(Closed) Friend gave overly generous gift – Help!

posted 7 years ago in Gifts and Registries
Post # 3
Member
313 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

Gifts are given from the heart, not with strings. If there are strings attached, then it was never a true gift to begin with. I say all of that to say, that you should be happy to have such a good friend — even if she’s not the closest — because those are few and far between. You should give what you can. There is no reason to give her the exact amount that she gave you. If half makes you comfortable, then so be it.

Post # 4
Member
995 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2009

While I agree with @EsqBailey: , if I could afford to give her the same amount of money, I would. But that’s just me. You don’t say how much she gave you (and it doesn’t really matter) but maybe the amount she gave you is the norm in her family or area and its just not in your’s. We always give $200.00 at weddings and sometimes we give more if its someone really close but I know that not everyone I know does that. Just do whatever feels right to you and don’t feel weird or guilty etc. She obviously cares a lot about you 🙂

Post # 5
Member
313 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

Perhaps where I’m stuck, and you can certainly help me to see if there are flaws in this, Kelmac, is that if she gives what the giftor gave then isn’t that essentially a loan? I have friends that make substantially less than I do and I wouldn’t consider it a gift if they gave me money in the same amount that I gave them only one month later.

Post # 6
Member
464 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

I have a friend who is in a culture like that, unfortunatly her wedding was first and I didnt know. I usually give $50-$100/ person I am bringing (100 if I am invited, all the way to the whole family I bring $300+, my kids are young, but still cost them money and I am greatful they include them) I was talking to Future In-Laws and found out most gave MIN $200/person!!! She was still very gracious, and sent me a wonderful thank you card. If she was upset about our gift I would have heard about it (close set of friends) I think even if it is their culture they understand it isnt ours. If they dont, then honestly you shouldnt feel like you have to give the same amount.

Post # 7
Member
995 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2009

@EsqBailey: I see what you are saying but i don’t see it that way. It is the norm in my group of friends to give $200. It would feel weird to me to get a $200 gift from a friend and then give her a different amount (like $175 or $225) just so that it seems like it wasn’t a “loan” and I was being different. I have friends as well who make substantially less than me and I would be happy with whatever they gave me. However, regardless of the gift I would still consider it “a gift” because they wanted me to have it. Obviously I wouldn’t want them to not be able to pay rent so that they could give me a gift…but then again I think my friends are smart enough to only give what they can afford, whatever that may be. I don’t really think I am wording my response very well Laughing

Post # 8
Member
5546 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: December 2011

Wow, I must be a crappy friend. My old roommare just got married and I bought $50 worth of towels (2 sets) off their registry and thought it was alot. Of course I bet you all are real “adults” with full time jobs not broke college kids. I hope my guests are as generous as you are!

OP: If you can’t afford to give as much as your friend did, don’t. If she gave you a big gift in the hope of a return gift as big, that seems silly and immature. Give what you are comfortable giving. 

Post # 8
Member
313 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

@kelmac: No, actually I think you did. I think essentially we are saying the same thing, in essence, which is to give what you can afford or what you would ordinarily give without obligation to give as extravagantly as the person who previously made a gift to you.

I just couldn’t wrap my head around giving the same amount. Which isn’t to say that I would necessarily go up or down a bit to be different at all. If my friend gave me $1000 and I could afford to give it back, it would still seem weird to me that we are exchanging $1000 checks within one month of each other, custom or not. It’s even more odd to me to do so when you don’t have the means to do it because then there was no gift in the first place. I think it’s me overthinking it though.

Post # 9
Member
313 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

@chasesgirl: When I was in college, $50 was a month of groceries. You did good!

Post # 10
Member
2584 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

@chasesgirl: There’s nothing wrong with this at all. I’m in college and am pretty much in the negative. My parents refuse to allow me to buy them or any family Christmas or birthday gifts, they say that they’d rather me complete my education. I think that giving generously within our means is what counts, and it sounds like you did just that 🙂

OP, I’d give whatever you planned on giving her originally. It was a gift to you, and not a loan. Give what you can afford and what you are comfortable with, as though the weddings were much farther apart. That’s what I would do, anyway.

Post # 11
Member
3267 posts
Sugar bee

You should not give gifts based on what other people give.  It shouldn’t even enter into it.  You give the gift you want, and that is that. 

People give what they can afford.  For them it was clearly an amount they can afford.  I would never want to receive a gift that someone felt obligated to give.  It should be done freely.

Post # 12
Member
1066 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

Just my opinion, but if you are worried about insulting her, I think it’s actually SAFER to give her the same amount.  Giving her far less would be considered more insulting I think than matching what she gave, because it’s not like she knows what you typically give at weddings vs what she gives.  If she was generous to you, it would be *nice* to be generous to her in return.  Just saying.

Post # 13
Member
994 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

Does she and her husband make significantly more money than you/your Fiance do? I did have a situation where we gave a friend what I’d consider a standard $ amount and she told me twice, in person, how grateful and shocked she and Fiance were and she stressed that they were going to put it to good use. But honestly, we are just in a better position financially and career-wise and it didn’t seem extravagant to us.

Now it’s our turn to get married and I would never, ever expect them to give the same amount. Hope that helps.

Post # 14
Member
269 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2012

Cash her check and put it right back in the card you are going to give her! 😉

You’d be losing out on the cash from her, but you won’t be breaking the bank…essentially you are breaking even!

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