Post # 1
Happy Friday Bees!
I feel a little silly even asking about this scenario, but I’m curious to know how other women would handle the situation.
I have a friend who I previously would consider one of my best friends. I’ll call her Lily. We’ve been friends for 10 years, since high school. We used to chat (text) every other day if not daily. She came to my destination wedding in Mexico. She’s come on numerous of my family vacations. I was the person she would go to to talk about her family life (she had a rough childhood because her mother died young and her father was pretty much a low functioning alcoholic after, although he’s gotten somewhat better in the last few years. He couldn’t hold a job at all through middle school and high school).
Anyway, I’ve been with my husband for almost 4 years now and he and I got serious fast. This was about the time Lily got into a fun partying stage and I sort of backed away from that. From time to time, I would go out with her, but honestly it was rare. Maybe quarterly? Our relationship became weekend lunches and shopping, going to the gym in the evening etc. She went out and partied with other friends every weekend night. It didn’t bother either of us that the other wanted to do opposite things, we made time to get together still.
Anyway, the last year or so she became way more into partying and drinking, which is fine. That’s her thing, whatever. She would start to be flakey and come up with reasons to cancel our (rare) plans. I never said anything about it. But in October I invited her to our housewarming party at our new house (that we had owned for 5 months at that point and she never came to see, despite living less than 5 miles away). All of our other friends came. And even the day before, she texted asking if I needed anything and letting me know she’d be there at X time. Cool! So, she never showed up, never called or texted. I saw on her Instagram that she went to a bar for a Halloween thing (it was Halloween weekend). For clarification, our party started at like 5 pm. So she totally could’ve come for an hour and then gone to the bar for the rest of the night. But I guess the bar and the other friends were more important. I never reached out after this, assuming she would to apologize for bailing. But she never reached out either. Either of us are really confrontational, so it’s been over 2 months now. Would you reach out or just accept that this person probably doesn’t care about the friendship you previously had?
I realize we are at two very different points in life, her being in a single and very carefree phase and me being married, pregnant and kind of a homebody. But this never hindered our friendship in the past. She was super exited to be an aunt and would always show me things she bought for the baby. So I’m just…idk, confused!
Post # 2
If you care about the friendship, continue to reach out occasionally while keeping your expectations low.
If you don’t care, just let it fade away.
Post # 3
Honestly? If you were that close for so long, I would probably reach out and tell her that you were hurt that she didn’t attend your housewarming, but that you don’t want to stay hung up on it and are happy to let it go but would really appreciate it if she would come see your house and put a bit more effort into hanging out.
Post # 4
This happened to me, except she blocked me and our friends everywhere and disappeared to, like, Las Vegas and cut her family out of her life.
If she never blocked you or anything, just stay “social media friends” and keep your expectations low. Reach out occasionally (if you have friends in common say “hey Jessica and Sarah are coming over tonight – love it if you could come too” or whatever) but yeah, if she’s not putting in a lot of effort, just let it go.
Post # 5
sboom : I suppose it isn’t just about that particular party. For the last year she’s been super flakey. I’ve thought about your suggestion before I even posted this and I guess I feel like that would be begging her to continue our friendship. I have other friends who aren’t flakes and who are always asking how I’m doing etc. My other concern is that I’m having a baby in 2 months. I don’t want her to make promises to my child and then not show up. Maybe this friendship just ran it’s course?
megm1099 : Well that’s pretty crazy! She definitely didn’t do anything like that lol we’re still friends on Snap, FB and Instagram. Our larger group of friends has a group chat that occasionally is active and she participates in there. I know my mom invited her to my baby shower thats coming up this month and she hasn’t responded. I think you’re right about letting it go. I’ve tried in the past despite her being flakey. There’s only so far I’m willing to go
Post # 6
I feel like this just happens naturally when you are in different life stages. Now that I am married with kids, I hang out mostly with other moms. When my husband and I were dating, we hung out mostly with other couples.
Once you have a baby, you are likely to be less flexible and available. Most of my ‘single girlfriends’ have only met my son once. (He is 1.5 years old) I don’t hold this against them – I imagine we will be close again when they also have kids, or when my kids are old enough that I’m back out on the town.
Post # 7
mrscb2bee : It may very well have run its course, but I would be inclined to tell her that you feel like you’re drifting apart but would prefer not to, and give her the opportunity to prove otherwise. At least that way you know you didn’t just let a friendship die without trying.
Post # 8
- Wedding: July 2020 - Ireland
I’m going through this right now actually, except it’s my married and now pregnant friend who is blowing me off – I’m not married, no kids, engagement is pending. She has essentially blown me off for her other married/mom friends. I’m not some wild party girl either. Yeah we used to drink here and there hanging out before she got pregnant but she was well aware that wasn’t required. And, she is way wilder than me historically! Occasional drug use, etc. Are you sure that you haven’t subconsciously alienated your single friends for the married/preggo ones? Not saying you have, but worth considering.
As for my friend, I’m just letting it go. And if she decides to suddenly want to reconnect once I’m married or pregnant, it’s gonna be a no from me. If I’m not good enough to be your friend at this stage of my life, then you can suck it. It’s your loss.
Post # 9
- Wedding: May 2019 - City, State
I think unfortunately your friendship has run its course. I had a similar thing happen with my best friend from college. She literally stopped talking to me right in the middle of a conversation, her last text was “I’ll call you when I get home” but she never called, and I didn’t hear from her again for MONTHS despite numerous attempts to get in contact. Then when I finally heard from her it was just to yell at me because I contacted her brother asking if she was alright. Since then she’s apparently been in contact with a couple mutual friends, but I haven’t heard anything. She was always notorious for not responding to texts etc., and I knew she was struggling with her depression so I continued to try to reach out and say hi and let her know I was still there for her. But I never heard anything, and after I found out that she’d been in contact with some of our other college friends just not me, I took the hint.
It sucks to lose a friend, I’m sorry you’re going through this. But it’s her loss in the end.
Post # 10
- Wedding: July 2020 - City, State
If you care about her, I’d reach out. She could be feeling embarrassed that she is not as established as you are, and maybe she is insecure that she cannot bring anything to the friendship anymore since her penchant is to party every weekend.
The “good” thing about party friends is that they rarely make one feel accountable for anything, as having a good time is the focus of the dynamic. So she might just feel it’s easier to be closer to them than she is with you.
Post # 11
I had a situation like this with a college friend. We were sorority sisters and were very close, but then right after she graduated she got back together with her ex (who worked in IT but dealt drugs on the side) and moved in with him, and suddenly kept flaking on me and our other friends.
One time I was going to have a party at my apartment, and for a couple weeks leading up to it she said she was excited to see me, and even confirmed the day before that she would be there… but she never showed. She texted me two weeks later (?!) saying that she was so sorry she had missed the party, but “something came up.” We could all tell something was going on, but she wouldn’t really open up about it and no one wanted to push the issue.
Then she accepted a job offer in another state, re-broke up with the boyfriend, and let us know she was moving. I was happy for her, as this seemed like it would be a fresh start for her. But just a few months after the move, she suddenly died… of a heroin overdose.
That was when the full truth came out. The scumbag ex and his lowlife friends had somehow gotten her into heroin. It turned out that the guy was also physically abusive (which I had suspected, because I had seen suspicious bruises on her before) and often kept her from seeing her friends. The reason why she had missed my party was because she had been completely zonked out on heroin on a days-long bender. Even though she left the guy, she couldn’t kick the addiction and things just spiralled out of control. I hadn’t seen her in over a year when she died, and I was filled with so much regret that I wrote her off and didn’t reach out more when I sensed something was wrong.
Anyway, it’s a long shot, but you mentioned that your friend has gotten really into partying. Do you think drugs are involved? I’m not sure I’d continue investing a lot into this friendship, as it’s more likely that the two of you are simply in different phases of life, but on the off chance that she needs help, maybe keep reaching out to her every so often so she knows that you’re still there for her. And if she contacts you, be receptive. That doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t address her behavior — it’s fine to let her know that you were disappointed that she didn’t come to your housewarming party, and to let her know that you would really appreciate seeing more of her. But who knows? She may be in over her head with all the partying, and she may need a friend not too long from now. As others said, just keep your expectations low in the mean time.
Post # 12
Keep on creepin on with your own life and let it go.
Post # 13
How old are you guys?
I am older now (37) and sort of went through the same thing. First of my group of friends to get married, and had a baby in my early 20s who is now 14. For the first few years of married life/motherhood, my friends were totally on a different page, and we only connected once a month or so (and via text). Fast forward a few years, and they had started to settle down, be responsible, going out less. And we reconnected more then, and are closer than ever these days. A couple have young kids of their own, and a few don’t have kids yet but plan on it.
So, things are always ebbing and flowing, and that’s ok. Here in 4 years, they may have babies and I’ll be an empty nesters. But it doesn’t mean we don’t care about each other, it’s just that we are in different stages sometimes. And now that we are all in our 30s, we look back at us 10 years ago and realize that despite us caring about each other, there were times ALL of us (me included) were selfish and self centered in our behavior towards each other. Ah, such is life when you’re young, I guess. One of my closest friends every was great as a young 20-something, HORRIBLE in her mid-20s where I just couldn’t deal (bad attitude, partying, chasing after men right and left) and we barely talked. She grew up a ton in late 20s, and now is SUCH a successful, classy woman I totally admire.
Whole point being – if you care about her, let it go for now, life and friendships ebb and flow. If you decide you’re over it, that’s fine too, and just keep her as a good memory.
Post # 14
Friendships do come and go through life circumstances. It’s happened with me and friends of mine over the years (I’m 39). Almost all of us had kids young so kids never factored into it, but a couple of my friends I was the closest to in my early 20s for married many, many years before me. We stayed friends for awhile but eventually our lives were just going in different directions when the married people wanted to stay home and I wanted to get out there and meet people and stuff like that. So eventually I got closer to friends who were in that same stage of life as I was, single and dating. Now I’m almost married and never really go out or anything. My once very good friend I used to party with and hang out with a lot I barely talk to anymore because she’s recently divorced and is going out drinking all the time while I’m at the stage where I hang out at home. A lot of friendships, even super close ones, are fluid and can run different courses due to where people are at in life.
Post # 15
As you can see from PP comments, this kind of thing is super common.
Even without intervening big events like marriage, babies and moving house, friendships run their course all the time. In this case, it seems pretty clear that your friend wants to put more of her energy into going out and partying. Perhaps the two of you don’t have much in common any more and she doesn’t know how to tell you. The reason why your friendship seems to have stalled is not really all that important. It looks as if you are just going in different directions.
That said, friendships are a unique kind of relationship which are all about mutual choice and consent to stay close and be in each other’s lives. There aren’t bonds like marriage or family ties. For this reason, I have pretty high standards of politeness for my friendships. For someone to tell you they were coming to your party and then just not pitch up without letting you know and then never contact you again, is disrespectful and selfish. What’s more, she knows she behaved badly and that’s why she has not reached out.
Personally, I do not allow flakes into my inner circle of good friends. For me, manners are really important, and if they are to you too, then I would relegate this friendship to “acquaintance” status. I don’t like sitting around being disappointed by friends or friends who break their word. That’s just me.