(Closed) Help! Friend is upset she is not the maid of honor

posted 9 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 3
3709 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

I think that the fault here doesn’t lie with you. I think your friend kind of set herself up for disappointment by assuming that she knew your criteria on picking an Maid/Matron of Honor and then self-appointing herself. There is nothing you can do other than explain that her friendship is important to you and you hope that she will continue to support you both as a friend and Bridesmaid or Best Man. As for telling the rest, don’t even go into the reasons why you picked your other friend as the Maid/Matron of Honor, rather focus on the reasons why you picked them as BMs and you will be fine.

Post # 4
203 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2011 - Oxon Hill Manor

The same thing happened to me, pretty much, accept that my friend said she wasn’t going to be in our wedding because I didn’t pick her to be the Maid/Matron of Honor, and she thought she deserved it. I was devestated. I couldn’t believe it. I felt guilty. Considered changing my decision. Thought I totally screwed up, but then I turned to my family and other friends. They all told me it was my decision and as a friend, she should accept my decision. She should support me regardless and just being in the wedding is an honor. Not because I’m stuck up and my wedding is oh-so special, but because I had other friends I would have liked to ask, but didn’t because I picked her instead.

I really thought your logic in choosing the only other Bridesmaid or Best Man without a sister was sweet, because having a sister really does save you from the “ranking your friends” crap. My friend is actually a twin and will obviously have her twin as her Maid/Matron of Honor, but yet somehow I still commited the ultimate no-no. How was I supposed to know it meant so much to her? During our 7+ years as friends, she never once mentioned it.

Just remember that you made your decision and it’s YOUR decision to make. They are all going to have to deal with it. It might sound cliche, but it’s true that your real friends will understand. They won’t make it about them They’ll be happy to be a part of such an important part of your life. 

Also (sorry to make this so long, I just haven’t talked about my situation much yet and feel like I have tons to share), I really stood my ground even though it sucked (I really hated the long, like 3 hour conversations that were all “how could you”), but in the end, I’m glad I did. It was a good lesson for what was to come in the planning process, and learning to stick to my guns despite what others might think and even feel.

So my friend eventually came around and decided she was going to be in the wedding (like 3 months later). I’m not really sure why. We haven’t had a formal conversation about it yet (I’m still 7 months out), but she did go dress shopping with me a few times and has been really inquisitive. Hopefully your friend won’t dwell on it as long and will start being happy that she is in your wedding!

SORRY THIS IS SO LONG!! I definitely don’t mean to lecture. Just trying to help!! Don’t feel bad about your decision girl. She will get over it. And don’t be afraid to share the news with your other girlfriends. This is a happy time and they should be happy to be in the wedding 🙂


Post # 6
4 posts
  • Wedding: October 2011

no no, not cool.  This is about YOU and not about HER.  Too many times family and friends forget that it’s NOT their day!  I’m sure she’s a little hurt that she wasn’t chosen but you had legitimate reasons for choosing who you did.  It’s an honor just to be asked to be a bridesmaid.  Don’t let it ruin things for you, hey, if one of them is married you can have a Maid and a Matron of Honor?!?!!?

Good Luck!Cool

Post # 8
5822 posts
Bee Keeper

I think it’s a mistake to share why you picked someone for something.  You don’t owe them an explanation.  You don’t even need to tell them who you picked.  But if they ask, you can share you picked sonso.  And if they ask why, be vague and noncommital (I had my reasons, and none of them are a reflection of OUR friendship at all).

Then forget about it.  Let this girl be upset, and ignore it.  You don’t have to babysit her emotional baggage.  You are happy with whom you have picked, be happy!

Post # 9
1641 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

Sounds like she wanted to be invited to the party, but actually didn’t want to go, if you know what I mean. When people “should” on one another, they are bound to be disappointed. Your friend is at fault for making these assumptions. You would think she would be honored that you picked her for your bridal party. Don’t be too hard on yourself, let the friend stew in her pity-party and hopefully she’ll get over it soon and enjoy the upcoming festivities.

Post # 10
203 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2011 - Oxon Hill Manor

Sounds like this girl isn’t going to be happy either way!

Post # 11
1870 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: February 2011

Jamaica Bride said it beautifully.

I do think that it’s important that you at least heard that she was hurt because that’s important in a relationship. However, her carrying it on in a passive-agressive fashion is not okay.


Post # 12
823 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2011 - The Tribute Golf Club

Honestly, it’s an honor just to be close enough with someone to be asked to be a Bridesmaid or Best Man.  You shouldn’t have to justify the reasons you picked one over another to be Maid/Matron of Honor.

Post # 13
866 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

I feel the need to play devil’s advocate here, but let me preface this by saying that your sentiment about not “ranking” your friends or choosing your “favorite” as Maid/Matron of Honor is wonderful, and I firmly believe that decision is the bride’s to make.

I was a bridesmaid for a friend’s wedding last year. We grew up together: met in preschool and were inseperable through high school. For college, I went out of state but she stayed local so we didn’t see each other much (but always stayed in touch).

We never discussed it, but I always assumed I would be her Maid/Matron of Honor. Wouldn’t you? Oldest, closest, best friend in the world, no sisters or close female relatives… silly me. She chose another girl, someone we’d met in Jr. high that had also stayed local for college.

I was absolutely, totally crushed. I wanted to be involved and support her every step of the way, but it was another girl she wanted by her side.

So, while I absolutely agree with your choice of Maid/Matron of Honor, I just wanted to put in a word for your disappointed friend. Perhaps she’s just jealous of the spotlight, but it’s also possible that she truly feels sad that her friendship means “less” than she thought.

Post # 14
1 posts


I just wan’t to say that I’m a bridemaid in this position. And I wanted to give you the otherside. My friend who is getting married is my closest friend in my eyes, and it was a smack in the face that I’m not hers. Also, I wish we’d all just been equal, it’s really unfair to rank in that way and has made me feel really rejected. I think the you have to understand that we all want to feel valued as a person in life and when a friend gives you a rank in that way, for me, it made me feel like perhaps I’m not such a great person after all. I’m always second best in everyone’s life, and for once I felt I had a first. I’m so gutted, I’ve been crying for days. 

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