(Closed) Friend inviting an acquaintance (not her SO) as her Plus 1?

posted 5 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 3
Member
3267 posts
Sugar bee

It all hinges on how you invited her.

If you invited her with either +1 or and guest, then she is free to bring whomever she sees fit.  You have no say in it.

If on the other hand you invited friend and name of a specific person, then she either brings that specifc named person, or no one.

Post # 4
Member
7901 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: March 2012 - Pelican Grand Beach Resort

I’m sorry to have to tell you this now that it’s too late, but by issuing a generic plus one, you invitied this situation. Formal etiquette advises against open plus ones because guests should be invited by name and because an invitation is not a ticket. You basically made your invitation a transferable ticket by not indicating a specific guest.

It sucks, but that’s the way it is. You left the choice of guest up to your guest. You cannot dictate whom she chooses.

Post # 5
Member
3688 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

The “right” thing to do is to allow her to bring a guest, and since she’s in the bridal party, I’d let her bring whoever she wants to.

However — what is her random girl friend going to do at your ceremony and reception? Is she going to know anybody there? That’s what I always think of when people ask questions like that. I’ve been the +1 of a bridal party member before, and it totally sucked.

Post # 6
Member
14657 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

If she’s close enough to you to be a Bridesmaid or Best Man, I would just talk honestly with her about it.  Maybe she just thinks that since she got a +1, she should try to fill it.  Technically, since you gave her a +1, she can use it however she wants.  But if you dont even like this aquaintance, and this aquaintance isnt invited in the first place, maybe tell her it’ll be awkward and you rather have that spot for someone else if its ok with her.

Post # 7
Member
2095 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

I feel it’s a bit discriminatory to think it’s fine for someone to be in a relationship and invite someone but for a Bridesmaid or Best Man to want to bring a buddy and that’s not ok. You even asked if she was keeping it open in case she meets someone. She was honest and told you no. She wants to bring a friend of her choosing.

 

How about your Bridesmaid or Best Man being comfortable?

 

I think the reason this is such a hot topic for me is because I was single for a really, really long time. Sure, I dated but not in a relationship for years. When I got invited to something it was really hurtful to see all these people in relationships get to bring their someone but here I was alone and had to be there alone. Sometimes I didn’t mind. But there were times when I questioned at what point does someone become valuable? And why does a man have to be more valuable than a good friend?

 

If you allowed her to invite someone, then it’s her choice. I don’t feel you get to decide who her plus 1 should be. However, if you explicity stated you are just keeping it as SO’s due to budget, then you need to speak up. But honestly, if someone made it to your B list and you would rather invite them than have your friend be comfortable, then I would examine your motives.

 

One of my BM’s is single, in that she’s in a relationship but it’s brand-new. When I asked her to be Bridesmaid or Best Man I had already decided she could bring +1 because she’s doing me the favor and it’s a Destination Wedding. At the time they were just dating but I made it clear to her if she wanted to bring a gf…that was fine with me. And then I told her how when I was single I always liked to go somewhere as a “pair” even if one part of my pair was a good gf. I think she appreciated that.

Post # 9
Member
433 posts
Helper bee

@lilcshelli:  

You said she could bring a +1 so she has every right to bring her friend.  Some single people don’t like being alone at weddings, why does her guest have to be a boyfriend?  You’re not really being fair to her simply because she’s not in a relationship.

Post # 10
Member
145 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

My best friend in college asked me to go to the wedding of some of his high school friends. I had never met the bride or groom before. He has some social anxiety, and was really nervous about being around so many new people and people he hadn’t talked to in a long time. We ended up having a really lovely night. I actually got a card from the bride after the wedding thanking me for attending, and saying how nice it was to have had my friend be so engaged. I know this is a different circumstance, but I think if it makes your Bridesmaid or Best Man happier and/or more comfortable for the evening, why not? Good luck!

Post # 11
Member
2192 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

@pinkshoes:  I agree.  She will truly understand once she plans her own wedding and realizes the cost of things involved.  Talk to her.  Especially if your venue is small and there are other people you would like to invite.

We had a couple where the wife came and brought her friend instead of her husband.  I was like WTF?!?!  And than we had an aunt write in her girlfriend instead of her husband.  At that point I did not care anymore but yes, it’s rude.

Post # 12
Member
2095 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

@lilcshelli:  I think that’s a very kind thing to do. You sound like a good friend and bride. 🙂

 

 

Post # 13
Member
1880 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

If you give a plus one rather than inviting each guest by name, that will happen. I have plenty of single guests bringing friends, and even one friend IN a serious relationship whose girlfriend is out of town the day of my wedding who is bringing another friend instead. Three of my bridespeople are single – one is coming alone, one is bringing a date, and one is bringing a friend (both people I know). Whatever. If I had space issues, I would not have given plus ones to single people.

Post # 14
Member
3688 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

@baletrina:  I agree with you. At some point, people have to realize that it’s a wedding, not a birthday party or a 4th of July barbeque. Besides being ridiculously expensive per head, it’s a celebration of the joining of two lives.

Couples are invited together because they’re part of a “social unit.” If somebody can’t spend one night “alone” in the company of friends/family to celebrate a wedding, no one is forcing them to attend. I was single for a good, long time, and I never would have considered bringing a friend as my date, especially one who didn’t even know the couple.

Post # 16
Member
1733 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

@lilcshelli:  Glad this convo has helped you! Just one more voice to say — I know you aren’t the biggest fan of your BM’s +1, but maybe she’ll surprise you. We had a few randoms (we were fine with it), and some of those people actually turned out to be really fantastic — great conversationalists, generous gifters, let us know how much they enjoyed the evening and how happy they were for us, etc.

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