Post # 1
So, I’m in need of some…advice, I suppose. Long story short, my best friend’s husband, who is also a close friend of mine, was diagnosed yesterday with a fast-progressing form of cancer. He probably only has a few weeks.
I am stunned and heartbroken for the two of them. I am also hundreds of miles away, about a 6-hour drive, so I cannot be there with them in person. Even if I could leave my child for a length of time on such short notice (SAHM to a 2-year-old), I don’t think my friend would want me to. Also, I wouldn’t want to get in the way of their families. Thankfully, my friend’s parents were planning to visit this week anyway, so they are there with them, as are his parents, who live near them.
This is what I need to know. What can I do? We have been texting for the past few days. Her last text to me said that there isn’t anything they can do for him. She knows that I’m here for her. But I want to communicate with him. I just don’t know how or what to say. He’s in too much pain and too miserable to look at or talk on the phone. I was thinking of getting a card and just writing a short note, saying that I wish I could be there with them and that I love him and he’s one of the best people I ever met (all true; he’s just one of those people who every person who meets him wants to be friends with him). But it just doesn’t feel right. It feels so…disingenuous. Like, “Oh, you’re dying? Here, have a card.” And I don’t want to upset him. My feelings are the last thing that I want them to worry about.
I don’t know. I know that I can’t really do anything, but I want to do something.
Post # 2
A little card sounds perfect, any show of support would be welcomed. If you want you could also send a treat or flowers. Although the best gift is your unconditional love and support.
Post # 3
I agree with PP. Any show of support im sure would be appreciated… I like the idea julia above suggested which is to get them a treat or food that they usually enjoy but wouldn’t necessarily get themselves.. That’s always welcomed I think.. Perhaps with a little card telling them you are thinking of them , make it short and sweet..
so sorry about UR friend Bee 😔
Post # 4
There is nothing wrong with a card. As an idea for something to include a gift card can be useful. I know people who make regular trips to the hospital with long days there found they were grabbing a fair bit on the go. Here I would give a Timmies card.
Post # 5
I’m not good at things like this. I just came in here to tell you how sorry I am that you’re going through this.
Post # 6
Maybe you can tell your friend that you’d like to leave a voicemail for her husband, and then leave a sweet message that he can listen to anytime.
Post # 7
Some sort of treat and a card is perfect. Also maybe a gift card to have groceries delivered, if that’s available in their area.
Post # 8
Thank you for the advice and kind words.
Post # 9
I’m so sorry for your friend and her DH, what a horrible thing to happen to anyone.
A card is perfect, and I would try to figure out a way to leave your child with a trusted caregiver and visit them, even if it’s for a day or two. You sound very close to them and might regret it if you weren’t able to be there with them during this time, even briefly.
Post # 10
I talked to my friend today, and she said that right now, neither of them are really up for visitors. They want to keep it to their close family. But she did say that she knows after everything is over, she’s going to need a lot of support. So my husband and I are discussing what we can do so I can go down there for a few days then. My mother said she can take a couple days off to be with my LO, and my husband can take off a day or two, as well, so we’re going to figure it out.
Post # 11
I’m glad you’re close enough that she could be honest and say we’re just doing family now. I’d for sure send a honest note. It will be hard to write, it will be hard for them to read, but you should get to tell him how important he’s been in your life and he deserves to know he’s made a difference for you.
So very sorry.
Post # 12
Gonna be frank here. Go there. You don’t have to stay for weeks, go on the weekend stay 2 nights, get a hotel. Have your husband take care of your child, or your in laws, or parents, or another friend. Worst case scenario, you take him with you. You will regret it if you don’t. Your friend will forever know you did not go out of your way in her time of need. If he’s such a good friend to you he’ll appreciate that you came to say goodbye.
This sucks to no end for your friend. Don’t say you cannot go there. You can. You just haven’t tried. I think you don’t want to casue you’re scared, that’s ok, but go. Trust me your friends wants you to.
Post # 13
Rather than send a card, break out your staionary and send him a letter. Tell him what having him as a friend has meant you. Share some memories, that may even bring him a laugh or two.. Do not be afraid to tell him that you will miss him but will treasure the times you had with him.
A gift card for the hospital coffee shop or one nearby would be great for her.
Post # 14
You’ve also been given a chance to leave nothing unsaid. If he is too ill to say it in person or by phone, then by all means send a card- and let him know how much he means to you. Photos, little anecdotes, things like that may be appreciated, too.
I’ve had a number of signficant losses in my life. In most instances, we knew they were going to pass. I still remember the people who didn’t show up, call, or drop a card before their deaths (typically, just because it would have been “too hard” for them to do so as they were “upset”), but cried after. This is your chance to let him know that he matters to you- take it. With my parents, in particular, I remember both of them being crushed by different people who they had been very close to, who were local, who they both had done a lot for, who never took the time just to say “I’m sorry that you are sick. I wish I could make it better. I can’t, but I want you to know how very blessed I’ve been to have you in my life”. I was a child when my mom died, but I remember her crying about two friends who just disappeared after her diagnosis. Even as a child, I knew what it would have meant to her to have gotten even a card from them saying “you matter to me”- and, quite franky, their loss made a sad, tragic time even sadder. And, even as a kid, I kind of wondered why they were at the funeral when she was so sad that they weren’t around when she was sick.
Let him know he matters to you.
Post # 15
I think a card would be appreciated but I would do anything I could to visit. I lived a similar distance from my best friend when her mom had a stroke. She told me not to visit, I listened, and she never forgave me for it. Now that I’ve lost family members I understand that i should have gone to her. Find a way. You won’t regret it.