(Closed) Friend engagement/wedding jealousy

posted 4 years ago in Emotional
Post # 31
Member
128 posts
Blushing bee

aCOWbee: But also hypothetically speaking if person A feels person B is a horrible person. Person A never tells Person B and never knows Person A feels this way. Yes person A is judging person B but how does that hurt/change person B’s life….not at all.

I know you feel like it’s impossible that people have guessed what you’re thinking, but in my experience these things always come through in small ways. I have an engaged friend who congratulated me and sent a gift when I got engaged, but a few little looks, comments and incidents have added up to mutual friends saying to me, hey, do you ever get the feeling that X is trying to complete with you? I’ve tried to shrug it off but I’m only human, so I’ve just distanced myself from her in an attempt to keep things civil (and thus, my pissy feelings are coming through).

I will say that the negative things you said about the other person in your post appear to be indicative of particular attitudes. I think it’s one thing to say “I feel like X isn’t very nice” and rather another to say “I think X is low class” (especially juxtaposed with the self-characterisation of being a person who values “quality”). It’s possible a bunch of “Person As” in your life have picked up on those attitudes… and maybe that’s why they have congratulated you “less” than other people. Might be something to think about.

Post # 32
Member
109 posts
Blushing bee

aCOWbee:  I think your feelings are just that feelings about your current situation. There isn’t any malice behind them, you are just human. I also think that nobody can dictate how you SHOULD feel because everyone handles situations differently.

I went through something similar first of all I was engaged first after being with my SO for years. SO has a friend that has been trying to get married to someone since we met him and he introduced us to his new girlfriend (they had literally just met). Instantly she began try to “connect” with me by asking very personal questions about the wedding plans, mind you this was the first time I met her. She then went off on a rant about how she doesn’t respect women who choose their careers over having children which rubbed me the wrong way because we are CBC. Fast forward and we pick a wedding date and the entire time we were engaged she kept reiterating it was their 1 year anniversary date.  If she had mentioned it once it would of been fine but literally every time I saw her she would bring it up. It made me feel as though she didn’t let me have my “moment”. Fast forward again and now they are engaged and due to her attitude towards me I could care less. I realized that she was just competing due to her own insecurities and I don’t deal with that drama. I have been polite and helpful with her engagement, but we are not friends. 

I think it is important that you have recognized your feelings now it is just a matter of moving past them. I’m not sure what route you will decide to take but for me I focused on my own things and just let it go.  Life is too short.

Post # 34
Member
1488 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

RobbieAndJuliahaha:  I think her point was the opposite (well-paying job does not = class)

Post # 35
Member
132 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

I didn’t read all of the comments on this but I couldnt close the topic without saying something.

I read the part where you said something along the lines of ‘shes low class with a well paid job’

Who exactly do you think you are, and who are you to judge someone like that????

In my opinion, the people who come from a less fortunate background and yet they work hard to make it in life are way better than the people who were born into money, had every oppertunity given to them on a plate.

My advice to you is to take a long hard look at yourself, why are you being so spiteful? Are you insecure about yourself?  Do you not get enough love at home? This is something you should discuss with a shrink. Good Luck!

Post # 37
Member
275 posts
Helper bee

aCOWbee:  

I was on the other end of this.

I was engaged for 6 months or so (family & close people knew since day 1) before some relatives found out and a few of them were quite jealous of me for being very young (compared to them) and marrying ‘out of my league’. I didn’t want to tell because some of them just got engaged/married so I didn’t want to steal anyone’s thunder and I knew their reaction wouldn’t all be positive.

One of them went as far as making sure my close aunt didn’t attend my wedding by bringing my aunt (her mother) for a trip that clashes with my wedding. Keep it mind she’s over 30+ (more than 10 years older than me) and just got married this year, she’s jealous that I’m getting married at a far younger age than her and didn’t attend her wedding (it was out of my hands for that).

 

Surprisingly, it didn’t hurt me that she did what she did. I thought it was sad of them that my relatives couldn’t be genuinely happy for me, and it definitely was one of the stamps that sealed my decision to live my own life without caring for any of their thoughts because they hold little to no regard of me. I cannot continue to please them at the expense of my happiness. 

 

I was also on your end, but not really feeling jealous, more like feeling it was unfair.

 

We were in a ldr for over 1 year and half then getting engaged. Some friends of his made comments that they thought we were a bit quick to get engaged (they thought we were only together for a year thanks to a friend’s misinformation) or this lady that barely knows my husband even went ahead and told my husband that she is worried for our relationship because I am not a Christian after she found out we were engaged, I also think that she thinks I’m in this for a visa, not love. But they also have friends that got engaged within 6 months and married then next 3, or just the other day, there’s a couple they all know that got engaged after 11 months. Yet the response isn’t the same.

I feel it’s unfair because we were in a ldr which is tougher than a normal close distance relationship, and also, because I am not a Christian, therefore our relationship is judged harsher than the rest who are Christians from the same church. It is as though because I’m not a Christian, our choice in getting married is not as trustworthy or well thought out as the rest. As if all marriages that ends in divorce consists of only non Christians. And it isn’t Christian of them to be judging our relationship anyway.

As unfair as it is, it is life, and life is unfair. So I express my thoughts to my husband and continue with our lives. Oh well. C’est la vie. We can’t help to feel what we feel, but we can certainly help with what we want to do next.

 

Post # 38
Member
241 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

I know the feeling. Its a little off topic but I’ve been ttc for a couple of months when out of the blue my friend who has always made me feel like she wants to compete with me calls and says she’s pregnant from a one night stand. A part of me felt so jealous and sad. But I was very supportive and want to be there for her. Then I found out I was pregnant 2 weeks after she told me. I want to share this with her and have a pregnancy buddy but a part of me feels like she’ll think I’m stealing her spotlight. Plus I feel like she’s always going to pick everything first so I don’t pick something she likes first. I’ve just decided to tell her and not care how she feels about it. If she’s my friend then she’ll embrace the fact that she’ll have someone to do this with. So same feelings your having but different situations.

Post # 39
Member
622 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

I’ll say that I do applaud you for admitting those feelings.  We all have issues with feelings of insecruity, jealousy etc — so since you know those feelings you relly have to find a way to move past them.  Remember –  you can’t control anyone else but yourself.  

Good luck!

Post # 40
Member
109 posts
Blushing bee

The way I interpreted the context of low class was not her social status or background but just having an abrasive personality. Not all personalities jive with each other so there is no need for all the negativity. Judging and bias are all part of everyone whether you want to admit it or not. The fact that OP has recognized her feelings is a good step. Some people actually act on their feelings and are plain nasty. There is a difference.

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