Friend Moving in

posted 2 years ago in Relationships
Post # 30
305 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2018

Your post reads like a horror movie waiting to happen.  Don’t do it!!!  You already know exactly how this is going to go down.  Why would you do that to yourself AND your fiance??!  Let the girl figure her shit out the same way we’ve all had to.

Post # 31
5046 posts
Bee Keeper

1.  Stop using your HCOL area as an excuse for her.  You know what people who can’t afford a HCOL area do?  They get roommates or they move to a lower cost of living area.  She has options.  She also has nothing tying her to the specific area. It’s not like she’s pulling kids from school. It’s not like she has a job that keeps her there. She just chooses to not exercise any of these options and freeload off of people instead.

2.  Are you sure she is even ALLOWED to live with you?  Have you looked at your lease to confirm this?  This is assuming you rent rather than own your apartment. Because she most likely can’t be a guest.  Most apartments have restrictions on guests (even my condo association despite everyone owning their unit).  The rules are usually something like no more than a handful of days a month.  In order for her to legally stay there, she will likely need to be on the lease either as a co-tenant or authorized occupant, which means you have minimal legal recourse to end this early if this goes south and as long as she is on the lease, she has a legal right to be there whenever she wants (i.e. you can’t mandate your one day a week).

You should also be looking into tenants rights in your area and get legal advice first because if you try to do this on the down-low without putting her on your lease as either a co-tenant or authorized occupant (and risk being evicted if caught in violation of your lease), the rules about whether you can end your agreement may change once money exchanges hands or she has been there a certain period of time and change her to a de facto tenant with rights. 

Post # 32
379 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2018

Nope I wouldn’t do it. I say this because my fiance had this same situation with a friend of his and it builds resentment on all sides. Feel free to PM me about it.

Post # 33
55 posts
Worker bee

I think all you kindness and loyalty towards your friend is very admirable. People are lucky to have friends like you. That being said, I think it’s time for some tough love and you need to set her a timeline on when she has to move out. 

Post # 34
9524 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2013

she’s not going to be homeless.  she can live with her dad.  she just doesn’t want to.

you already see so many red flags with this. i think you should follow your gut.

Post # 35
2382 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: NJ

Please don’t let her move in. None of it is going to work, and the 2 of you are going to become enemies and it will cost you money, frustration, and will not end well. 

I can’t say it strongly enough. Don’t let her move in with you. It won’t go well.

Post # 37
1458 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2019

oh God. You’re making her problem your problem. You know it’s wrong and you don’t want to do it but emotional guilt is keeping you from making the logical decision.

This will hurt you. This will hurt you and your fiance. 

What is essential? 

What is essential is you and your fiance starting your lives together without stress and drama. 

Jo will not help this situation. Jo is not a good friend. 

Jo will continue sucking the life out of you and not being a good friend based on previous behavior. 

Now, you’re really feeling guilty about going back on your word, which should have been No in the first place. Which is right to feel. 

But you must go back and tell Jo upon further consideration you made a mistake and that you wish her well but she will need to find someone elses couch to sleep on. You do with her well, but you can understand if she doesn’t want to be friends anymore. 

Next time, when you want to say no, just say no. 

If you still for some really ridiculous reason think that Jo is above the harmony of both you and your fiance life and you are going to let her live with you, she must have a lease that you both sign and agree to. 

Good luck Bee!

Post # 38
3467 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

View original reply
fluffhead :  Jo sounds like the very LAST person you’d want to move in with you. And if she sees things so “black and white” I imagine she’d grasp at some point the fact that people who are unemployed have no money. And in turn people with no money have no place to live. Ergo she will need to look for a job. It’s kind of you to be there for your friend, but it is not your responsibility to support her financially. 

Post # 39
1700 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2018

OK,  so here’s what I did with my sister.  I charged her a very cheap rent and told her she’d be out if she didn’t pay it. She ended up doing americorps vista for a year and really enjoying it.  I liked that she had to go into work every day and was getting good work experience.  She was actually offered a full time position at the end of her contract,  but opted to take a different job instead.

  I’ll say it’s better then nothing,  although she is back living with the parents because like Jo,  she refuses to live with anyone she doesn’t know,  and even a studio apartment would take a significant amount of her income. 

TBH,  for a friend,  I wouldn’t do it. There’s souxh that can go so badly wrong.  What happens if you have to evict her? As a tenant,  she’ll have rights.  I’d look into tenant law in your area and find out what you’d need to do to evict her if necessary. Also do a contract with everything spelled out.  

Post # 40
7129 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2016

Why on earth would you let someone who has been squatting on someone else’s couch for SEVEN MONTHS move into your home? That is a terrible idea. Beyond foolish all the way into absolutely ridiculous, in fact. And to top it off, Jo has the nerve to be offended that the person who generously took her in expressed a need for her to leave their space one day a week.

Jo would have to kiss my entire ass. Let her move home to her father. She is choosing homelessness and she’s choosing not to launch. That’s not your fault and not your responsibility to address.

And what does your Fiance say about this? There’s no way my husband could come to me trying to get me to let one of his buster friends move from another friend’s couch to our home and not have hellfire rain down on him.

Post # 41
1168 posts
Bumble bee

This sounds horrible, and you really shouldn’t do it. Your relationship with your fiance will suffer terribly. Several months without any privacy or time to yourselves?NOPE. 

Jo needs to grow up and be an adult. Sounds like she really needs a swift kick in the rear to launch into self-sufficiency.  Frankly, I wouldn’t worry about losing that friendship.

Post # 42
1246 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 1983

Don’t set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm.

Post # 43
9101 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

View original reply
fluffhead :,  
View original reply
annabananabee :  is completely right — “all you are doing is prolonging her codependency“. This is going to be a disaster and will probably ruin your friendship. By the end, she will be no better off than at the beginning, and you will be worse off. You’re trying to be nice, but what you’re doing is enabling. It sounds like you’re determined to do it though, so best wishes to you. You sound very kind and I hope I’m wrong. 

Post # 44
330 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

View original reply
fluffhead :  I highly recommend you do not let your friend live with you- especially rent free in exchange for cleaning the place. I honestly do not think it’s a good idea on so many levels.

If your friend sees things in black and white then she’ll probably see the first three months as heaven.  But once you oppose some financial responsibilities on her that she most likely can’t even meet then it will either be:

1). She’ll see you as a mean friend to her and you are just being a bully because you know her situation and you know she has no money, or

2). You feel bad with her sob story and you’ll let it slide for one month… which then becomes two… and then much much more longer.

Honestly I would offer a temporary stay ONLY if she has a job… and that’s only for her to build up some savings before she has to move out. It’s one thing if luck was playing against her and she just lost a job.  But it’s another if she was just being too lazy and comfortable with being babied that she didn’t even bother looking for one.

I had a friend like that.  I didn’t offer her a place to stay but her head was obviously in the clouds where she like to imagine herself in a valued position but made no effort to gain any skills.  She was unemployed for the longest time because she had people caring for her ALL the time.  Why change?  She knew her shortfalls and was too overwhelmed that it was easier for her to stick her head in the sand.  She had many people taking care of her so it was appealing for her to stay in her little bubble because she didn’t have to face herself.  And when I gave her some tough love (eg pushing her to look for a job, sending her postings, etc) she didn’t want to talk to me as much because I no longer babied her and was trying to treat her like an adult.

So my suggestion to you is – if you are going to offer her a place then set the rules and expectations you have of her.  If you baby her into those expectations then she’ll think you are just becoming a mean person to her.

Post # 45
1641 posts
Bumble bee

Just wanted to share my experience from the other side of things. I went through a slacker period in my life when I was around 25-26. I always hated school and was having a hard time finishing up my BA. I had a boyfriend who I was weirdly obsesed with so I lost 2 jobs calling out so I could spend more time with him. Dumb I know. I lived at home with my parents and they finally had enough of me “looking for a job” So they kicked me out and said i couldn’t come live at home until I could prove i got a job. It was super scary but it was what I needed 100%. I used a credit card and got a hotel for a week and I got myself a job. I didn’t stay with my boyfriend because I was too embarassed. So grateful my parents didn’t just let me keep staying at home. It was a dark period in my life but I learned a valuable lesson. I finished school, have a career and moved to the other coast. Love my life now. 

This girl needs to do the same thing. She is capable of getting a job she is just being picky and isn’t taking it seriously because people bail her out. You making her stand on her own two feet and figure it out isn’t you being a bad friend. She needs to realize only she is reponsible for her own life. Its good for her to hit bottom to get this reality check. I needed it, she does too. 

Having roomates in general is a sticky situation that often ends with resentment. I really don’t think your friendship can withstand her living with you. Just like lending money between friends is also a bad idea. It sounds like you already know her reactions to your needs aren’t going to be pleasant. I really sugggest you let her know that you can’t provide her a place to stay after all. It isn’t fair to you or your relationship and it will take a significant toll. If you have to kick her out which is a very big possibility, your relationship won’t make it through that alive. You can tell her for the sake of your friendship her living with you isn’t a good idea. Offer to take her apartment hunting, help her try and find a room to rent, that kind of support is great. But I agree with the other commenters that you letting her live with you is a bad idea. Its just as bad for her own personal growth as it is for your sanity and friendship. Don’t rob her of the opportunity to figure her life out on her own. She will hit this point eventually and it will be much easier for her if you are still friends with her when it happens as opposed to you kicking her out at some point leaving her without a place to stay, and without your friendship. 

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