(Closed) Friend just dumped, when to tell her I’m engaged? (long)

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
  • poll: When should I tell her?
    Tell her now even if the news makes her depression worse. : (60 votes)
    95 %
    Wait a bit longer at the risk of letting her feel left out/finding out from someone else. : (3 votes)
    5 %
    Do something else (what?) : (0 votes)
  • Post # 3
    Member
    539 posts
    Busy bee

    I would tell her now, but that is just me. Our best ‘couple’ friends broke up 5 hours after we got engaged, while it was rough at first to be happy around her, we made it through.  A true friend will be there for you when you are happy, even if she is sad.

    Post # 4
    Member
    171 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: November 2011

    Honesty is the foundation of a real friendship, so you should tell her. You don’t have to gush and go on and on about your happiness, but you should be able to tell her what is going on in your life. How she reacts to that is her decision, and it may make her stronger to have to deal with it. If you don’t tell her, I am sure she will be hurt that you thought she was such a mess she couldn’t handle hearing about your engagement.

    Be prepared to not get the reaction you would hope from a friend. She may take it well, but she may react with jelousy or depression. She might withdraw from you for a while. I think this is normal after a traumatic life event, and you should just be ready to give her space and a little slack until she starts to feel better.

    You sound like a caring friend. Just be honest and open and there for her and it will be okay.

    Post # 5
    Member
    14440 posts
    Honey Beekeeper
    • Wedding: June 2011

    I think you should tell her right away also.  It’s been over a month, so obviously you didnt want want to hurt her by telling her right away and gave her some time to get over the break up.  You can explain that to her or she may already see it.  But it’s been long enough.  Tell her before she hears it from someone else… but continue to support her, and let her know that you’re willing to gush about wedding stuff as much or as little as she can stand.  But hopefully she can be happy for you and be there for you during this exciting time for you also.

    Post # 6
    Member
    2907 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: July 2011

    Definitely tell her right away– it may help her focus on something else. And if not, at least you’re still keeping her in the know, she is your friend after all.

    Do you wear an engagement ring? Can you use that to help bring up the topic? You can talk very briefly about it and move on to something else if she seems frustrated or upset.

     

    Post # 7
    Member
    3314 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: October 2010

    I’d tell her.  She might be sad thinking of what could have been for her, but I’ll bet she’d be more hurt if she found out from someone other then you!

    Post # 8
    Member
    477 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: March 2011

    This is one of those situations where you’re damned if you do, and you’re damned if you don’t.  So you might as well just fess up and tell her you’re engaged.

    She is going to be devastated and upset, I’m sure, but it will be less hurtful if you tell her now than later.  Make it a point to explain that no one else knows either, its not this big plan to keep it from her, and that you just felt she needed a little time before hearing the news. 

    I have def. been in your friends shoes and there really is no right way to deal with it.  But I remember how hurt I was when I found out my friends had kept things from me (even though they were totally correct in assuming I would be upset by their good news).  

    Tell her now.  It will be better in the long run.

    Post # 9
    Member
    24 posts
    Newbee
    • Wedding: July 2011

    It really sucks what happend to your friend, but you should tell her. I know I would be really upset if my friend told me months later.

    Post # 10
    Member
    2309 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: January 2012

    I agree enough time has passed any more will be awkward when she asks when it happened.

    Post # 11
    Hostess
    16213 posts
    Honey Beekeeper

    She will appreciate your sensitivity, but I agree that I would tell her. It’s not an easy thing to do, but keeping it a secret is not fair to her OR to you. Enjoy your engagement and tell your friends!

    Post # 12
    Member
    1498 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: June 2012

    I definitely agree that you should tell her. A friend since 3rd grade should be able to put on her big girl panties and be happy for you even if she’s feeling bad.

    I’m in a very similar situation actually…my SO and I bought a ring at exactly the same time that my best friend of 22 years is getting broken up with by her 4-year boyfriend who she’s still very much in love with. And I haven’t hid a thing from her the whole time, I text her every single time a new development in the ring saga happens, and when I went to her house the other day to have bitch-and-wine time about her ex, the first thing she said was, “Did you get your ring yet?!?!” And I’ve already asked her to be my MOH/co-MOH and she accepted with a grin and said she couldn’t wait. All of this while she’s completely, utterly heartbroken.

    It could be sticky with your friend now though since you’ve kept it from her for so long. If she asks how/when it happened, you should just come clean and say that you didn’t want to hurt her by telling her, but that you just couldn’t keep it in any longer because she’s your best friend and you couldn’t imagine going through this exciting time without her to celebrate with.

    Post # 13
    Member
    6021 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: September 2017

    this is very similar to how it happened when my best friend got engaged. but if she is a true friend she will be happy for you no matter what her current life situation is. It might be a bit bitter sweet because of the emotion it will bring up in her but she should still be happy for you as her friend. When my best friend got engaged I was at the lowest point i have ever been in my romantic life, having just gotten dumped after a 6 year relationship with my sons father. Even though I was sad that I hadnt found that happiness too i was still so so so genuinely happy for her. I think, if your friend is the type of friend I was, she will feel the same. Good luck.

    Post # 15
    Member
    6661 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: May 2010

    I agree with everyone else. A true friend will be able to put her own issues aside to be happy for you. It might even give her something positive to focus on, since she will probably be involved in the wedding, right?

    It was hard for me to talk about my wedding to my single friend, because she was in a constant state of deep depression and didn’t just have one bad breakup, she had guy after guy just stop calling her after about a month of dating. She would cry every time we spoke, but  was able to pull herself together to sound genuinely happy for me and ask about the wedding plans. That’s a true friend in my book!

    Post # 16
    Member
    2116 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: June 2011

    I would 100% tell her now. Hiding it from her will make her feel like an asshole. If you got engaged 2 months ago, its really about time to share the news. If she’s a true friend, she’ll be happy for you instead of letting it make her feel worse.

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