Post # 1
- Wedding: February 2017 - City, State
Apologies if this is long…
My friend has been married for 5 years and has never cheated or even really had any close male friends. Over the past 6 months or so she has confessed to me about feeling generally ‘bored’ as she is settled in life with a job, mortgage etc. She has also said she has felt unhappy in her marriage due to her husband not paying her any attention/compliments and not wanting to do anything, go out for drinks, go for a meal, anything really, and he often goes to bed super early so hasn’t been spending time with her at home after work either. She has spoken to him about this, expressed her feelings but it seems to have fallen on deaf ears, or he makes an effort for a few days then goes back to normal. We have a girls night out around once a month or so and she admits that she enjoys getting attention and compliments from other men because its lacking at home but she has never expressed a desire to cheat.
Anyway… On a girls night out about a month ago we got chatting to a few blokes, it was clear one of them ‘liked’ my friend and offered to buy her a drink. We said no thanks and moved on to the next place, when we got home she looked him up on social media and messaged him. After chatting for about a week, all just about careers, hobbies etc, nothing flirty definitely no sexting or anything like that, he was wanting to meet up. She told him at this point that she had a partner, he was a bit surprised but still chatting and saying he was happy to be friends. At this point she also told her husband about this new friend and he said he was fine with it. Another week or so later and he evidently wasnt fine with it, had a go at her saying she was naive for thinking he just wanted friendship and that she was being disrespectful to him by chatting to this guy. Theyre now in a sort of stalemate where he says he trusts her but doesnt want her talking to this guy anymore while she argues if he really trusted her it wouldnt be a problem. He’s become angry and isn’t talking to her but she doesnt want to back down and have him dictate to her who she can be friends with. I’m feeling really stuck with how to advise her beyond trying to talk to him which clearly isn’t working as neither admit they are wrong. What do you all think and what would you advise in this situation? Thank you!
Post # 2
Your friend’s motive in messaging this man was far from innocent. She wanted the male attention, outside her marriage.
Needless to say, if this “friendship” continues, cheating may be on the horizon.
If she were pursuing the friendship for the right reasons, I would side with her. For now, I’m with her husband; no good will come of this. Perhaps now is a good time for him to step up his game.
Post # 3
Your friend is in the wrong here. She clearly didn’t look this guy up with the aim of starting a friendship with him, the fact that she hid that she was married is a huge red flag. How would she feel if her husband met a girl in a bar, wanted to hang out with her and avoided mentioning he was married for weeks? It isn’t cool and your friend knows it but is trying to pretend her husband is in the wrong. I think if your friend reversed the situation she would realise that what she is doing isn’t okay.
As for you, I would stay out of it, you don’t have to advise her on anything. She is an adult who is capable of managing her own relationships.
Post # 4
Seems like she’s trying to self sabotage the marriage. Kind of a cowardly move in my opinion. If she’s that desperate for attention advise her to ask her husband to open up the marriage so they can both see other people. Or else maybe she needs to ask her husband for a divorce. Clearly your friend now doesn’t like who her husband actually is.
Post # 5
Your friend digging in about some guy she met in a bar is a huge sign that her so-called friendship wtih this guy is bullshit. She’s willing to blow up her marriage over a guy she met in a bar who means nothing? I don’t think so. She’s creating drama becasue she’s upset that her husband isn’t complimenting her and fawning over her like this other guy in the bar, even though the other guy knows nothing about her except that he thinks she’s cute or hot or whatever.
Nothing good can come of this friendship. Only cheating. She is lying about this being a friendship; it’s nothing but an ego-boost becasue he is giving her the attention she craves. She may be lying to herself about that. But her husband sees it for what it is…a pre-cursor to cheating. They BOTH need to see this as a warning sign their marriage is vulnerable to an affair.
Post # 6
pitstop87 : I think you can recognize that her motivation in pursuing contact with this guy was not innocent while also understanding where she is coming from.
What I find particularly concerning is that her husband was apparently ok with it at first.. makes me think he has stopped valuing her in general, especially given his lack of effort and lack of interest in doing anything about it after she pointed the issue out.
Seeking attention from other men is not the right way to go about trying to get what she wants out of this marriage. I think they could benefit from couples counseling as well as an open and honest dialog about whether they both want to make the relationship work long term.
Post # 7
- Wedding: December 2017 - Courthouse
Your friend is totally in the wrong here. She is using cracks in her marriage as a motive to be inappropriate with other men.
It sounds like your friend and her Darling Husband either need to sit down and talk more or they need therapy. I can’t even fathom a married woman flirting and getting drinks with a man and then looking him up on social media and adding him? That’s completely inappropriate.
Post # 8
Yeah your friend is sleazy AF. Imagine if a dude did that. Went out for an innocent boys night, met a nice gal, they hit it off but declined to go further. Later on, he looked her up, messaged her, and carried on messaging her for a week before her that he had a wife AND before telling his wife about this new gal. It’s shady, sleazy and definitely inappropriate.
Post # 9
If the tables were reversed and she confided in you about her husband doing this with a woman he met at a bar….what would you say?
Post # 10
- Wedding: February 2017 - City, State
Thank you so much for all your replies so far, honestly I know that what she did was wrong and i’m confident she does too if shes honest with herself. However I dont want to just condemn her and not be there for her as we’re super close and it hurts me to know shes unhappy and has put herself in this situation because of that. I wonder if she cuts contact with this guy whether her husband will be open to working on the marriage or whether things will just be the same as before with her still unhappy? Do you guys think there is anything that can help the marriage beyond her cutting off contact with this guy or is their relationship doomed to end in divorce/unhappiness?
Post # 11
- Wedding: November 2019 - City, State
She shouldnt be using outside people to coax her husband into working on the relationship. “If YOU dont fix this, I’ll just get attention elsewhere”.. Not OK. She knows what she’s doing and she’s in the wrong here. I would be really upset if I found out my Fiance was chatting with some woman he met on a guys night out, regardless of how “innocent” their conversation seemed.
Post # 12
She needs to cut contact with this new “friend” and work on her marriage- if her husband even still wants to work on it with her.
Post # 13
I wonder if she told her husband about the guy because she knew her husband would get mad. If she’s starved for his attention maybe she’s trying to get it any way she can, even if it’s negative and confrontational.
Post # 14
I wonder if she cuts contact with this guy whether her husband will be open to working on the marriage or whether things will just be the same as before with her still unhappy? Do you guys think there is anything that can help the marriage beyond her cutting off contact with this guy or is their relationship doomed to end in divorce/unhappiness?
If she genuinely wants to work on her marriage, she needs to place her focus on her marriage. That means she needs to not put this 5 minutes of “friendship” ahead of her husband or his feelings. What exaclty is she getting out of this “friendship” that she doesn’t already have or is yearning for from her husband?
Again, i think you already know the answer and are just trying to appease your friend rather than give her the tough love she probably needs right now.
Post # 15
- Wedding: February 2017 - City, State
Sorry I dont think I was very clear when I said beyond cutting contact, I meant after she cuts contact what would you advise? Shes already asked him to do counselling but he doesnt feel he should as he doesnt believe any of it is his problem. I appreciate everyones replies, clearly the first advice is to get rid of the new ‘friend’, I think as you say i’m probably trying to be a bit too ‘supportive’ rather than saying what needs to be said so thank you for pointing that out!