(Closed) Friend going to start IVF

posted 4 years ago in TTC
Post # 2
Member
4575 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

ccc_red:  Its very sweet of you to watch for her feelings.  I personally never shared my struggles with anyone IRL, but one thing I never liked to hear people say its “to relax” or “it will happen when its meant to be”… you can ask if its okay to know when the important dates are, so you can cheer her up on those dates, like egg retrieval, and wish her luck and tell her you are thinking of her.  Ask her if she needs anything at all.  I wish her the best of luck and if you want to sent her over here, you could.  The 1+thread is a great group.  The women there are the best to talk to.

Post # 3
Member
1915 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2013 - backyard in the woods

It’s awesome that you’re asking this. Honestly, ask your friend what she is comfortable with. Some women want to talk about it, others don’t want to talk at all. My best advice would be to be available if she needs to talk, don’t be afraid to ask questions about the process, but don’t be nosy. Gauge how much she wants to share.

IVF takes longer than many people imagine and when people ask how it’s going too often it just reminds me how slow it is. IVF is also not a miracle cure. Sometimes IVF takes many tries to work and sometimes it will never work no matter how many tries you give it. If her IVF fails a simple ‘That sucks; I’m so sorry’ is the best thing you can say. Saying things like ‘It wasn’t meant to be or ‘It’ll work next time’ are dismissive of her pain.

Here’s some info for starting out:

http://www.resolve.org/national-infertility-awareness-week/25-things-to-say-and-not-to-say.html

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/dr-angeline-beltsos/17-things-not-to-say-to-people-with-infertility—-and-what-to-do-instead_b_6194688.html

 

Post # 4
Member
1310 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2015

MrsR4ever:  I totally agree with this…hearing “Relax” and “it’ll happen when it’s meant to” makes me want to punch people in the face!!

Also, like PP’s have said…so sweet of you to even care to post this!!!

Post # 5
Member
1832 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

I’ve gone through several cycles of IVF and I agree with Mrs.R4ever, most importantly just listen to what she’s going through and if you can educate yourself a bit on the basic terminology/procedure (nothing more frustrating then someone not having a clue and asking misinformed questions) She’s not going to expect you to relate but understand it is an emotional roller coaster. 

Post # 6
Member
1689 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2016

My bff would ask how it’s going and understood if I didn’t come out or if I pulled away.

When I miscarried, she came over with flowers and a card, asked me how I was (I don’t like talking until after stuff passes) and just sat with me for a couple of hours. 

You know your friend best. If she’s one who doesn’t talk, just let your presence be known. A card sent to her, or a text saying you’re thinking of her would go a long way! If she likes to talk, then bring it up. But sometimes just the presence of someone who loves you is enough. 

If she pulls away, let her but reach out after several days. Don’t withdraw just because you don’t know what to say. Going through IVF already makes you broken in a way and its sooooo stressful. Again, I don’t talk but it my friends are going through something, I will honestly say “I don’t know what to say (because I really don’t) but I’m here”.

Post # 7
Member
1832 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

We were replying at the same time but Aqualove nailed it!

Post # 8
Member
253 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

You are such a sweet friend! So few people would think to ask this.

As an IVF veteran myself, the best way people can be supportive is just to be there, ask gentle questions, and *not* complain about their own kids / pregnancy.

Just asking how your friend is doing can go a long, long way. IVF is a long, emotionally battering process. You are a great friend!

Post # 9
Member
1149 posts
Bumble bee

I would simply keep it at how’s it going or how are you.  A family member is going through the second round of IVF and is under a lot of pressure lately.  Mostly by the not so tactful ladies that ask her is she pregnant yet or trying to force advice down her throat.  She told me she wish she never told people so they don’t hawk her and gossip and she’s exhausted about giving people the bad news when it doesn’t work.  She doesn’t mind talking about it with me because I don’t force my opinions on her or tell her “its a shame that it didn’t work” – as if she didn’t know that already.

Honestly just be there to listen to her. If she wants to talk about it, she will. If she doesn’t, thats her choice also.

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