Friend making dangerous choices- advice please

posted 5 days ago in Emotional
Post # 2
Member
4064 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

Honestly…I know you mean well, but it’s not really your place to step in and discuss her and her husband’s method of birth control unless she specifically asks for your opinion. I would make sure she is fully aware of any benefits or goverment aid that she qualifies for, or even recommend some books on family planning…but anything else is being too intrusive. She’s a grown woman. She’s well aware how babies are made. 

Post # 3
Member
1816 posts
Buzzing bee

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@FutureMrsBex:  I kind of agree with this. And while I know you mean well, Bee, I honestly don’t think you’d get through to her no matter what you say. If a 41 year old wife and mother doesn’t understand that the situation she’s literally living is a direct result of her decisions and actions, what could you possibly say to change that?

And re: breastfeeding – I had every intention to breastfeed and it was excruciating so we did formula from the start. She can’t plan on that. And even if she’s successful, it’s certainly not “free.”

Yes, she sounds like an idiot, but she’s not your responsibility. And she very well may be offended if you press her. I’d steer clear because this will likely really crash and burn. I think all you can do is be there to support her if/when she needs it and if you feel like it’s appropriate and healthy for you to do so. 

Post # 4
Member
426 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2021

Honestly, I don’t think this is something you need to talk to her about again. As hard as it can be to see friends making decisions we don’t agree with, we have to accept  our limitations and their boundaries. You can’t make your friend get on birth control or make any other particular choices regarding her body or her husband’s job or any of these things. You said she listens to her family and her church more than you anyway, so it seems like you might not have much influence here to begin with. Let her family and her church guide her. If she asks you for your opinion, you can give it. Otherwise, I think you’re a bit too involved in this friend’s life and too invested in her decisions. Accept that this is her life and not yours, take a breath, and step back. I think your job as her friend here is to just support her where and how you can.

Post # 6
Member
5240 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2017

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@anonymousfriend15:  I’m guessing this is a very close friend, but you are very, very wrapped up in this. Using the word panicked about your friends situation set an alarm off for me.

I used to be completely wrapped up in my bil and his drama with his wife (she passed away three years ago) and how horrible of a situation it was for their kids being raised the way they were, how they weren’t doing anything to better themselves, and on and on. I spent a lot of time and energy thinking about them and fuming (mine came from a place of frustration and love for the kids, not so much love for the two of them). Things changed when she died, completely abruptly. I became involved in getting the kids the help that they needed, but eventually I had to pull away. All of my frustrations with my bil were still there, though I had a break for two years or so due to the shock of the death of my sil. Those feelings of anger and frustration returned and I had to step away to focus on my own life and my own growing family.

It’s a really hard thing to do, if she hadn’t died, I think I would still be caught up in that unhealthy cycle of focusing on what they were doing and what they shouldn’t be doing etc.

Start with some small boundaries, like not bringing up the subject of birth control again. Talk about it if she brings it up and try not to focus too much of the conversation on it.

I know you love her and I know you’re worried about her, but you can’t make her change, and it seems like you’re spending a lot of time and energy worrying about her 

Post # 7
Member
325 posts
Helper bee

Not to sound harsh but this is none of your business. Religion has a way of making lots of lives difficult which may happen here with the BC issue, but people are entitled to believe whatever they want and they should expect to deal with any ramifications themselves. You seem kind and concerned but this is nothing to do with you. Emotional support is really all you can provide, I wish the best for your friend.

Post # 9
Member
15392 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

Stay out of it unless she asks.  Honestly, you sound really judgemental of her.  These are the choices she’s made in life, and while you may not have made the same or understand them, this is what she’s working with and seems to have been able to deal with thus far.   Is she asks or talks about stuff she’s having trouble with, then yes, certainly offer help if you know any.  Or ask and see if she wants to talk, but certainly don’t offer unsolicited “help” regarding birth control or stuff she obviously knows about.  She’s made her choice based on her beliefs, and that’s on her. 

Post # 10
Member
5240 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2017

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@anonymousfriend15:  my anger and frustration came from watching the kids be raised by an emotionally abusive mother (my sil), having come from an emotionally abusive child hood. I had to separate myself from that. Knowing that having anxiety about yourself being in that situation could be the key to separating yourself a little

Post # 12
Member
5240 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2017

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@anonymousfriend15:  it could be that you’re projecting your anxieties onto her situation, definitely. 

Someone said that to me, before my sil died, that it must be hard to watch things from my own child hood play out, and the light bulb went off. I knew I was way wrapped up in the situation but until that person said something, I didn’t really know why

Post # 14
Member
421 posts
Helper bee

Oh bee, you sound like you care alot about this friend and the baby. Honestly, I would feel the same as you. I don’t think people who can’t support themselves should be having children. Planning to have a child when you know you can’t afford food? That’s pretty messed up IMO. But I probably wouldn’t say anything. I would honestly probably start distancing myself. I wouldn’t want to be drawn into more of their drama, or alternatively, be the one they hit up for money or a shoulder to cry on when she gets pregnant again or when they can’t afford diapers or gas.

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