Friend Moving in

posted 1 year ago in Relationships
Post # 46
Member
452 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2018

Bee I think PP have given you really good advice and perspective to think about.  I want to touch on the fact that this is beyond just you, it also affects you and your fiance relationship.  This can cause undue strain on your relationship if things are good or bad because like you stated, this was never part of your initial plans as a couple.  Just something to think about before you embark on this journey.

Post # 47
Member
2811 posts
Sugar bee

You need to set up boundaries NOW. From the sounds of your posts, you’ve been trying to help this girl for several years and she hasn’t done anything to better her situation. I just want to point out a few things you’ve mentioned in passing that stand out as unusual and unhealthy:

“Jo went to house sit for her and then just never left… I think she thought that it would be a permament situation since they never chatted it out.”

“I really don’t think she’s applying for jobs–or at least the type of jobs she can get.”

“I remember sitting down with her when we were both 20 and helping her with her resume and applying to a few jobs. I’ve never seen someone so confused.”

“Once we began searching for a place for her to rent she was fired”

This isn’t a normal friendship-relationship – it seems like you’ve accepted the role of her caretaker/guardian for the last several years. I understand that you care about her and want her to do well, but she’s your friend not your child, and you’re not helping her by enabling her long-term. At the very least you need to set clear, decisive boundaries and stick to them, for both of your sakes. 

Post # 48
Member
754 posts
Busy bee

 

For HER SAKE, please allow her to hit rock bottom, aka, homelessness. She will learn REAL quick to figure out how to get social assistance, and/or make amends with her father. If she was orphaned, then of course I wouldn’t suggest this route because she wouldn’t have a mom or dad to return to. But right now, she does. And it’s their job to teach her to be responsible, not yours. Technically, she’s an adult so it’s HER job to learn responsibility. Sometimes it takes a lot of thrusting and pushing to get some people on their feet. It’s unfortunate, but isn’t shock-worthy news.

Post # 49
Member
6815 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2016

This has SO MUCH NOPE written all over it…

Post # 50
Member
102 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

I think there is something mentally wrong, with your friend.  I’m afraid, that she is aware what a kind person, you are, and she will exploit this.  I would tell her, the deal is off, it would not be good, for you and your FH.  I can just imagine, if she says she is suicidal, or something, when you want her to move out.  This is stressing me out, just thinking about it.  DON’T DO IT! 

Post # 51
Member
2300 posts
Buzzing bee

fluffhead :  unfortunately, it seems like you’re dead-set on making excuses for Jo, and have all but indicated that you will be ignoring everyone’s advice here by allowing her to move in with you anyway. I’m cringing—because it seems like everyone here can foresee exactly how this will end (if it ever does end) except for you. 

 

i don’t mean that in a rude way, but it is seriously like watching a train wreck in slow motion for those of us who have been in a similar situation. It is highly probable that your relationship with your fiancée will be one of the casualties, I’m afraid.

 

I hope she proves us all wrong, but given her track record, that is highly unlikely.

 

good luck anyway, bee. 

Post # 53
Member
765 posts
Busy bee

fluffhead :  You shouldn’t be mad at yourself, you’re being a great friend. These were all resources she should have sought out herself. So you already went above and beyond. 

Post # 54
Member
947 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 1983

Jo is not a great friend; she’s a user who refuses to launch. OP is not a great friend; she’s a codependent, enabling Jo every step of the way. If I were OP’s SO, I’d put my foot down about having my home invaded by a sponge “a few times a week,” which will be full-time before you know it.

 

 

Post # 55
Member
13 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: September 2018

fluffhead :  Honestly, you dodged a bullet when Jo rejected your offer to stay “a few times a week.”  That has soon-to-be-permanent-resident written all over it.  Don’t be mad at yourself, she’s a grown woman and you don’t owe her anything.  You can’t help someone who refuses to help themself.

Post # 57
Member
2300 posts
Buzzing bee

fluffhead :  you better count your lucky stars that she declined to stay a few times a week—but I bet you money that she will be back soon wanting to cash in on that offer when the social security benefits get denied. She actually sounds like quite a shitty person from the outside looking in. Someone like her needs to fall flat on their face (homelessness, loneliness, starvation? ) to actually take action in their own life. 

 

Im glad you got out of being a 5-star homeless shelter, bee.

Post # 58
Member
2477 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2017

fluffhead :  You offered her a $100/month cash allowance!? What in the bloody hell!? I’m sorry but this is just no. I was reading your update appluading but you went from one extreme to another partial extreme offering money and part-time staying. Your answer should be, “Well sorry you don’t like the help or jobs I’ve offered. I cannot help someone who doesn’t want to be helped. I wish you the best.” End of story! Stop enabling her and holding her hand. You are not her mother and her own mother isn’t even doing that. 

Post # 59
Member
8830 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

fluffhead :  Can I have $100 a month please? j/k, j/k.

Good for you for saying no. It would have been a disaster. That was the first step and I know it was hard to do. Next is, stop offering shit that is going to cost you and not benefit her. What good is allowing her to stay over your house a few times a week? Normal adults don’t do that. What do you think she’s going to do with that $100 a month? Nothing good, I guarantee you. Both of those “favors” are just enabling her, encouraging reliance, and keeping her entangled in your life. “No” is a full sentance. Or if that’s too hard, try “I wish I could but I can’t.” If she’s rude enough to push or ask why, just repeat verbatim “I wish I could but I can’t.” Then SILENCE. 

Post # 60
Member
6177 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2016

It’s great you told her she couldn’t stay. As PP stated, you already went above and beyond. It’s good (for you) that she turned you down. Hopefully, she decides to do something that works for her.

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