Post # 1
New bee here!
My feelings could be better described as being a “hater” when it comes to a couple of my friends that have gotten engaged and now planning their wedding. But before everyone starts throwing tomatos (lol), I want to be clear that I have not shown in any way the negative feelings towards these couples if for nothing else than I know that I don’t actually wish them any harm or unhappiness AND I hate that I have these knee jerk feelings/thoughts.
It is a weird feeling though. Couple #1 I was so excited that she got engaged. I like the guy and this was a long time coming. But then as all her congratulations came rolling in I couldn’t stop feeling jealous as if somehow she got more congratulations and more people in our same larger friends group to wish her well than I did. It is so petty of me to have felt this way, but I couldnt help it.
Couple #2 My immediate thoughts were like its a competition. I don’t want to feel that way! I know in the long run I’ll do what I ultimately/always wanted for my wedding. I’m not going to try to out do someone for the sake of it (not to mention most of my wedding is already solidified). I’m all about quality and have a high standard for things. I don’t know if she has these same standards, but what if they come to my wedding and think I only did certain things to out do them or thinks we were copying her? Silly thoughts, huh? I’m not too fond of the girl he has chosen to marry. Im not fond of her for totally superficial reasons, so once again I know it’s stupid of me to have a problem with her. She has abrasive in personality I find her to be obnoxious and low class wrapped in a well paying job facade. It’s one of those instances where you want better for a person like he settled because his choices were limited due to location. I know him well enough to know that he’s the kind of guy that wants to be married and have a family as soon as he can to whoever will say yes first. It’s like he is in love with the idea of it all. So I am kind of feeling weird about it.
DISCLAIMER: Im not out here to break anyone up or voice these feelings to their face. These are just feelings, not facts.
Has anyone else felt like a “hater” when it came to their own friends wedding?
Post # 2
futuremilibee: so weird I just posted something similar about a cousin who will be getting married the same month I am. I am not a hater nor jealou, but there is that little twinge that pops up whenever someone mentions her wedding then mine what she is doing then what I am doing. I received her invitati 2 days after I sent mine out and all I could do was stare at it read every line and so on. You are not alone these “feelings” happen then pass just remember at the end of your day you have your guy and happy ending.
Post # 3
I just want to say, when you have feelings like this, as much as you think you’re doing a good job hiding them, most people can pick up on your negative feelings.
Post # 4
Well, have you guys done deep contemplation on the root cause of the “hater” feelings you guys have for these individuals?
Personally I find that I am more concerned for time wasted if I start feeling these hater attitude. Whenever I do, I think, “these feelings are so useless and they take time and concentration away from something important.” I mean I could be using all that emotion for something more productive like writing, painting, or something.
Post # 5
I’m glad you’re not my “friend”.
Post # 6
a_day_at_the_fair: I totally can see what you are saying. But I would have to say that this isn’t the case with me. They cant read that inner turmoil I am feeling because I make sure they know I am happy for them; sending gifts upon learning of the engagements and everything. I do this not to over compensate, but because I know after the weddings are all over and everything is said and done that I will be mad at myself that I didnt show support when I could have. I know the crazy roller coaster engagement and wedding planning can be so I dont want to be one of those negative people on their journey. I am treating them how I want them to treat me.
Post # 7
arosebyanyothername: well jeez that wasn’t helpful at all
Post # 8
- Wedding: November 2009 - New York, NY
There are so many important and positive things in life to focus on.
Post # 9
futuremilibee: Unfortunately you’ll get a lot of backlash for this post because several posters here on WB are perfect and have never made mistakes, EVER.
Anyways, I can relate to how you feel. I’m sure others can too, but don’t want to admit it. Lots of people feel jealous from time to time. Before I got engaged, and I saw so many of my friends getting engaged, I did get a little sad. Happy for them, of course, but I really wanted that for myself too.
You just have to keep reminding yourself that your time will come. Try to be happy for your friends. What you’re feeling is ok – you can’t help how you feel. But you can help how you react to those feelings, so make sure you don’t do anything to let them know that this is how you feel.
Post # 10
futuremilibee: The only advice I have is to build a bridge.
I’ve been on the receiving end of said friendship jealousy, and I’m sure at some points I’ve dished it out too. But it’s not cool. These are your FRIENDS, you should be stoked for them. You are all engaged and planning weddings and taking steps in your lives together – enjoy it!
As for thinking it’s a competition. It’s not, and you need to get that thinking out of your head. Your wedding will be your wedding, and beautiful because of that. Their wedding will be their wedding, and beautiful because of that. Your lives will constantly move forward at similar rates, but you can’t always try to one up people. If you live your life struggling to beat people you will never stop to enjoy the moment.
Post # 11
I find her to be obnoxious and low class wrapped in a well paying job facade. It’s one of those instances where you want better for a person like he settled because his choices were limited due to location.
Read more: http://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/friend-engagementwedding-jealousy/#ixzz3blRU9ptO
Is this how you talk about a friend?
Post # 12
I used to feel that way when I was in bad relationships. Jealous of what they had, in turn because my relationship was lacking.
The more my relationship evolved with Boyfriend or Best Friend (now FI) I was way too happy to compare us with other people.
I know this may not be what you want to hear, but maybe you need to sort this out within yourself? Or counseling?
It’s bizarre to judge someone as low class with a well paying job facade And deem her unworthy based of “superficial reasons”.
This could be a great opportunity to reevaluate your thinking and do some soul searching.
Post # 13
futuremilibee: I can get where you are coming from although my situation was more with family than with friends. I come from a very large family with lots and lots of females. When I got married and engaged I barely got a compliment or a congratulations. Fast forward a year- when my cousin got married all I heard from family to my cousin where “you are so gorgeous”, “your wedding is so beautiful” and tons of facebook posts, comments, etc. I was a little hurt that my cousin got so much love for her wedding and I got essentially none. It was eye opening and I cannot help but look at my family the same.
Post # 14
OneDayMrsL: Thank you for the advice. I do appreciate it, however I want to point out that I do realize it’s not a competition and will go on with my plans as normal. It is just a feeling that I have. I do have to keep the feeling in check it comes to my mind from time to time, but it doesn’t affect my descion making.
And I am happy for couple #1, couple #2 is complicated yes. No I’m not best of buddies with his fiancee, but that could change after getting to know her better. I do think he settled, but that’s just an oppinion, which I am entitled to have. His life is not mine, his relationship doesn’t negatively affect me so at the end of the day, I am happy he is happy.
I know you are just trying to help me so please don’t take this as being mean. I just wanted to clarify because it seemed like you didnt quite take in everything I said and I would hate to be misunderstood in the original post and subsequent responses.
Post # 15
arosebyanyothername: That is to say that you’ve never thought that a person your friend was dating wasn’t a good match for them? Because that is essentially what I am describing in more words.
Hi EDubbs: I call my reasons superficial because I only know her a little bit. In our limited history she does seem obnoxious just like I described. She may be a whole other person if i spent more time with her. Matter of fact I’m sure I won’t even care if is or isnt after too long. I was just saying what my initial reactions to her were.
I do agree that I can take this opportunity to look introspectively at why I feel this way so quickly about people. I want you to know that I am not totally disregarding what you are saying. But honestly for me to take all the hypothetical blame puts his fiancee on a pedastool. If another person met her one could think “oh what a b!tch” but some where in the scheme of things I am wrong to find her obnoxious?