(Closed) Friend for years/ really flaky- should I still ask her to be my BM?

posted 6 years ago in Bridesmaids
  • poll: Should I still ask her (vote on multiple choices please)
    No: flaky friend = flaky BM. Save yourself the stress and give her a different task : (4 votes)
    44 %
    Yes: But be prepared for similar incidents that she pulled at the bff's wedding/ planning : (2 votes)
    22 %
    Have them BOTH as BM's so they will be together (and deal with it) : (2 votes)
    22 %
    Have them BOTH as hostesses/ ect so they will be together : (0 votes)
    Have friend #1 as a BM, and friend #2 as a hostess/ different task : (1 votes)
    11 %
  • Post # 3
    Member
    1736 posts
    Bumble bee

    As other threads have suggested, weddings (especially YOUR wedding) will magnify the problems you already have. The things you watched her do as part of this other wedding party – if you put yourself in the brides shoes…how would it have made you feel? Would you have been angry/frustrated/upset? If yes – you’re probably better off not including her. It seems like it’s just a recipe for disaster, IMO.

    Post # 4
    Member
    1375 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: September 2012

    IF you ask her, know that it will not changer her personality in any way.  If she is a flakey friend, she will be a flakey bridesmaid.

    Post # 5
    Member
    3265 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: February 2014

    @MsMindle:  This.

    All I could think the entire time reading this is how much you’re going to regret asking her.

    Post # 6
    Member
    338 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: October 2012

    @MsMindle:  You have a point. But I think if it’s important for you to have her standing next to you on your wedding day, ask her to be a Bridesmaid or Best Man. Just don’t expect her to be very reliable up until then. I personallyhave to do something similar to this and I’m okay with it because I have other ladies I can rely on. 

    Post # 7
    Member
    252 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: August 2012

    One of my BMs is this way, but I knew this when I asked her and was prepared to pickup the slack at anytime. She means well, but yes, I did have to buy her dress and jewelry and so forth. And forget her helping plan or anything else. To me, it was ok, because I knew going into it that this could happen. My other two BMs are really helpful, and I am glad to have all 3 standing with me. It works out. My advice is to think about whether you can handle that, and if you DO ask her, DO NOT get angry if she acts like her flaky self. As far as talking to her, I wouldn’t. It isn’t necessary and I think she will feel picked on.  Either ask her and your other friend, and be ok with her flakiness, or just have your sister. 

    Post # 8
    Member
    4193 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: July 2012 - Baltimore Museum of Industry

    If you ask her, you have to be prepared that she will, as you said, break every rule in the book. 

    Your wedding planning will be a lot less stressful if your sister is your only attendant. I don’t see friend #2 as bridesmaid being without complications, unfortunately. They can still be involved with planning, helping you shop for your dress, etc. 

    Personally, if I was going to a wedding across country and had to pay for the flight, I would be much happier not having to pay the extra $300+ to be a bridesmaid. I’m having two attendants- #2 only had her family in her wedding, and everyone was fine with that.

    Post # 10
    Member
    2232 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: September 2012

    From personal experience, I would not. People’s personalities don’t change, they’re only magnified by a wedding. If you can handle her doing what she did at your friend’s wedding (or more/worse) then, go ahead.

    Post # 11
    Member
    539 posts
    Busy bee

    @coffeeplease:  My motto, if you have doubts before asking them to be in your wedding…you probably shouldn’t ask them.

    Post # 12
    Member
    254 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: September 2012

    No. Don’t ask someone who is flaky to be your bridesmaid..it’ll magnify all the issues when it comes for her to fulfill her duties… you will regret it or get upset. Leave her to be the sweet flakey friend…not remebered as the bridesmaid who caused you more stress and then you leave a post on this board asking how to salvage the friendship.Smile

    Post # 13
    Member
    254 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: September 2012

    OP, can you just limit the bridal party and give an excuse its due to budget? Make up some excuse, like your mom only wants you to have one bridal person..your Fiance can’t get two people..something.

    Post # 14
    Member
    452 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: May 2013

    @coffeeplease:  I think that if you want her up there with you then you should ask her knowing she will likely put you through the same things you observed her put your friend #1 through.  Along the same lines, I’m hoping your friend #1 who’s on top of things will help buffer some like you did for her (dress, jewelry). 

    If you can take her antics/cluelessness with a grain of salt it may work out.  If you’re not the type of person who can let those things go then I wouldn’t ask her to be a Bridesmaid or Best Man and make them likek usherettes or readers and they can wear corsages or still carry bouqets for photos maybe?

    Post # 15
    Member
    9053 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper
    • Wedding: June 2010

    @coffeeplease:  You could ask her going in with wide open eyes that you have to keep your expectations low.  If she doesnt have self awareness of how selfish her actions are (and that’s what I chalk flakiness up to – a straight inability to see past your own convenience) she’s not going to change since its obviouslyworking for her.  If your wedding is not the time you want to take on the stress of picking up her slack or fighting with her I wouldn’t ask her. 

    I would still ask the friend who’s proven herself to be reliable.  Flakey friend probably doesn’t want to do t anyway and may be relieved to be left out. And even of she does want to do it, people like that need to learn the consequences of being unreliable is that people stop trusting you to be reliable. She may be hurt, but I’d be more upset if I was your other friend that’s essentially being left out as punishment for someone else’s actions. 

    Post # 16
    Member
    1736 posts
    Bumble bee

    @allegrovivo:  I agree with this. If it’s important to you to have her there, then by all means, ask her to be a Bridesmaid or Best Man.

    @ All: I, too have some BM’s that are more involved than others, but I do not have any that would flake on something like my rehearsal dinner or rely on the other BM’s to find her a dress and jewelry. That would be something that would upset me and I know it would cause tension between me and the ‘maid. But only you can decide how much you can handle and how important she is to you!

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