(Closed) Friend is miserable, Regrets keeping her baby. What do I say to her?

posted 9 years ago in Parenting
Post # 62
Member
747 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2013

@LilMsMicro:  Well, for someone who knows what that is like, you don’t seem to have much empathy for her. Many parents have that moment of terror where they think, “Good god, what have I done?”
That doesn’t necessarily  equate to I wish my child did not exist.
 

Post # 63
Member
1248 posts
Bumble bee

@LilMsMicro:  I don’t think she regrets the little guy, I think she probably wishes the situation and circumstances were different. Clearly this single mother does not hate her child, which “regretting she had the baby” implies. She sounds like a good person who just needs some help. Seriously. I’m getting a little angry that you all are just a screaming for adoption. Let the poor woman find her way. Yes, it’s sad for the baby as well but she’s taking care of his needs And his health issues. She just needs a break, not to be giving her much loved and cared for son up for adoption. Put yourself in this womans shoes. 

Post # 65
Member
677 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

@bunnyharriet:  yes, Walmart does registries. I’ve heard of situations where other women have registered for items thru Walmart for their children when they needed the help. People usually feel comfortable donating via registries than giving cash bc that way they know the items are being purchased for the child and the mom isn’t blowing the money.

Post # 66
Member
6458 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2013

Target has registries as well.  Do you have a Target in your area?  

 

What was the response to her being able to move closer to you?

Post # 67
Member
520 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

@LilMsMicro:  maybe instead of being all judgy behind a computer screen you could send the baby some toys. 

OP if your friend does a registry make sure you announce it, I love shopping for baby stuff.

Post # 68
Member
848 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2010

@bunnyharriet:  sorry, I didn’t mean to imply in any way that this is her fault. Also, I don’t think that all would be magically resolved if she was less stressed out. However I do think that there would be an improvement (less pinching and crying). Babies can be very unpredictable, and it is possible that the reason he’s crying now is not the same as last month or when he was born… We kinda have to adjst by the hour and it is confusing and difficult.

on the bright side, it becomes easier to deal with children as they grow up, this being this hard is temporary and will not last forever.

i hope she can get the help she needs.

Post # 69
Member
227 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

@bunnyharriet:  I’m sorry I’m not throwing pity around for someone who brought a child into a bad situation and is now having a hard time. I pity this child. The baby didn’t ask to be here or have a mother who is wishing she could die. Grow up, women up and do what needs to be done for your baby. A lot of moms go through hard times, that I absolutely understand. But the irrational suicide threats and what not….. Come on that’s not a person in a mind frame to raise a baby. 

Post # 70
Member
30 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: October 2013

I second te PPD suggestion, I had it after I had my second daughter, and while I never told anyone, there were days I reggretted having a second child. I never was diagnosed, but I found it was linked to my birth control. A couple of months after quitting the nuvaring, I got a lot better, and was finally really able to enh=joy my daughter. I never hurt her, or neglected her, but many times found myself in the bathroom at night crying after the girls were asleep. Her saying it to someone is just a cry for help, which someone needs to hear. OP, please go pick her up and bring her and her son into your home, even if just for a few days. Give her some time to rest and cry and let the emotions run their course, then help her seek help for her condition. Go with her to her appointment to see a doctor about her depression. Talk to your friends and see what you can do for her as a group. Help her get to offices to apply for the help she needs. I hae 3 girls now, and a husband, and I still occasionally feel stressed and frustrated. 

For those who keep pushing her to give this baby up for adoption, while I agree, if in the next six months or so things don’t get better it might be a neccessity, at this point she is trying, and doing what se can, which means she does love her child. It is not an easy road, and adopted children don’t always end up with a better life. She never said she wanted to kill the baby, she is just reaching out and begging for someone to really hear how much she is hurting. I hope none of you ever struggle with PPD, as it is hell. To feel guilty every time you look at your child knowing you are supposed to be happy and don’t know why you aren’t. It’s not something you can just control. 

OP, if you want to PM me I would be happy to find whatever info I can for your area for resources for her, but I don’t suggest putting that info on the board, as you never know who might do something with that info.

Post # 71
Member
2803 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

@bunnyharriet:  OP please do not be offened by those saying that she could put the baby up for adoption. I really think that that reaction was in response to the “she regrets keeping her baby” title. If she truelly regretted HIM then there is no reason why adoption is not a viable option.

HOWEVER, given the new information in which you clearly state that she loves him, then it clearly isn’t an option. Some people just forget to look for updates/you hadn’t yet posted the update then they were writing. 

Is there a way that she can come and live with you, just for a weekend? During that weekend you help her to care for him, perhaps she can go out by herself for an hour whilst you watch him, you can cook her good meals and generally care for her so that she doesn’t have to think about careing for herself just for two days? 

Post # 72
Member
3949 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: March 2012

She could put the baby up for adoption.  There are so so many people that just want a baby and there’s open adoptions. .. she could get pics and meet with them all thru out the years. 

@LilMsMicro:  +10k
ETA : you think that people that put their kids up for adoption DON’T love their kids?  It takes a logical mind to see that although they love their child, they don’t have the means to give them all that their child should have. 
 

Post # 73
Member
6458 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2013

@LilMsMicro:  “Exactly. And when not if this baby gets taken by CPS a stable adoptive home would be better then being in the system going from place to place, or with a mother who regrets you. How sad. ”  

What is this????  What a horrible thing to say.  You have no sympathy for a woman who is obviously struggling.  

 

 

Post # 74
Member
6458 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2013

@HisIrishPrincess:  If every mother who struggled at one point put her child up for adoption, there would be MILLIONS of children in the foster care system.  It’s normal to struggle.  Given the OP’s friend’s situation, her response is NORMAL.  You can’t judge another till you’ve walked two moons in her moccasins.

Post # 75
Member
520 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

Adoption can be a wonderful thing, but anyone would tell you if at all possible it is ideal that children stay with a parent. 

Post # 76
Member
747 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2013

@HisIrishPrincess:  What need is this mother not meeting? Parents don’t have to provide their children with swimming lessons and lots of toys to be good parents. Lots of very poor parents create wonderful, intelligent, and capable children.

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