(Closed) Friend had affair- what to do?

posted 6 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
7587 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2010

@guitargirl:  I think it’s always best to be honest and express your feelings. You may want to tell her your concerns and see how she responds. 

I wouldn’t distrust my friend, based what she did to someone else. It takes 2 to tango and their was obviously something between them both.

Post # 4
3182 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

She has already acknowledged that she made a mistake by having the affair and it sounds like she is experiencing the full negative effects of that decision.  I think all you need to do now is be someone she can talk to.  Being another voice telling her how much she screwed up isn’t going to enlighten her in any way and would probably just make her question your friendship. 

Post # 5
1798 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

Your friend is probably getting judgement from many people in her life right now. I doubt she needs more of it. Try to be supportive and listen to her feelings. Regardless of the fact that her problems are her fault, her life is crashing down around her and she will need support to get back on her feet. I know that what she did was horrible, but give her the chance to recover from her mistake.

Post # 6
284 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I know that she made a really bad choice, but it seems she knows that, too. At this point, I’d be a listening ear for her. You don’t have to condone what she did in order to be there for her — everyone makes mistakes, and I’m sure she’d be really grateful to have someone she could go to who wouldn’t judge her while she’s struggling.

Post # 7
2747 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

I agree with pps. =)  

Post # 8
14568 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

Agree with PP.  It’s not your place to really *do* anything but to be there for her as a friend.  I know it sucks to learn someone could cheat and you may first think they are such a horrible person and be “torn” on whether to see them or not, but at the end of the day, they are still the same friend  you knew before that got into bad situation and feels awful about it.  Don’t dismiss her now when she needs you most.

Post # 9
1542 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

@guitargirl:  I understand your point, sometimes is hard to be friends with someone whose behaviour you don’t approve. You’re wondering where does she draw the line as for what’s acceptable or not to do to a friend, not just cheating.

It might be one of those cases when you know people feel gulty just cause they got caught.

What to do depends on how close you areand how you feel about this. Do you feel like being around her? Maybe if you tell her you dont support her attitude towards this she will stop talking to you about the situation, some conversations are hard to handle.

Post # 10
2442 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

You don’t do anything.  However, I wouldn’t be hanging out with her if her attitude is the way you say it is.  I’d tell her that I don’t sympathize with her and she will have to reap what she has sown.  If she wants to live “right” from this point on and needs your friendship and help to do that, great!  If she wants your friendship so she has someone on her side, I wouldn’t hang out with her.  It is a matter of principle.  

Post # 11
1109 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

I’m going to sound mean but I would be very cautious about continuing a friendship with her. I had a friend who slept with her friend’s boyfriend and had an ongoing relationship with him for a long time. I always told myself she would never do that to me and that our friendship was more important to her than that, and I stuck up for her even though Darling Husband said he didn’t like her. Well one night she say my husband (SO at the time) out at a bar and tried to get his number and said she had something important to talk to him about the next day, which I know is like her “pick up” line. Darling Husband called me and told me on the drive home because he was so mad and wanted to prove to me she couldn’t be trusted. When I confronted her about it she said she wanted to call him and talk about me and see how our relationship was going. yahhhh

I was totally floored by how much this hurt me. I was upset with her but more than anything I was just incredibly hurt. I really thought I meant more to her than that. Looking back I wish I had seen her for what she is. Your friend doesn’t sound remorseful about this, and she’s even calling this woman names…

I understand a lot of people take the stance of not basing your opinion of people on what they’ve done to others, but I firmly believe that they will do it to you just as easily as they do it to anyone else. I’d seriously watch my back with this person, you may be seeing her true colors for the first time. I’m not saying she’ll go for your husband, I just mean she could really let you down too. I’d probably just tell her I can’t listen to her complain about it anymore to be honest, or ask how she feels about how this has affected other people. She doesn’t need to be crucified for her poor judgement, but she should show SOME evidence that she doesn’t think it was ok and wouldn’t do it again.

Post # 12
4518 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

I think you can tell her that she’s got to own up to her own role in creating the mess she’s in, while still being a supportive, non-judgmental friend. Part of being a good friend is letting a friend know when she’s off-base…tough love, right?

Post # 13
4477 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

Eh, she doesn’t need support for doing something destructive and hurtful to others.  I don’t think you need to lecture her, but if she starts the “poor me” business, just tell her you don’t want to hear about it.

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