(Closed) Friend miscarried – need advice

posted 7 years ago in Babies
Post # 3
Member
1263 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2009

I would offer to go to lunch/drinks/shopping/pedicure/movie with her.  She may not want to talk about it right now but may want to do things to keep her mind off of the miscarriage.  I went through one and had a hard time talking about it but was very appreciative when my friends and family reached out to me.  Let her know you are thinking of her and are there for her.  I would stay away from flowers or a card as that may just be a painful reminder of the loss.

Post # 4
Member
4824 posts
Honey bee

I would go over and drop off a hot dinner. She will get enough flowers/cards likely, but she isnt going to feel like cooking. 

 

Post # 5
Member
650 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

first, its awesome that your there for you friend 🙂 trust me she will really, really apperciate it.  Speaking from going through one myself recently,  def ancknowledge the loss as you would anyone else who lost a loved one. acknowledge it as her baby. when people acknoldged my baby or even called him by his name, you have no idea how mmuch that meant to me.  even though the baby isnt “known” by others, it is surely known by the mother who lost it.  also let her talk (or not talk about it, if she doesnt want to) one of my good friends came over and she let me vent for hours (and he brought wine and cake, that always helps!). i think a heartfelt card would be really nice, just letting her know you are there would def. help. also dont be afraid to ask her how shes doing down hte road. dont let her think you forgot about her or that she should get over it fast. anyyways, i think its awesome your reaching out to her.

also a good meal, would be nice. i know when we went through ours, my mom fed us for a week straight.

Post # 7
Member
1263 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2009

@ pitbul, yes I would still acknowledge it as her baby.  At 10 weeks she certainly was thinking of he/she as her baby. 

Post # 8
Member
4038 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

I agree with @winniewolf: what I needed most was a distraction. I was hurting like nobody’s business, but I was desperate not to dwell on all the time, for my own sanity. I needed to not think about it or talk about it for a while. 

Also, booze. I wanted to get drunk and forget like I never had before…maybe not the most responsible thing, but it sure as hell made me feel better for a while. 

And don’t push conversation. Let her know you’re there to listen if she wants to talk, but only when she wants it. There were (are) times that the last thing I wanted to do was talk about it. I felt broken, and sometimes I just really wanted to talk about something light and fun and meaningless.

And be prepared when she does talk. I know the first few conversations I had were very very angry and bitter, and I really appreciated my friends (there were 3 who knew IRL) that let me be angry and bitter, and didn’t try to make me feel better or coddle me, but quietly let me rant and rave about the unfairness of life and get it all out. 

I’m very very sorry for your friend.

Post # 9
Member
5496 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2010

We referred to ours as a baby. Sure, technically it is not a baby, but trust me, when you miscarry it is still a baby!! I have always referred to our “Mango” as our baby. So has my husband. We still miss Mango. I love the ideas above about bringing her a hot dinner. After I miscarried last year I had no energy or desire to cook and if a friend had brought a hot dinner, I would have been so grateful! My husband took care of me (and dinners) but I think that is a fantastic idea and wonderful way to show her you care. You are a great friend!!

Post # 12
Member
255 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: January 2011

I’m sorry for your friend’s loss. I think any of the gestures mentioned by pp would be really well received. You know your friend and whether or not she might be the type who needs support/to sound off, or needs time alone to reflect. Based on that I’d either be there with a hot meal  or bottle of wine and an ear to listen, or to give her a sweet card to let her know you’re there when she’s ready/in need.

I also really second @stargal34: about following up on her and her whole healing process down the road. I may just be speaking for myself, but a really hard part of dealing with my m/c was after it happened and physically things began to return to normal, it was almost like the whole ordeal was swept under the rug. Obviously life goes on, but it was still really painful for me. Sometimes I felt like I was the only one affected, or that it almost wasn’t real because nobody else mentioned it or showed any signs that they were still in grief/thinking of me. While I know most just don’t want to re-open the wound, its nice to know that as the months pass you still have loved ones there to acknowledge the loss and your feelings.

Post # 13
Member
5496 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2010

@LAGS: I felt the same way (swept under the rug)!!! Like life was just supposed to go back to normal, but it didn’t FEEL normal. I was still grieving. So sorry you went throught that, too. 🙁

Post # 14
Member
1572 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I actually just had this happen to my best friend last month and came here to get advice from the bees as well. The advice I got was great.

I took an afternoon and just went over and laid on the couch and hung out. I made a lasagna that she could reheat for her, hubby and little one and also a bread for them to have the next morning. I really think she appreciated it. We just spent some time hanging out, and we talked about it a little more when she brought it up, which made us both cry. Another girlfriend sent flowers, which she had nicely displayed on the kicthen table so I think she appreciated them as well.

I like the hot meal idea, it was really appreciated and helpful. But I think just the quality time is the best. The only thing I have to say is I would stay clear of “it all happens for a reason” sayings. I know those always just irritate me no matter what the sitaution. I would just stay positive but at the same time don’t belittle her situation. I considered it like the mourning of nay othe person. Hope that helps!

Post # 16
Member
1572 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

Oh and to answer your other question, yes refer to as their baby. She stillmourns the lost for the life that could have been. Another thing I’ll point out is that my Boyfriend or Best Friend had a friend at work she told about the miscarriage. That friend discreetly emailed some of the people she was close to at work so when she showed up the  next week, people wouldn’t be asking questions about her pregnancy and such, my friend really appreciated this, but its soemthing I would run by the person first of course. Another thing Boyfriend or Best Friend has told me is that she’s saddened by seeing her pregnant friends. She’s still happy for them but its just a constant reminder of her loss. So maybe avoid any baby/pregnancy news for a little bit.

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