Friend Moving in

posted 1 year ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
2203 posts
Buzzing bee

fluffhead :  oh, bee…this is not your cross to bear. You’d think that someone facing homelessness would buckle down and do what it takes to finance their own lifestyle—unless they’ve got a safety net [insert your name here]. 

 

Before she moves in with you, you’ll need to tell her a deadline that you and your FH can allow her to stay. Tell her she will have to be out by this time next month, as you’re trying to build and cultivate a relationship, and you both didn’t agree to having a roommate when you planned on joining your lives together. If she doesn’t understand, well, it may be time to let the friendship die. 

 

It isn’t too late for you to rescind the offer altogether, though. It isn’t your responsibility to support a grown ass capable woman who refuses to help herself. 

Post # 3
Member
2705 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2015 - St Peter\'s Church, East Maitland, and Bella Vista, Newcastle

You’re not being a terrible friend at all – you’re being a really good friend in allowing her to move in with you.  What you will need is a roommate agreement, signed before she moves in.  Yeah, it sounds like I’m Sheldon from the Big Bang Theory, but it’s the only way you are going to be able to make this work.  It should include:

– Fixed length of time that you are making your home available to her.  Three months, six months, whatever you and your fiance decide.  I wouldn’t make it any longer than six months and three would be better.  If she knows this from the very beginning it will be easier to say “hey, Jo, how’s your apartment hunt coming along?  You know you only have a month left before we need you to be in your own place.”

– One FULL weekend day (ie 9am-8pm) she must be out of the apartment.  Non-negotiable.  This is vital for the sake of your relationship with your fiance, which has to be your primary concern.

– She needs to pay a fair rental.  If you don’t make her pay rent, you’re enabling her and therefore helping her continue her no-job lifestyle.  And you’d be subsidising her lifestyle too.

– Expectations.  Is she expecting you to buy groceries and cook for her?  Who will clean the bathroom, does she have to chip in for household necessities like toilet paper and dishwashing liquid?

– She needs to be applying for jobs.  She cannot expect other people to subsidise her life forever. Fast food, waitressing, driving Uber, whatever.  She needs to get something. 

Laying boundaries down isn’t cruel, it’s kind.  Everyone knows what the expectations are and it means everything is clear.  Honestly in your shoes I would be very concerned at the impact her moving in is going to have on your relationship with your fiance. Don’t set yourself on fire to keep her warm.

I can’t help with any resources I’m afraid, as I’m in Australia.  

Post # 4
Member
3401 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2016

I would set a strict timeline on it. Let her know you’re happy to do this until she finds a place, but that it’s in no way a long term option. If she takes offense to that, then perhaps she won’t move in and you can be saved from all of this.

You sound like a great friend. But I think you’d be an even better friend by letting her stay short term and helping her find a job and get her own place asap. 

Post # 5
Member
4388 posts
Honey bee

Honestly, I wouldn’t let her move in in the first place.

She’s not facing homelessness, she’s facing the consequences of her own laziness and immaturity.  This isn’t a woman whose house burned down.  This isn’t a woman whose car accident left with her with hundreds of thousands in medical bills.  This is a user who refuses to grow up.

You said she could rent a room somewhere, but doesn’t want to unless it meets certain conditions.  Well, eventually she’ll learn that the condition of living with a roommate you don’t know will probably be better than living on the street.

Is she even paying you rent?  

Basically, all you are doing is prolonging her codependency and perpetuating her Peter Pan syndrome.  

If you insist on doing this, I would draw up an airtight contract outlining how much she has to pay, the length of the lease, and the conditions of her living there.  And if she won’t sign it, then she can go groveling to her parents again.

It is not your job to fix or motivate her.

Post # 6
Hostess
3208 posts
Sugar bee

This entire situation you’ve signed yourself (and your F I) up for has trouble written ALL over it. Your friend is not capable of adulting, and you already stated you’re not capable of enforcing healthy boundaries with her. In addition, while you feel you’re helping her, really you’re just enabling her to continue to not adult.

Nearly your entire post was about how you already know this is a bad idea, but you’re going to do it anyway. All I can say is yes, you’re right. This is a bad idea.

Post # 7
Member
3595 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

fluffhead :  this is going to sound heartless, but i wouldn’t let her live with you. At first i thought you sounded like a really caring friend – until i saw that she’s going to be homeless because she’s been living on someone else’s couch FOR 7 MONTHS. that’s not a “shit my life fell apart and I’m desperate” situation – that’s just straight up freeloading. She’s had time to figure out her life and she just hasn’t. At this point, allowing her to live with you is just enabling her. She’s gotta put on some big girl panties and grow up sometime. 

Post # 8
Member
2021 posts
Buzzing bee

I think this has disaster written all over it. It’s not like she was laid off, can’t afford rent and has no where to go. She is actively choosing to not apply to jobs and take work, in order to save up and rent her own place (or room). 

I think 100% that if you let her move in, you will end up having to kick her out and it will probably end your friendship. I wouldn’t hold your breath that she will follow through with any roommate agreements or requests (however reasonable they may be) based on what you’ve said. 

Is there a reason (other than not wanting to) that she can’t go back and live with her dad? 

Post # 9
Member
886 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 1983

You know this is doomed–you say so in detail in your post. It will only cause trouble.

Post # 10
Member
3757 posts
Honey bee

Oh hell no. Jo is lazy af and all you’re doing is enabling her. It is not your responsibility to feed, clothe and house this girl. She needs to get off her ass and get a job. Don’t let her move in, you’ll never get rid of her. 

 

Post # 11
Member
3005 posts
Sugar bee

fluffhead :  Please don’t be like so many other bees who receive great advice on this site, and just ignore it. I know you mentioned that yours is a vent, but do listen and take the advice. Don’t let this person move in with you. If you do, it won’t benefit her really, and it will be inviting unnecessary conflict and unhappiness into your home.

Post # 12
Member
1167 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2019

She probably has no motivation because people keep bailing her out. You’ve given her the safety net of being able to live with you indefinitely. What’s her motivation to be an adult? We all have to do things we don’t like to get ahead in life. She needs to grow up and stop expecting hand outs.

Post # 13
Member
672 posts
Busy bee

People are giving good advice. It’s kind of the same as someone with an addiction – if you enable them there’s no reason for them to get help. If she keeps getting free room and board, free food, free tv, etc, there is zero motivation for her to change. If the situation was new and she just lost a job and needs to get back on her feet that’s one thing. But it sounds like this is her normal. If you let her in I would bet that it’s going to be extremely hard to get her out. She’s an adult and has been carried too long. She needs to figure it out on her own. 

Post # 14
Member
2541 posts
Sugar bee

Rental contract outlining every condition for her living there, no matter how insignificant you think it might be. 

If she won’t sign it, you’re better off. 

If she does sign it, be ready to enforce the consequences of not upholding her end of the deal. 

Post # 15
Member
9024 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

fluffhead :  You are being a great friend but you are about to be taken advantage of.

For starters your friend is not about to become homeless. You have said she would be able to afford to rent a room in a share house but won’t do that,  she is just being picky and you are enabling her.

There is nothing you can do to make her pull her life together. She is the only one that can do that. What you can do is not enable her.

If I was in your shoes I would not let her move in. I would give her resources for crisis accommodation (who will hopefully tell her she doesn’t fit the criteria since she is fully capable to rent a room on her own), give her info on employment agencies and info on support services like therapy.

 

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