(Closed) Friend got engaged and I'm depressed over that and other things

posted 4 years ago in Emotional
Post # 31
Member
174 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2016 - The White Barn

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cecnas :  I would never think that seeking help for your mental health is weakness. One of the most difficult things that I had to do is realize that my mind isn’t well and that I need help. I think it takes a good bit of courage to make that realization. Just my 2 cents.

Post # 32
Member
118 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: November 2016

Just adding a different take to it. Please no mean comments. I am a bride and I am dealing with a friend who accepted being a bridesmaid and I think looking back she should have respectfully declined. I get where the OP is coming from as not being “happy” due to her own situation. But honestly when a friend gets married this is the one time in her life that she should be center stage. Not saying obnoxious, but its her day. And if you cannot fully support her and genuinely be happy for her. You have to step away. As trust me when I say it will cost so much more damage down the line that you may not even predict. Everyone thinks that they can keep their feelings in check, but sometimes mannerisms and comments etc. do more damage than they think they do.

There is nothing wrong with working on yourself first. So that you can continue to be there for your friend even if its not in the way as a bridesmaid. 

I do not think my friendship with said friend will ever be the same. And it is so sad. I cannot imagine her not being at my wedding but I am now in the position of possibly telling her that she cannot come. And it is killing me that things have got this way. I wish that she had just said no at the beginning. 

Good luck!

Post # 33
Member
823 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

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cecnas :  I don’t know if what I’m about to say will help but I really hope it does in some way. The following is about mine and DH’s experience so I hope it doesn’t come across as self involved. I don’t know if I can offer more practical advice outside of support groups, counselling, helplines for anonymous chats…which have helped both of us but I saw from your other posts that you would find them difficult at the moment

DH felt the same way as you did about six years ago, just before we met. He has Becker Muscular Dystrophy, a rare degenerative condition. He was using one stick at the time and is now using two sticks and a wheelchair. Soon he will be using a wheelchair permanently.

Our love is so strong because of the extra amount of intimacy we share (with his self care, using the bathroom etc) finding humour in challenging situations, and also figuring things out as a team all the time – every part of his life is hard so if we fall out, we have to forgive and move on fast. We’re strong willed people so that took some getting used to!

It is also strong because we fancy the pants off each other and we connect on an artistic, sensitive and affectionate level.

He thought after his last long term relationship ended that he would be forever single, that he would never find someone. When he first told me this, he meant it. I find that impossible to believe because he’s the best person I’ve ever met. His name is Matthew which means ‘Gift of God’ and that says it all for me.

 

Post # 34
Member
79 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

Speaking as someone with a disability and my own negative demons… you have to know your own happiness. A lot of your posts are you placing negative barriers in your own way. That’s not a criticism,  I have spent many years battling with the same and to some extent always will. You sound as though you feel powerless but only YOUR actions can change things for you. You cannot spend your life telling yourself you’re ugly and helpless otherwise you’re going to spend your one chance at life feeling that way and Bee, ain’t no one getting out of here alive.

 

You can’t change your past relationships. But you can learn from them and know not what to repeat.  You cannot alter your disability so please be KIND to yourself. There’s no point drowning in what you cannot change or focusing on what you don’t have yet. Make a plan  to fill your life with hobbies and people.  Don’t make your one existence about what you don’t have. You’re here. You’ve survived another day. You’re already stronger than you know. 

Allow yourself to live. Let everything else come. You have to be happy with you before anyone else can be Bee. And I promise you,  you can be happy  Just give yourself a break.  You won’t get anywhere fighting against yourself. 

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