Friend got drunk and mean

posted 3 months ago in Relationships
Post # 31
Member
1505 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2017

Ok, not my proudest moment, but I have been blackout drunk once during a big group study abroad trip in college. I can say that I have very few brief flashes of memories but had seriously zero control over myself and what I did for a period of several hours. And during this period, I did things that I wouldn’t normally do sober. As in, I yelled at a bartender and made our with a total stranger who, to this day, I have no idea what he looks like/who he was (and he was the second guy I had kissed in my life). I’m not excusing her, but it’s hard to say if she secretly hates you if she was potentially blacked out and 1000% had no idea what was going on. If she was in fact this drunk.

 

That said, I like the advice of other bees that if you could consider she really was out of her mind, I’d continue the friendship sans alcohol. You could probably feel her out better that way. Some people are just mean drunks unfortunately :/.

Post # 32
Member
585 posts
Busy bee

Yeah, I would have some serious doubts about continuing this friendship. 

That being said, some people just are angry drunks. Those people shouldn’t drink. If Emily can’t help turning into a mean and vile person while drinking, she should definitely scale way back on the alcohol consumption. If you really want to maintain the friendship just avoid going to events with her that ibnvolve drinking, and I would tell her so. “Sorry, you are really mean when drinking and I don’t appreciate it”

Also, this is more at Emily, being falling down drunk in public (especially during the day) is BEYOND mortifying, I can’t believe that’s a behaviour she wants to continue. 

Post # 33
Member
1891 posts
Buzzing bee

limelemonlime :  Personally i don’t want friends that get sloppy drunk anymore. Im done with the phase in my life that requires me to babysit drunk people. Just not my thing anymore. So if i were you I would just be more careful about when and how you hangout with her. Maybe limit the things you do with her that involve you being alone with her, and or being alone and drinking at events etc. Join her and her girlfriends when they go out. Do girls nights at her house, just try to stay away from situations that are like this last one, and or situations where you would be solely responsible for her if she got drunk again. 

Id say, if it happens again then its a pattern and you can take it from there and either limit your friendship even more, or cut it off completely. Being drunk isn’t an excuse to be an asshole. At 34 myself, i no longer want to even put myself in a situation where I could say something i regret, or don’t remember, or just a dangerous situation for me. So I don’t drink to get drunk anymore. I still have a blast, but im past the drunk stage in my life. Friendships are supposed to support each other’s lifestyle. Maybe you two are just at two different points and it isn’t good for either of you. Also, i am a big fan of the saying, you are who your friends are. OR, you are who you surround yourself with. A friend who makes you look bad, isn’t something you should have in your life. 

Post # 34
Member
1229 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2016

rosadiaz :  I’m the same way – when I drink too much I blackout (completely) and turn really mean and aggressive that would literally try to fight people for another drink. I finally came to the same hard conclusion as you, that I will never be a fun drunk… so I don’t get drunk anymore. I’ll drink, but never more then 2-3 drinks nursed over an entire evening. 

College (and immediate post-college) me took a long time to accept this realization and I hurt A LOT of people in the process. I’m fortunate that many of my friends saw this split-personality and stuck by me, but they were also pretty clear with me that my behavior was reckless and dangerous. I just didn’t want to hear them.

It was only once I was with my now-husband and was hurting him that I realized how destructive this behavior was and essentially stopped partying/binge drinking from then on.

OP – it sounds to me like this girl is an out of control drunk. I would address it with her (in that you let her know that you felt her behavior was hurtful), and then make a decision for you personally as to whether you enjoy her company enough sober to maintain the friendship with sober her. I’d avoid all drinking events with her until she comes to hte conclusion that she should severely limit or stop drinking all together.

However, also totally fair if you say that this isn’t a friendship you want to continue. Drunk-her may not be the same personality as sober-her, but that doesn’ tmean she shouldn’t be held accountability for allowing herself to get so drunk that the mean/aggressive reaction occurs. 

Post # 35
Member
383 posts
Helper bee

I’ve seen perfectly nice people turn into aggressive and mean people when drunk, and rarely in my experience did they truly mean what they said. It was more just lashing out, often out of low self esteem, jealousy, or other personal issues. I don’t think she secretly thinks all of these nasty things about you all the time, I think she was just drunk and being mean.

But I think only you can decide whether you want to continue the friendship and focus on sober activities only, or if you want to end it. In my opinion, both are reasonable courses of action given the circumstances.

Post # 36
Member
2917 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2018

I would probably want to sit down and tell her exactly what she said, and just ask her if there’s any truth to those statements and let her know she hurt your feelings. Getting drunk and not remembering your behavior doesn’t give you a pass, she needs to be told exactly what happened and called out. There are consequences to our actions.

She might not admit to her statements being how she really feels, but she deserves to feel like shit over how she behaved. 

Post # 37
Member
289 posts
Helper bee

I would probably just try to hang out with Emily at non-drinking events. It sounds like otherwise you have a lot of fun. 

Obviously we all speak from our own experiences, but my sister, who is the loveliest person on the planet, is Jekyll and Hyde when she drinks too much. She will yell, swear at you, call you really mean names, throw food at you that you are trying to feed her… Anyways, my sister has realized that she can’t drink too much or her evil alter-ego comes out, but in the past when we’ve had experiences she was mortified and apologized.

Post # 38
Member
1215 posts
Bumble bee

I was Maid/Matron of Honor at a wedding where one of the guests got horrifically drunk. She almost got the entire wedding kicked out of the venue by the owner but as a compromise I volunteered to take her home (keep in mind this was halfway through the evening and again, I was MOH). Getting her home was nightmarish – she was aggressive (verbally and at times looked like she could get physical), she was uncooperative and unruly (she threw her purse into the dock and I, in my bridal party finery, had to lay on the pier and fish it out), she almost vomited in the cab and had to be carried to her apartment by my husband. We were beat and ended up just going home instead of returning to the wedding. A couple days later, I contacted the bride to explain why I’d left early (we miraculously managed to shield her from the drama that evening) and she reached out to the friend, to check in. Far from apologizing, the friend tried to laugh it off as a wild night and wanted to make plans to hang out in the future. She almost got the entire wedding *kicked out of the venue* and tried to make it into a “haha I was SO drunk last night, that was wild! So, catch up next week?” I think that may have been the last time my friend spoke to her – certainly I never heard about this woman again from my friend.

Your situation is not as egregious of course, but the casual dismissal of terrible behavior would make me seriously consider keeping someone like that in my circle. Sure you could arrange to only do sober activities with her, but who wants to micromanage their friendships like that? You should be able to invite her to anything and trust she will behave herself, not worry if someone breaks out the vodka.

Post # 39
Member
712 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2015 - Backyard

People who have a bad relationship with alcohol yet continue to drink are stupid. I would not be friends with someone like that. Annoying. I would just ghost her. 

Post # 40
Member
1589 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2019 - City, State

I’m not even going to touch on whether or not a part of her believes the things she said when she was drunk, the real issues in my mind are:

1. She was actively looking to get plastered at a public event in the middle of the day.

2. She showed absolutely no remorse for her behavior or drinking so much, and it seems like this is not uncommon for her. 

I have no desire, time, or room in my life for friends who behave like college aged party kids. That is apparently her idea of a fun time – it is definitely not mine, and I just could never look at her the same way again. I’d be out.

Post # 41
Member
413 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2019

Like some PP, I will also admit that I am an angry drunk. I unfortunately black out very easily, and on a few occasions I apparently was very mean to my now-husband. I told him things like I didn’t want to be with him or marry him, and apparently I told him that he was a piece of shit a couple times. These are things that I didn’t mean and I certainly don’t think them on any subconscious level normally, so I have no idea why I said those things or where they came from. I’m not even an aggressive or confrontational person normally, so it was very jarring to hear about my behavior in that state. I think there is some correlation to when I have higher levels of stress/anxiety/insecurity, but that’s no excuse.

Even though I had no recollection of these incidents, it was obviously very hurtful to my husband and it made me scared of myself and what I might do if things escalate and get worse. So my solution was to simply cut back on my alcohol consumptiion so that there isn’t even a chance of blacking out and having that happen. There have been no further incidents, and I’m very thankful that my husband was understanding and forgiving of the few times that happened.

It’s a little concerning that your friend tried to brush off her behavior though. Not sure if she’s just ashamed and embarrassed and trying to downplay it, or if she truly doesn’t understand the severity of what happened. This should be a wake-up call for her. She needs to understand that she will ruin her relationships with other people if she continues like this. I would maybe give her another chance, but if this scenario repeats itself, then tell her that you don’t want to be friends with her anymore until she straightens out. She needs to understand that just because she doesn’t remember, other people do, and her behavior still has consequences.

Post # 42
Member
990 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2016

Late 20s is too old for that kind of crap and you haven’t been friends for that long. I would just be done with her. Who cares if she doesn’t remember it? She needs to apologize and maybe try to listen to what she said so she can do some soul searching and figure out where it comes from. She sounds deeply troubled and I am shocked you took it for the entirety of the evening. I probably would have left her there when she started being rude.

Post # 43
Member
902 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

If you have hung out together 100 hundred other times and she eff’d up this once, I wouldn’t give up on her quite yet!  I

Post # 45
Member
3023 posts
Sugar bee

limelemonlime :  you handled it really well. Probably better than most.

if i really liked this girl and her friendship, id tell her what she said and give a chance to address it. 

if she laughs it off in a “oh i was drunk so who cares kind of way” i would probably let this friendship fade out. 

If she is sincerely apologizing then there may be something left to salvage. I mean, you sort of talked to her about it but i would be clear that it wasnt a laughing matter and you feel hurt. 

I dont think everyone means what they say when drunk – there *can* be truth to it but there also can be a lot of nonsense. I’d be inclined to let this go if it was a one off and she never got plastered like that again around me, but i cant say we’d be *as* close as before. 

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