(Closed) Friend issue – mini-rant and advice needed (long)

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
Post # 4
Member
7293 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2011

I wouldn’t worry about this too much!

She percieves you guys as good friends and important in her life. A lot of it, I’m sure stems from the fact that you are engaged and happily moving along and she is struggling.

Don’t let this get out of hand. Just reiterate that it was not something you planned or was in your control.

Is she involved in your wedding like as a Bridesmaid or Best Man or MOH?

Post # 5
Member
2247 posts
Buzzing bee

I don’t understand where the disconnect in her mind is coming from.  It was a proposal video.  A proposal to YOU.  You had no idea the video was being made.  Had you been behind the “casting”, it wouldn’t have been much of a surprise for you.  Why is she asking YOU why she wasn’t in the video instead of asking your FI?  Anyway, the whole thing is petty.  I wouldn’t bring it up to her again.  If she brings it up again, then you should just say, “Umm, I had no idea Fiance was making that video.  I had nothing to do with it, as it was a surprise for me.  You’ll have to ask him why you weren’t asked to be in it.”

Post # 9
Member
1212 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

I think I can actually understand where your friend is coming from. It’s possible that to her, your Fiance would have picked the friends of yours that you consider closest. Maybe he would have picked the ones that you talk about the most to him or something like that. If she feels that that might be how he picked people to be in the video, then I could see how she would feel hurt by it. 

The fact that she talked to you about it just makes sense to me. She’s closer to you, and therefore felt more comfortable sharing her feelings with you. It wouldn’t be unreasonable for her to think that you might be able to shed some light on what your Fiance was thinking when he picked the friends to be in the video. She probably assumes that you know him well enough to guess at how he made his choice. 

Anyway, I really don’t think that you should be mad at her for this. She’s not mad at you; she’s hurt. Why be mad at a very close friend for feeling sad? It just shows how much she cares about you that she wanted to be a part of this for you. 

If I were you, I would try to take this all as an affirmation of how much you mean to her. I would explain to her that men are strange and not always great at emotional things like this. Tell her that you would have loved to have her in the video and it was just by a silly oversight on your FI’s part that she wasn’t in it. 

Post # 10
Member
2651 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

I am pretty confident that she is 100% wrong in this.

I personally would ask her about it and talk to her about why it hurt her feelings/ why your feelings are hurt.  Especially if you are on the fence on having her as a bridesmaid. Is she automatically assumes that she will be a Bridesmaid or Best Man then not, you will have a repete of this conversation in the future.

Post # 11
Member
3261 posts
Sugar bee

I really don’t think its that big of a deal. She was hurt because you’re her friend, and unfortunately most people tend to get hurt when they’re not included in something. Not saying thats rational or anything.

But I also don’t understand what your point of adding all that background information in about how she’s not engaged and pressuring her fiance… are you trying to insinuate that she’s jealous? Because it doesn’t appear that she is.

Post # 12
Member
1269 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2011

Personally, I can understand where she is coming from.  She was hurt.  She brought it up and it sounds like she moved on with your explanation.  It wasn’t your fault but she’s closer with you than your Fiance so that’s why she came to you.

Post # 15
Member
1212 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

@sarahbabs:

I think a whole lot of sadness might in time turn into something that could sound like anger. I wasn’t there, so I can’t know what exactly happened, but the whole thing makes a lot more sense if she’s hurt than if she’s mad. 

About her not watching the video, this is something I could easily see myself doing. It’s a (not very good) coping mechanism for things that upset you to just put them out of your mind. Unfortunately, they tend to come up again at inconvient times like when drinking! I could totally see myself in this situation hearing about the video (seemingly in a way that made her think she was the only one not included) and having it hit me like a knife in the heart. At that point, because I would be so wanting to be happy for my friend, I would avoid anything that reminded me of that hurt which definitely means no video! I then would be truely very happy for my friend until something stupid like alchohol or PMS made me extra susceptible to the bad feelings and they all came bubbling out.

That’s just my own little idea about what went on in your friend’s head. 

 

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