Friend Moving in

posted 2 years ago in Relationships
Post # 16
1070 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2014

Please, Please don’t let her move in. She has had ample time to find her feet and you have so many concerns and not ONE positive on your post. It sounds like it will end up being forever so just be strong and say that as a couple you have realised that alone time is really important for your relationship so you have decided that a roommate is just not going to be suitable. Offer to help her find her own place or help in other ways but don’t give her an easy way out again. Even if she does have some sort of ‘social’ issue she still needs to learn how to survive in the real world, she is NOT your responsibility. 

Post # 17
1513 posts
Bumble bee

In your situation I wouldn’t even let her move in, I just can’t see it ending well…. You are a very generous friend. Perhaps she needs some counselling of some sort as it seems like she is struggling with adulthood and being independent 

Post # 18
271 posts
Helper bee

Do not do this. Do not let her move in. Please don’t. 

I had a similar situation. I had a 2 bedroom apartment and we weren’t really using the second room. I knew a woman who was going through rough time and she lived about 2 hours away. She was a RN and finally found a job near me so I let her move in temporarily. The agreement was she would pay half the rent but I would take care of the utilities. She had her own bathroom so she would clean after herself in her room and bathroom and the kitchen after usage. 

She moved in and I asked when she’d start working and it was “next week” for several weeks. Then she finally told me the truth that she didn’t get the job. She had lied and moved in hopes of getting the job, never even had an interview! I have friends who are RN so they gave me some leads but she never followed. After 2 months, she was late on her rent and it took her 17 days to pay. I told her if she was late again, I would have to ask her to move out. She was late the next month by few days but since she was late before, I understood she would have trouble getting money and let it go. Reminded her late again and she’s out. By then, she was already there close to 5 months. She wasn’t cleaning up after herself and was ALWAYS there. She would always knock on my door when she knew my ex was with me and it got to a point the apartment smelled horrible when I came home from work because of her. 

I asked if she would be able to make next month’s rent and she said she didn’t think so. I said she would need to vacate if she cannot pay rent and she said okay. First of the month came, no rent and she said she can’t pay. I gave her 30 days to vacate and she said okay. I asked her periodically how her job search was coming and apartment search was coming along. She just said good. Then about a week before she was due out, she threw a HUGE fit. Said I was being greedy and I didn’t need the room. She had 3 sons who lived within 10 miles of where we lived and none of the 3 wanted to help her or take her in for a bit. She was throwing a tantrum and I just said if she’s not out, I would call police. Thankfully I had everything in writing. 

The day came and she wasn’t home. I went into the room and found she had her stuff there still and found white powder on her dresser. My ex said it was meth. I called and she didn’t answer. I texted her to come get her crap and was livid. I told her I would call the cops and that I found the meth. She didn’t reply. I called again later and left message that if she came right then and there and picked up her stuff, I would not call the cops. She came less than an hour later and got her things. 

All because I was a nice person. Don’t do it. 

Post # 22
3065 posts
Sugar bee

If this is your place, you need to set some ground rules. Make it a trial, month by month basis if you want.You and fiance will evaluate each month if you can continue the arrangement. Or make it contingent on her finding a job in 2 months & being able to contribute to rent (even if it’s a small amount). If you have to break it off because she didn’t follow the guidelines, then so be it. There’s always shelters. It would suck, but it’s still a roof over her head.

Let her know you and your fiance would like some time alone now and then, so that would be a great time for her to run errands, apply for jobs, visit a friend, etc. Don’t say it like “you must leave every Wednesday for 4 hours”. Just that you & fiance are letting her stay with the agreement you can still have some alone time. And she needs to respect that.

Post # 24
486 posts
Helper bee

View original reply
fluffhead :  your friend is able to be self sufficient. I know how expensive city living can be, but she could also work two jobs or work overtime? I just don’t understand how or why she wasted 7 months- she could’ve saved up to have her own place. I’m not trying to be rude, I just don’t understand the logic. Also it is not your responsibility to take care of your friends, you are very sweet on offering her a place to stay, but she also needs to grow up a little.

Post # 26
133 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2018

I agree with a deadline and a signed agreement, if she is Asperger’s as you think she may be, having things set out very clearly may be useful for her in knowing the boundaries of living there. Must have a job after 3 months, pay X amount of rent, X amount of chores, give you and your Fiance space to be a couple, be out by X date. If those aren’t followed them give 1 warning and then she’s out.

You are being very kind, but you do have to make sure it’s a mutually beneficial arrangement with clear expectations.

Post # 27
100 posts
Blushing bee

I’m glad you’re helping when you don’t have to. Set some boundaries, be fair. Let her save money so she can afford to move out. You have the space and if she’s a good friend be a good friend to her too. I would do the same for a friend. Sure, maybe she was freeloading off the friend before, but if you set ground rules and make things clear then hopefully it works out. If it doesn’t work out and she gets upset with you when it’s time to move out, then atleast you know you tried and did everything you could. 

And I would say first 3 months, no rent needed. Then the next 3 she could help with rent and try to be out before 9 months. If she needs a month or two more then it’ll be better than saying 1 year as the cut off time and then getting upset when she needs more time.

Post # 29
1377 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

I went through a long period of job-searching once and one thing that helped me was to get out of the sitting around on the couch applying for jobs and go somewhere that would force me to put on some actual clothes and get out of the house. I’d do the same thing – apply for jobs online – but the change in venue was helpful and made me focus better. The local library was the obvious choice but it could also be a coffee shop or a local park or something. Maybe put that in the contract that she has to go job-search at the library x  nights a week so you and fiancée can get alone time?

What is her professional background if she even has one?

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