- 8 years ago
I’ve been engaged for approximately two months, and my fiance and I definitely knew what we want in a wedding from the start – despite knowing the date wouldn’t be for another couple of years. The proposal was even incorporated with our closest tight knit group of friends that we’ve had for the duration of our relationship.
After letting the engagement marinade for about a month, we decided to start thinking who we would have in our parties, even though we had a pretty concrete idea because our friend circles haven’t ever changed. Although the wedding isn’t until Sept. 2015, we were both fully confident in having a very small wedding party and those people remaining very close to us and helping prepare for our big day in two years.
We are having three people each:
1. my matron and his best man that set us up in high school.
2. my maid that was my best friend throughout college and his best friend (also a best man)
3. close mutual friend of both of us – bridesmaid, and his brother -groomsman.
Each person we selected played a huge integral role in our relationship, and we love that it’s so small. Our wedding is going to be small, less than 75 people.
The problem: My matron and I had a very close friend in high school, but over the years the relationship continued to diminish with this other person. This person used to be outgoing, but over the years distanced herself from society and developed several psychological issues. We’ve kept in touch on school breaks, but would only see eachother less than five times a year. It was kind of a “how is everthing going?” – but now that school is done and we’re all growing up, there’s less to talk about. It’s like she’s fallen off the wagon.
She picked up some serious bad health habits, smoking, heavy drinking – and it’s a complete 180 degree version of the person I once knew. I text her every so often to see how she is, how school is going, but she has never reached out to me first. My matron didn’t select myself or this other person to be in her wedding party earlier this year, which was hurtful, but that was only because she didn’t want to separate myself and this person from high school. She admitted afterward that she didn’t want to deal with the repurcussions of only having me in the bridal party – which I respected, it wasn’t my decision to make and no hard feelings.
However, this person from high school was still very upset that she wasn’t in my matron’s wedding and was blatantly disrepectful at the wedding. Therefore, I sat next to her and she was glued to her smart phone, stuffed ear buds in her ears during the entire reception and looked miserable while we sat with total strangers. She wasn’t aware of wedding etiquette, so gave no gift. It was actually very embarrassing to watch her behave this way at a wedding she thought she deserved to be in, without even attempting to put on a happy face.
After seeing her reaction to this wedding, I almost felt scared to not have her in my own wedding but then thought “I don’t need to have her in the party, she hasn’t been there for me at all.” I reached out to her via text message (I know, mistake number one), after I had sent packages out to my bridal party asking them to be a Maid/Matron of Honor, etc., in the off chance she might see it on social media. I explained that I had selected my bridal party, who was in it, the reasoning behind selecting them and that each member “contributed to the relationship’s overall story.” I didn’t want her to be let down later, I wanted her to be involved at all of the planning festivities, I loved her, and not to be upset.
Obviously didn’t work, even though I tried to cover my tail and explain bad news before she finds out in a hurtufl way. I tried to reach out a few weeks later to meet up for coffee and got back one word responses. I understand that she is hurt for not being invited to share this special day on that intimate of a level, but she didn’t put in an effort to be a friend over these years. It’s like she would’ve been ecstatic to be chosen (although probably a few mishaps along the way and I would feel regretful having her there) or I don’t choose her and I get the cold shoulder.
I still feel uneasy, but that’s because I’m not getting the “That’s okay, Im happy for you” response back. And I won’t. Im just reaching out to those that may have experienced this, and actually read this long post!