Post # 1
I got engaged in April, it’s now June and I still haven’t told my best friend. We’ve been friends since 3rd grade I’ve never hidden anything from her until now. Our families know, a lot of his friends know, but my friends still don’t know because I don’t want any of them to tell her. I feel incredibly guilty for leaving her out of the loop for so long, but I’ve been putting off telling her because I KNOW she won’t take it well.
My friend was dumped by her boyfriend of 6 years in a mean and disrespectful way. They had recently moved in together and he basically threw her out with zero notice. He had been acting really strange and nervous around her and she had even begun to hope for a proposal, but it tuns out he was just building up the courage to tell her he wanted her to move out. Ever since then she’s been in a state of deep depression and nothing seems to cheer her up at all.
This happened just a week or so before I got engaged, so I didn’t feel comfortable telling her right away. She’s still really hurt and talks about the breakup constantly. She cries all the time and just keeps telling and retelling the story of how he broke up with her, repeating the hurtful things he said over and over. I’m always consoling her about the breakup so it doesn’t feel right to bring up my engagement just yet.
Part of me doesn’t want to tell her yet because I know it’ll just make her feel even more lonely and depressed. On the other hand, it’s been almost two months now and I risk hurting her feelings by waiting too long. Even worse, word will get around and she’ll find out from a someone else, then she might get really upset that I didn’t tell her personally.
This is the first time I’ve had trouble talking to my friend. I want to be supportive and help her through the loneliness and pain, but I think I might end up hurting her no matter what I do.
Post # 3
I would tell her now, but that is just me. Our best ‘couple’ friends broke up 5 hours after we got engaged, while it was rough at first to be happy around her, we made it through. A true friend will be there for you when you are happy, even if she is sad.
Post # 4
Honesty is the foundation of a real friendship, so you should tell her. You don’t have to gush and go on and on about your happiness, but you should be able to tell her what is going on in your life. How she reacts to that is her decision, and it may make her stronger to have to deal with it. If you don’t tell her, I am sure she will be hurt that you thought she was such a mess she couldn’t handle hearing about your engagement.
Be prepared to not get the reaction you would hope from a friend. She may take it well, but she may react with jelousy or depression. She might withdraw from you for a while. I think this is normal after a traumatic life event, and you should just be ready to give her space and a little slack until she starts to feel better.
You sound like a caring friend. Just be honest and open and there for her and it will be okay.
Post # 5
I think you should tell her right away also. It’s been over a month, so obviously you didnt want want to hurt her by telling her right away and gave her some time to get over the break up. You can explain that to her or she may already see it. But it’s been long enough. Tell her before she hears it from someone else… but continue to support her, and let her know that you’re willing to gush about wedding stuff as much or as little as she can stand. But hopefully she can be happy for you and be there for you during this exciting time for you also.
Post # 6
Definitely tell her right away– it may help her focus on something else. And if not, at least you’re still keeping her in the know, she is your friend after all.
Do you wear an engagement ring? Can you use that to help bring up the topic? You can talk very briefly about it and move on to something else if she seems frustrated or upset.
Post # 7
I’d tell her. She might be sad thinking of what could have been for her, but I’ll bet she’d be more hurt if she found out from someone other then you!
Post # 8
This is one of those situations where you’re damned if you do, and you’re damned if you don’t. So you might as well just fess up and tell her you’re engaged.
She is going to be devastated and upset, I’m sure, but it will be less hurtful if you tell her now than later. Make it a point to explain that no one else knows either, its not this big plan to keep it from her, and that you just felt she needed a little time before hearing the news.
I have def. been in your friends shoes and there really is no right way to deal with it. But I remember how hurt I was when I found out my friends had kept things from me (even though they were totally correct in assuming I would be upset by their good news).
Tell her now. It will be better in the long run.
Post # 9
It really sucks what happend to your friend, but you should tell her. I know I would be really upset if my friend told me months later.
Post # 10
I agree enough time has passed any more will be awkward when she asks when it happened.
Post # 11
She will appreciate your sensitivity, but I agree that I would tell her. It’s not an easy thing to do, but keeping it a secret is not fair to her OR to you. Enjoy your engagement and tell your friends!
Post # 12
I definitely agree that you should tell her. A friend since 3rd grade should be able to put on her big girl panties and be happy for you even if she’s feeling bad.
I’m in a very similar situation actually…my SO and I bought a ring at exactly the same time that my best friend of 22 years is getting broken up with by her 4-year boyfriend who she’s still very much in love with. And I haven’t hid a thing from her the whole time, I text her every single time a new development in the ring saga happens, and when I went to her house the other day to have bitch-and-wine time about her ex, the first thing she said was, “Did you get your ring yet?!?!” And I’ve already asked her to be my MOH/co-MOH and she accepted with a grin and said she couldn’t wait. All of this while she’s completely, utterly heartbroken.
It could be sticky with your friend now though since you’ve kept it from her for so long. If she asks how/when it happened, you should just come clean and say that you didn’t want to hurt her by telling her, but that you just couldn’t keep it in any longer because she’s your best friend and you couldn’t imagine going through this exciting time without her to celebrate with.
Post # 13
this is very similar to how it happened when my best friend got engaged. but if she is a true friend she will be happy for you no matter what her current life situation is. It might be a bit bitter sweet because of the emotion it will bring up in her but she should still be happy for you as her friend. When my best friend got engaged I was at the lowest point i have ever been in my romantic life, having just gotten dumped after a 6 year relationship with my sons father. Even though I was sad that I hadnt found that happiness too i was still so so so genuinely happy for her. I think, if your friend is the type of friend I was, she will feel the same. Good luck.
Post # 14
Thanks for the advice everyone. You’re right, she’s had time to grieve and I should tell her my good news. I’ll just be sure to have have some tissues handy for the inevitable waterworks from both of us!
Post # 15
I agree with everyone else. A true friend will be able to put her own issues aside to be happy for you. It might even give her something positive to focus on, since she will probably be involved in the wedding, right?
It was hard for me to talk about my wedding to my single friend, because she was in a constant state of deep depression and didn’t just have one bad breakup, she had guy after guy just stop calling her after about a month of dating. She would cry every time we spoke, but was able to pull herself together to sound genuinely happy for me and ask about the wedding plans. That’s a true friend in my book!
Post # 16
I would 100% tell her now. Hiding it from her will make her feel like an asshole. If you got engaged 2 months ago, its really about time to share the news. If she’s a true friend, she’ll be happy for you instead of letting it make her feel worse.