(Closed) Friend is trying to ruin my wedding for me

posted 5 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
1214 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

Wow that does suck. 15 years?? Seriously? Well what does your friend say about all this? She’s happy for you right?

Just refer to it as a misunderstanding. I know she likely flat out lied, but give her the benefit of the doubt. I would not exclude her from either your wedding or your hens because I think that will just cause more drama.

Post # 4
Member
1638 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

@miss-t:  At this point, I would NOT include her in any other activities. She has shown she is mean and spiteful. Why put her in the position to ruin another wedding even for you because that is what she WILL DO.

At this point, I would keep all wedding information from her. If she asks about a Hen, I would tell her “It’s still being planned” and ignore her from there.

I would also talk to your Maid/Matron of Honor about this. She lied about you. To ignore it is to invite more drama. I’m a person who would email her about it adn ask her why she would lie. Or I would have a talk with her with a person present to ask her why she would hurt you that way.

Frankly, your godparents needs to stay out of this. You are all adults and need to handle this on your own.

Post # 5
Member
2457 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@LuvMySailor:  +1

 

Your Maid/Matron of Honor must have some idea this is all going on with her. I think if you talk to her and explain how her sister is hurting you and making herself a huge pain in the ass, then your Maid/Matron of Honor should (hopefully) side with you in your decision not to include her in anything else. Really, I would still invite her to the wedding, as a courtesy, but NOTHING else.

You don’t owe her anything. 

Post # 6
Member
6359 posts
Bee Keeper

Don’t invite her to the hen. Invite her to the wedding. Do your best to ignore her, and don’t let her under your skin.

Post # 7
Member
6256 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: March 2014

You should have the sister run interference. If you’re close enough to her for her to be your Maid/Matron of Honor, she should know what’s going on. Maybe she has some ideas as to why her sister is behaving this way, or can have a talk with her about the damage she is causing. It sounds like she has a case of bitter single girl.

Post # 8
Member
1043 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

I think if I were in this situation, I would try to get everyone in the same room together and hash everything out. Explain from your point of view, and ask the sister point blank why she’s saying such things. Tell her that her family is very important to you and it’s important that you’re supported by all members. If she alone has a problem, then she alone should remove herself from any wedding activities and focus on herself. Ask what she’s trying to gain from bringing you down and acting bratty.

 

 

Post # 9
Member
484 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

@miss-t:  I agree with some of the above advice, especially about not inviting her to any more events.  It doesn’t sound like you will be able to keep her from coming to the wedding but I would be so nervous about it if it was me… I wouldn’t want my wedding ruined by a nasty mean spirited person being there, and it sounds like you don’t know quite what she will say/do.  (I actually have a friend from HS that was always like this too… jealous of me and mean to me all the time.  Recently my Maid/Matron of Honor talked about getting back in touch with her and I had to say DON’T TELL HER ABOUT MY WEDDING… just in case she crashed it or expected to come). 

I really think you should explain all of this to your Maid/Matron of Honor and see what she can do.  I don’t know what kind of a relationship she has with her sister, but even though we can sometimes be blind when it comes to family, you are a very close friend so she will definitely listen to you and hopefully she knows that her sister is acting very inappropriately.  Beyond that I don’t think there is much you CAN do.  I would think your Maid/Matron of Honor would probably still be fine being in your wedding even if you didn’t invite her sister…. it sounds like this would be a perfectly reasonable decision.  But I doubt your godparents would still be willing to come.  So it sounds like you will have to choose… either accept that your godparents probably won’t be coming or deal with the possibility of being upset on your wedding day by this woman’s behavior.  That really sucks!  I hope you find a way to make everything work out.

Post # 10
Member
2961 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

I do believe a long talk with your Maid/Matron of Honor is in order. Hopefully she can give you insight to help you to soothe feelings with her family while dealing with someone who is obviously upset about your wedding. I think the young lady in question WAS fine with you dating her old beau when she was in a relationship, but now that she;s not, she is kind of looking at you and thinking “that could have been me”. What a situation! Oy vey!

Post # 12
Member
1155 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

I think @metalbride: is spot-on. Enough of this she-said-I-said nonsense! 

The only way to deal with this situation is to confront everyone, all at the same time. Do NOT have your Maid/Matron of Honor run interference — obviously if she could’ve helped you in that way none of this would have happened to begin with.

Get your godparents and the two sisters in a room (maybe with your fiancé). Explain how important it is to you that your godparents attend your wedding. Say how hurt you’ve been by the sister’s apparent disapproval. Give specific examples of her behaviour but use only “I” language — “I felt that you weren’t happy for our engagement because…” Then maybe give the sister a chance to apologise or set the record straight by asking, “Am I wrong? Did I misunderstood the motivation behind your actions?”

The sister is being a bully and using tactics that only work if you’re all communicating at different times. You need to cut her off now and end this. Then, if she keeps acting up, at least your godparents can be on your side and discourage the bad behavior. Good luck!

ETA: before you sit down with the family, you should write down bullet points of issues you want to raise, and examples of each issue where relevant. That might be helpful to keep you on-task & have a productive conversation.

 

Post # 13
Member
1460 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

You need to have a conversation with the girl.  Continuing to dance around the subject or fighint about it will accomplish nothing and end in hurt feelings all the way around.  If she’s upset there is nothing you can do about it but she needs to be a grown up about things.  

Also, remember that she can ruin your wedding only if you allow her to do so.  If she can’t behave you’ll have to rise above it all so you can enjoy things.  Good luck to you.   

Post # 14
Member
6015 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: March 2012

I don’t know how this will sound but … .what if you got some nice flowers and met up with your godparents.   Either at their house or you and Fiance at dinner.  You have a relationship with these people outside of their daughter, and it’s been damaged.  You could even write them a note, reiterating you want them at your wedding.  Something a little more than just a phone call.   If your in person talking to them, I’d bring up that you don’t understand why they would ever think you didn’t want them there.  You want the entire family and infact need their family there as part of your support on your special day.  Explain that you only wanted your BM’s to go dress shopping and the more people there the longer it takes that you dind’t know she would be so upset, that your hen night is just for the bridal party just to hang out, and  that your inviting their older daughter and want her there on your day.  You need to do something to show you want them there, and to make her look like the nut job she is 😀

Post # 15
Member
91 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

I don’t think you should expect this lady to be happy about you getting married or even remotely interested – it’s bound to be hard for her, especially since she is single. Avoid talking wedding things around her.  I get your dilemma – don’t invite her because she is hurting you, risk the parents not coming, invite her and risk her coming (I guess?).  You have to decide which is less problematic for you.  If it were me, I would invite her (because, if I were her and had her attitude about it, I would not go to the wedding).  If she ends up going, have her family read her the riot act and force her to behave.  If you have a coordinator or a helpful friend, they could also keep an eye on the situation if she does attend.

Post # 16
Member
1261 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

@miss-t:  At the very least, talk to her. She is now not above totally lying about you, and in a way that not only hurts you, but her entire family by making them believe you don’t like them.  I would meet with her, sit her down, and tell her “look, I know you are lying about me. I don’t know how you rationalize that this is at all OK, but it needs to stop asap or I am going to have to expose your actions to your family, and I don’t want to do that. You have been acting incredibly mean and strange the whole time I have been engaged. I understand that you are lonely and upset, but that does not make it OK for you to misdirect your anger at me and try to make my life miserable.”

Also, I like some PPs ideas about getting everyone together and talking to them all at once. She is manipulating the fact that everyone is hearing things second hand, or only through phone calls. Get them all in person, sit them down, and lay out your case.

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