been stable in other words. She’s also never had a real stable relationship. I haven’t met the guy, well I kind of have, his father used to be my gym teacher in high school and B would substitute sometimes, not just for gym but for other classes as well. Who knew 10 years later he would be marrying my best friend who I met in gym class my junior year. I want to be supportive, I want to be happy for her, but gettin enaged after 2 months is not enough time to really know someone, not saying 2.5 years is either but it’s definitely a lot farther a long than 2 months. I’m not even saying they won’t have a long loving marriage, I’m sure they will, but why does that need to start 6 months after meeting? I don’t know whether to say anything to her again, I’m afraid that my attitude towards thieir relationship will affect our friendship. It’s hard to congratulate her when I don’t agree with what they’re doing.
This topic was modified 6 years, 9 months ago by .
Post # 2
I know you’re concerned for your friend but you’ve told her your opinion already. I wouldn’t say anything further; it’s her life, not yours. All you can do now is stand by her.
Post # 3
It sounds like you have the best of intentions, and I definitely sympathize with you and understand your concerns. However, it seems like you’ve voiced those concerns clearly to your friend once already. I can’t imagine that she took it lightly or forgot, since you are very close friends. But she has decided to proceed anyway. So, although it is hard to stand by and watch … if it were me, I think I would back off. She has to make her own choices. At most, I would consider raising the topic a second time (in person), but it’s something to weigh carefully. Based on your description of the instability in her life, perhaps it would be worth asking if she’s ever considered counseling. Yes, your attitude towards her engagement could affect your friendship. It’s one thing to discuss this with your friend, to feel protective or want the best for her. But when you say it’s hard to congratulate her because you don’t agree … well, you don’t HAVE to agree. If you’ve spoken your mind, that’s all you can do. If you cant support her after that, I wouldn’t expect the friendship to continue to thrive.
Post # 4
Not your business. You told her your concern, now it’s on her to decide what to do with her own life. Support her, or be alienated if you push more.
Post # 5
Has she responded to your letter yet? This is such a tricky situation. I completely understand why you’d want to keep trying to reason with her to make her see the more rational light, because you care about her and only want what’s best for her. I’d want to do the same. However I have to say in my experience, every person I know who’s made “bad” decisions when it comes to relationships (whether that’s who they’re with or what they’re sacraficing or timelines or whatever) has not changed their mind upon receiving well intentioned advice from others. In my experience unless people are unsure and asking for your input, then they’re just going to do what they’re going to do and need to figure things out for themselves. If you push your advice too hard you may end up pushing her away, and if this all blows up in her face she may not feel like she can come to you afterwards.
If it was me I’d offer my advice up once and if she’s not interested in listening just support her in this relationship. Best case scenario they prove your secret worries wrong and you were one of the wonderful people to believe in her when others didn’t. Worse case scenario it doesn’t work out but you’re one of the people she feels she can turn to without hearing “I told you so.”
I’d be interested to hear if other bees have different experiences where they’ve been able to steer a friend of a bad path solely with their advice though.
Post # 6
- Wedding: November 2009 - New York, NY
You already stated your opinion, even telling her how much you think they should wait to get married. I think you’ve said enough, actually more than you should have, IMO. You don’t have to agree with your friend’s choices in order to congratulate her and be supportive.
Post # 7
I think we’re all pretty much on the same page, you’ve done your duty as a bf and I know how worrying it can be but there’s only so much you can do for someone. It’s her life and she will make the decisions that she wants, even if they aren’t necessarily ones you’d like her to make. I would just try to be as supportive as you can, so when her relationship goes either up or down (who knows it could really work!) she’ll always have you by her side.
Post # 8
Mind your business from this point. Be a friend and support her unless he’s a bad guy or Something. If it doesn’t happen and she gets hurt then still be her friend bc this doesn’t affect you.
Post # 9
Leave it alone. You will end up losing your friend over this. Just be there for her when she needs you.
Post # 9
regardless of if its too soon or not (based on everything u said, I believe it is), u already voiced ur concerns. She won’t listen. The best u can do is be there for her if/when this blows up.
Post # 11
I agree with PPs, you told her your concerns before they got engaged, and she chose to get engaged anyway. If you do or say anything more you will risk ruining your friendship. All you can, and should, do is congratulate her, be a supportive friend, and be happy for her.
Post # 12
Unfortunatly she never did respond to my letter, she told me she stared to but apparently never found the time to finish, and I’m sure now wants to ignore it and do what she wants. And you’re right, I’ve even been in a situation where the guy I was dating, my mother didn’t like and she voiced her opinion loud and clear, we had a terrible relationship for 5 years while him and I were dating, once we broke up for the 4th time or so and I realized she was partially right in her opinion on him we were able to regain a good relationship. I definitely don’t want to go through that with my best friend. I guess I’ve voiced my opinion once and that’ll be it. I don’t think it’s worth mentioning again because I don’t want to ruin our relationship. Hopefully as time goes on I can stand by her and support her 100%, as of right now it’s hard to flip a switch when I think 2 months is too soon, but I think I’ll definitely refrain from bringing up my opinion again since she obviously isn’t going to change her mind. Thanks for the advice!
Post # 13
All you can really do is be supportive of her wheither you agree with this decesion or not. If she wants to marry this guy than let her. she is an adult and she can make her own choices.
Post # 14
Good luck! I totally agree that 2 months is sooooooooooooo soon especially at 23. Just be happy for her (fake it till you make it!).
Post # 15
I agree with you that 2 months is definitely not enough time to get to know someone, even if they spend every day together. There’s a good chance that she will end up regretting getting married too soon, but it seems that nothing you say will make her change her mind. The only thing you can do now is to be a good friend and support her, despite disagreeing with her decision. Maybe if you actually meet the guy and see their relationship first hand, you’ll be more positive about their engagement. He could end up being a great guy, or an asshole, but at least you will be able to reassure your opinion or realize that you should be supportive because they’re happy together.