(Closed) Friend engagement/wedding jealousy

posted 4 years ago in Emotional
Post # 17
Member
1845 posts
Buzzing bee

futuremilibee:  Thanks for the clarification but my advice stays the same. 

You first said your immediate thoughts was that it is a competion but that you don’t feel this way – that’s what I was basing my response off. Regardless of whether you want to feel that way or not, you do, and my advice is to get over it. 

It seems to me that (whether you mean or want to) these things are coming across as a competition to you. With your first friend you said yourself that you got jealous as though they got more congratulations as you – which means you are comparing their congratulations to yours. Then you mention that you feel it’s a competition with friend 2 even though you don’t want to feel that way. Now you’re going on about how you think friend 2 could do better. What good does that serve? It just (to me) makes it seem like you don’t like that they are engaged and are trying to justify to yourself why you think your relationship is better than their’s. 

You don’t have to like friend 2’s fiance. But you should be happy for him that he is happy. He obviously loves her and wants to spend the rest of his life with her, and honestly, who are you to say he could do better – you said yourself you don’t really know her. 

Post # 18
Member
2195 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2017

I think you need to push the negative feelings out as-soon-as they happen. And also get a hobby/get busy with your own wedding. You don’t need to waste anymore time with this headspace. Quit thinking about it. Find something else to fill your time/thoughts/

Post # 19
Member
1042 posts
Bumble bee

You’re asking strangers to play hypotheticals and decide who should be put on a “pedestal”. She can be a bitch. So can you. So can I.  But out of the two of you, you are passing judgement on her on here so that leaves us to give you our two cents. That’s all. 

Post # 20
Member
1800 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

Jealousy is a normal feeling.  If you don’t act on it you aren’t doing anything wrong.  Just try to move past it for your own sake.

Post # 23
Member
2195 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2017

We all have irrational thoughts and feelings. Everyone. It’s a bummer and I’m sure soon enough you won’t be bothered by them at all.

Post # 24
Member
1845 posts
Buzzing bee

futuremilibee:  No need to feel attacked (for lack of a better word), people are just trying to help you figure out your own feelings and often that can come across as pretty blunt. 

When I said it seems you feel your relationship is better I meant it in terms of the ‘competition’ you feel and the fact he can do better. Not that you literally think you relationship is better than his. But the fact that you are using that in your justification of feeling that it’s a competition. To me it comes across as “They got engaged too but at least I’m not settling like he is”.

Post # 25
Member
1733 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

futuremilibee:  You and i are in the same boat. A good friend of mines i was excited for her to get engaged….boom she got engaged everything changed. 

I feel like she is trying to outstage me, when i was engaged before her and planning my wedding months in advace. So she got engaged this past december, and she is to be married this august 2 weeks before mines. 

I am not jaleaus or hate her i am very happy but i just cannot get pass the competition which i cannot understand.

Post # 26
Member
179 posts
Blushing bee

BMoreBecc:  Unfortunately you’ll get a lot of backlash for this post because several posters here on WB are perfect and have never made mistakes, EVER.

+1,000,000

ROFL!!

Post # 28
Member
51 posts
Worker bee

I can understand what you’re saying. My fiance and I got engaged a little over two years ago and are getting married until 9-16. There’s a reason for this, but it still sucks. In this time, I’ve had two friends get engaged and married, a cousin getting married the summer after getting proposed to over the winter, and another cousin just got engaged. I am truly happy for all of them, but I still feel jealous that they get to be married more quickly when my fiance and I have both been together longer and engaged longer. I know it’s irrational and stupid to feel this way, but I still do. It seems like you recognize that these feelings are irrational, so thats really good. Just focus on being happy for your friends when you are around them.

Post # 29
Member
5883 posts
Bee Keeper

“low class and wrapped up in a well paying job facade”  You mistakenly equate true class with how much money a person has. You also say you’re ‘all about quality and have a high standard for things’. Your high standards should be about how you treat others, not the material possessions  you possess. Not that you’re wrong to want nice things, but the emphasis you place on them turns life into a competition and this is why I think you’re having to deal with hate and jealousy instead of focusing on your own happiness.

Post # 30
Member
688 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

In terms of the imaginary wedding competition, it might help to think about your wedding as though you’re a guest who isn’t involved in wedding planning. Like, with your save the dates example, in wedding planning mode it might be natural to think, “How do mine stack up? What will people think?!?” But of course, guests will really just look at the STD, smile as they reflect on how much they care about the couple, hang it on the fridge for a bit, then recycle it. 

The competition only exists in your brain, and it can only take up as much or as little mental real estate as you allow it to, so it’s good that you’re venting this stuff here so you can let it go!

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