(Closed) Friend is “other girl”….VENT!

posted 8 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
354 posts
Helper bee

She’s acting out, and like you said is doing it for the attention.  Something deeper is going on here, and she is crying out (sleeping around) fo help…or she just really doesn’t care?  How can she respect herself??

As a friend, I would try and get to the bottom of what is actually going on here.  If that is not possible, I would end the friendship.  Harsh, but life is too short to be around someone who doesn’t respect themselves.

Post # 4
Member
9824 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

I wouldn’t turn my back on her a friend, but I would probably say “It’s your life and it’s not my job to judge what you do. I really don’t want to hear about this anymore, and I’m going to ask that you don’t involve me by telling me about this anymore.”

Be firm and let her know that while SHE might enjoy the drama, you don’t.

Post # 5
Member
222 posts
Helper bee

@KatyElle: I agree. You can respectfully ask to not be included, if she violates that, be firm and repeat yourself. Stand your ground. Honestly I wouldn’t be giving advice on the situation (I know that’s hard). Giving advice is contributing to the situation, imo.

I also agree that there is more going on in the background of her life, perhaps from childhood. It’s a tough call, but I would see if you can keep the friendship but not be involved in the drama.

Good luck!

Post # 6
Member
4824 posts
Honey bee

@KatyElle: I would say this with a twist. I would tell her that I dont approve of her actions, but I wont think any differently of her. But because I dont approve I dont want ot hear anymore about it. To help her “get” it say that you wouldnt approve of your fiance cheating so you cant approve of your best friend being in a cheating relationship.

 

Post # 8
Member
9029 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

That would be bother me big time, I actually fell out with a friend because of this. I really just couldnt condone it and she didnt understand why I wouldnt listen to her going on and on about her cheating on her man with another friend of mine. We arent friends anymore because of that.

Post # 9
Member
274 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

Keeping friends who have no regard for relationships scares me.  It often seems that attention seeking insecure women are the ones who would sleep with your husband.

I’d be leary of her and keep her at a healthy distance!!!

Post # 10
Member
418 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

I agree with PP’s that I wouldn’t abandon her, but try to get at the root of the problem by talking to her. Most people that use sex in that way have a lot of deeper issues (I used to struggle with this some, myself).

With that said, however, I don’t think that SHE should be the only one who is to blame. Yes, her actions are wrong, but I would say that the guy is much more to blame than your friend – she just got caught up with the wrong kind of guy in order to get some sexual attention and this guy is CHEATING on his girlfriend of FIVE YEARS. If anyone, I’d be attacking him for doing wrong.

Personally, I’d just try to stand by your friend as best as you can, hope that she has respect for your relationship and stay out of it.

Post # 11
Member
2154 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

Why don’t you talk to the guy? He’s the one who’s actually cheating.

Post # 13
Member
3254 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

I think the PPs gave you some really good advice, but I just want to identify and possibly give you some hope. My closest friend was actually sleeping with a married man for a period of about six or seven months, and she also had the same attitude towards his wife that your friend seems to have towards this guy’s girlfriend. She felt better about it because the wife wasn’t really a nice person, but that was just an excuse. She ended up feeling awful about it later; she left him and told the wife the truth and took full responsibility for her actions. She now is completely embarrassed and ashamed of what she did, even though she wouldn’t listen to me at the time when I tried to get her to stop. Your friend may become more mature about this in the future; it’s just hard to be a close friend in the meantime. 

Post # 14
Member
7300 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

She’ll feel it…eventually. I use to be the other woman. I had the same attitude. I was 21 and just really naive about the world. I thought, who cares! I didn’t take those vows. If he isn’t breaking them with me, he’ll be breaking them with someone else. I believed the sob stories from him about how horrible she was and how miserable he is when he’s at home. My friends at the time didn’t care except for one (who is still my very close friend today) who always told me that I had self esteem issues and I was just acting out after my father’s death.
I didn’t get the message until she found out and busted my windows out of my car. Then we had to go to court and it was just messy. She stalked me for a while (like coming to my job or following me to the bar.)

I regret it. I was young and stupid. I feel bad for the wife. She probably sat at home and cried every night “he was working late” or “going out of town for a weekend business trip.”

Post # 15
Member
188 posts
Blushing bee

I am actually going through a similar situation with one of my friends. She acts out in the same way, and makes some of the same excuses– “No guys want me for anything else so I might as well settle for being the other woman. at least then I’m not totally lonely,” etc. Since I’ve known her, she has done the other woman for THREE different guys, and every time it upsets me so much and I try to talk her out of it and then just refuse to discuss anything about it with her at all. Once I did run into the second guy randomly downtown and took the opportunity to rip him a new one for treating his gf of 4 years that way and for toying with my friend and leading her to believe that he loved her and was leaving his gf for her to convince her to sleep with him. (yeah. he. is. scum.) he backed off for a while after that and now has moved in with his gf in a nearby town and isnt cheating with my friend at the moment (that i know of) but it still makes me sick that his gf has no idea that this happened. 

The thing is, my friend cycles through periods of feelign super guilty about her actions but then does the same thing when a guy shows her attention. Other than her insane relationships, she is a totally balanced, sweet, loyal, fun, and loving friend. But sometimes this just really seems like a deal breaker… best of thoughts to you and your friend. Try to find the root of her insecurities (did you have an emotionally abusive relationship in the past that undermined her self worth?). 

Post # 16
Member
2819 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: February 2013

It sucks that she got into a relationship with someone who had a girlfriend. But from my perspective, most of the onus is on him — HE’S the one who’s cheating, not her. : / Granted, she shouldn’t have gotten into a relationship with him, KNOWING that he has a girlfriend, but…it’s more his fault than hers, as far as I’m concerned.

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